BREAKING - LOCKDOWN AT MAGHABERRY PRISON

Maghaberry Prison in Northern Ireland is in Lockdown after traces of Semtex were found in the prison gym.
Over 150 PSNI Officers and Army personnel have been drated in to search the prison.
Prisoners have been locked in their cells since Wednesday night and officials fear for the worst when they finally release them from their cells on Monday morning - Prisoners have threatened riots and will strike from their usual daily routines of rock breaking and making number plates.

The support team pulled in to help with locating any threats will begin the inmates 'deep cavity' searches at dinner time on Saturday and hope that at the very least, the intrusion and potential 'trauma' will slow the prisoners down on Monday morning when the cell doors open.

UK Police Draw Up 93 Page Bike Riding Manual

UK Police authories have drawn up a 93 page manual on riding a bicycle for officers.
Not even motorcycles - PUSH BIKES
fuck me
i dont think i even need to write nething
fucking idiots

National - Six teenagers avoid serious injury after drinking ethanol

Six teenagers in England somehow avoided serious injury after drinking ethanol stolen from school in an effort to get drunk.

They have said they copied the storyline from BBC drama 'Waterloo Road'.  The Daily Mail brigade are up in arms about how TV is influencing our youth even though the program showed school children nearly dying as a result.

Did these teenagers think they would be ok? Did they stop watching the program as soon as the on screen kids got drunk in minutes?
What the fuck is wrong with people??

Big Freeze Hits the North Coast

Weather Update -
Temperatures as low as -2 Celsius have hit the City of Derry this week.
All roads out of the city have been closed by the freezing conditions.

The met office have said "expect conditions to worsen over the coming weeks, heaving rain, strong winds and more ice are forcast.  On the plus side it gives the PSNI a break from policing the roads to stop them getting out"

Calum Best - 'My dad punched me'

Calum Best, who is apparently a relative of famous Northern Irish drunk and little known footballer George Best, has spoken candidly of his experiences with his father.

"My dad punched me in a drunken rage, "your not mine" he said".  Why this is seen as a shock is not clear,  most people would punch the spoilt and vain little bastard without having to consume alcolhol.

Calum has made a film about his life with father George called 'Brought up by the booze' and hopes that "children of alcoholic parents can find comfort" in his work. 

Actual children of alcoholic parents couldn't give a shit about Calum Best & his film as being punched in the face by your drunken father is usually one of the least upsetting events that can be caused by an alcoholic parent.

So is this film a cynical ploy to get his face in the papers again or is it a genuine heartfelt tribute to his father?
Only the public can decide.


Editors note - I think its the former, but regardless of his reasons behind it - it doesn't make him any less of a first class cun....

Children in the Republic of Ireland Happier than British Counterparts

A new report published this week has revealed that children in the Republic of Ireland are happier and fitter than their British counterparts.
Based on factors such as school life, exercise and happiness at home, the paddies have a better quality of life it would seem.

The report announced "They spend less time on computers" - This fact seems superfluous as it is well known that the Republic of Ireland seems like 1891 compared to the rest of the world and only having one 'Computer' in the whole country (a replica of the famous 'difference engine' created by Charles Babbage). If you were to talk about 'facebook' and 'xbox' they'd have no idea what you were talking about.  The closest thing they have to social networking in the ROI is a huge network of carrier pigeons. 
The high levels of fitness can be attributed to a diet consisting more or less of potatoes and working from as young as the age of 5 in the potato business.
Irish representatives have so far not answered our emails for comment.

Family Distraught After Brutal Murder

A Downpatrick Family were left shaken and stirred after the brutal murder of their chickens.

The police were called early on Monday morning with CSI's in attendance. They discovered two small chickens, two hens a rooster and a duck, slaughtered for no reason other than pure bloodlust. Police Constable Hugh O'Flock said "This is the worst murder scene i have seen in my 10 years as an officer. We have classified the suspect as a serial killer and appeal to the public for any information they may have".

All police & ambulance personell who attended the scene are being offered counselling due to fears over psychological damage from such a horrific and brutal crime scene.

A drake was also discovered at the scene and shocked emergency crews when discovered it was still alive. It was taken to the local hospital but its injuries were too serious. & surgeons were unable to save it. Its organs have been donated for transplant.

Weather Update

Weather –
Its been shite, rain and wind – tree’s blown over making the news for ‘nearly’ falling on people but not actually doing any real damage

New Suicide Hotline for Derry

The City of (London)Derry has opened a new suicide hot line due to the sheer volume of calls to the Samaritans.

The service offers advice on the following.

• Cutting – How to contain the blood
• Drugs – What can i get over the counter to finish the job?
• Locations – Where are the best places to jump from in Derry?
• What Rope? Magazine
  

The line has proved extremely popular – with the police still fighting to keep the residents contained within the city, suicide appears to be the only way out.

Government officials are considering changing the service from a charity to a government funded organisation. First Minister Peter Robinson has said “The number of people on benefits in Londonderry is ridiculous – this new service will help remove that burden from hard working tax payers”

Shock News - Jan Moir Apologizes (sort of)

Although not covered here, i have no doubt you’ll be aware of the article Jan Moir wrote about the late Stephen Gately on the Daily Mail website last week. It only took a week and she apologised for the ‘timing of the article’ not the outrageously homophobic content. Its nice to see that all it took for her to comment on it was 25,000 complaints to the Press Complaints Commission.

As part of her ‘apology’ she asked the question “Is there a compulsion today to see bigotry and social intolerance where none exists by people who are determined to be outraged?”.
Let me repeat the last part of that “determined to be outraged”...coming from someone who writes for the Daily Mail...ha..ha...HA HA HA

Illegal Fireworks Haul Recovered

On Friday police discovered 1.5 tonnes of fireworks in Newry. They confiscated the haul & ruined Halloween for everyone.

The fireworks have been confiscated and will be disposed of appropriately. Illegal fireworks have been a massive trade in October for years in Northern Ireland and stupid children blowing themselves up has routinely removed the ‘idiot’ gene from the gene pool.

The loss of so many illegal fireworks will ensure that for at least another year, the nations stupidest children remain safe unless they successfully stab themselves in the eye with sparklers.

Local Man Kidnapped

A local man, believed to be the editor of a poorly written sort of fake news website, was kidnapped on 1st of october. He has finally been returned unharmed & has apologised to his readers for the lack of updates to Norn Irons Local News

Sorry, will get back to weekly updates again

World News Special

A Tsunami that hit in Samoa has killed over 100 people. As with any horrible tragedy it is only being given headline status in the UK because a brit was killed. Otherwise, the press would bury it on page 18 or, if your a red top, put a small story on page two and on page three, ask some large breasted blonde air head her opinion.









Zoe Says – This is terrible and stuff, out of the all the dead bodies, there is a poor British Person. This is worse than the time i lost my hair brush. These things make me sad.

MLA Expenses Claims Come To Light

The Northern Irish MLA Expenses claims have recently been published in a small local newspaper in Northern Ireland. They can claim up to 72k a year to help run their constituency.
Some of the more interesting claims include:
Peter Robinson claimed for a 42inch tv (apparently for his ‘office’. I think he has mistaken the word office for ‘living room’)
The Shinners have been claiming up to £10 for a toaster.
Ulster Unionists have claimed for Sky Plus (only the basic package you understand, anything more would be wrong) and nearly 1k for a walnut desk (because sometimes, ikea just doesn’t cut it)
The Independents in Tyrone have claimed £100 for a Map of Fermanagh. I have sent them detailed information about these new fangled ‘satellite navigation devices’ that cost around the same and through the use of witchcraft they show maps of the whole country.

Robot Hamsters Top Christmas Wishlist

This years must have Christmas toys have been announced – a talking hamster & an electronic kitten.
These ‘artificially intelligent hamsters’ run around their special cages doing hamstery things with none of the worry of cleaning/feeding/teaching kids responsibility. A Local Scientist, apparently a graduate from Queens, has said “The main problem is, and bare with me here, that artificial intelligence can lead to significant problems. I refer you now, to Article A – The complete Terminator Franchise script book. Artificial intelligence is a bad thing, and the last thing i want is to become a slave to robot hamster overlords” .
While we all have our doubts over the hamsters, it makes a chance from last years top xmas toys.
Xmas 2008 Xmas Toys – Provided by Argos
1 – Matt Black Butterfly Knife & sharpening set
2 – 10 empty milk bottles, 10 rags and a gallon of petrol
3 – Balaclava – Box of – Quantity 10

Bono Invited to meet pope

Its a pope-stravaganza this week with two news stories featuring the Poperiffic Pontiff. He has invited Irish ass-hat Bono to the Vatican in and effort to try and re-connect “religion and the arts”.
As we all know, Bonio had a ‘special relationship’ with his predecessor Pope John Paul II, even allowing him the dubious honour of letting him put his stupid fucking glasses on (i would put a picture of this, but i can not deal with more than one picture of bono a week or i need to purge).

Vatican sources have advised that Pope Benedict MMCVIXQRVII may be ‘grooming’ Bono to become his understudy and perhaps even the next pope, which is the penultimate step in bono’s life before, in the final step of his lifecycle, he finally disappears completely up his own arse creating a black hole and destroying the universe with the sheer weight of his own self importance.

Northern Ireland Assembly to Waste More Money

The Northern Ireland Assembly has agreed to waste yet more public money on useless crap despite pending cuts on health care and policing. The Minister for the Environment has agreed to look into the issue of ‘overbearing hedges’. Thats right, using our tax money to try and make a proposal on how to deal with exceptionally tall hedges. A lot of money could perhaps be saved with three simple words “cut them down” or of course the old tactic of burying your neighbours under the offending hedges.

Either way, we don’t need a committee for this shit.

Pope to Visit Northern Ireland

New Pope Benedict XIXXIXXIXXIXLCMCCMV may visit Northern Ireland in the near future, Vatican sources have leaked. For some reason, it is thought that the popes first visit to the UK should be to Northern Ireland, the country where half the population don’t want him and its probably the most dangerous of the four UK countries to visit.

UPDATE: This has since been denied, a spokesman for the Vatican has said “I’m afraid to say that this story is an absolute fabrication. The implication that his holiness would visit that shithole is utterly ridiculous”

BREAKING NEWS

NORTHERN IRELAND PIGS TEST POSITIVE FOR SWINE FLU

Er...Pigs in Northern Ireland have tested positive for Swine Flu...

Um..This is a shock because....oh, they have contracted the Human H1N1 variant.
Shit. So, basically the Swine flu that mutated and spread to Humans has now mutated to spread back to pigs. If it mutates again to then spread back to humans like some sort of super flu – we’re pretty screwed.

If its any small consolation to you, we can still eat the fuckers but to summarise – the end is nigh.

Local Communities Outraged Over PSNI Training In Libya

Victims of IRA violence have expressed their horror and outrage that, as exclusively broken by this website , the PSNI had sent senior officials on secondment to Libya.
The main source of the outrage is because the Libyans supplied & trained the IRA in Northern Ireland & if you recall they murdered a lot of people for being the wrong...er...for...why are we doing this again?

William Frazer, who lost family members to the IRA told the Belfast Telegraph “You couldn’t write the scrips for this, and if you did it would be Monty Python”.

Yes, i remember that episode of Monty Python where John Cleese ran around murdering innocent civilians under training from Michael Palin dressed as a Libyan, Then years later Eric Idle went to Libya to train up their security services – Oh the hilarity of it all.

Yet more ‘disturbances’ in Armagh

It started a few weeks ago with men ‘asking’ people to take pro-nationalist literature at gun point near the border between Northern Ireland & the Republic of Ireland.
It has escalated quickly into burned out vehicles and masked gunmen.

Yes – its Friday Night In Northern Ireland – How we have missed you Sir.

Up to 30 ‘youths’ were seen in Lurgan, Northern Ireland, causing general trouble & setting fire to vehicles. – Apparently some people are upset that the Judicial system had the cheek to sentence some dissident republicans who thought it would be fun to murder local police with mortar bombs.

Local PSNI representative have said “there are no reports of shots being fired but running around with guns isn’t cool – on a scale of 1 to 10 of seriousness, we’d call that about a 6”.

Local bookmakers William Hill have stopped taking bets that the violence will continue into Saturday evening as – lets face it, the people of lurgan have fuck all else to do.

Trouble at Short Strand

Trouble at Short Strand
There was an outbreak of violence at the Short Strand in Belfast last night.

Those with eyes far apart and those with eyes too close together clashed over a rally held by local republican party Sinn Fein to celebrate the closure of a local police station.

The Shinners apparently organised the event and did not think that there would be any problems at what is a huge flashpoint for sectarian violence in the city. Their representative said “The event and the trouble afterwards were not connected” despite the fact that the violence took place in the same place as ‘event’.

On the prod side of things the DUP weighed in calling it “reckless” for an event like this to be organised.

Police, trying to deal with the violence, used plastic bullets to help disperse the crowd – a move that Sinn Fein have called “unjustified”. Most of the public in Northern Ireland think the use of plastic bullets is unjustified, especially when real bullets are readily available.

PSNI representatives have said “The police were caught between two opposing groups determined to attack each other” – Both Sinn Fein and the DUP agreed with each other for the first time in several years in saying “Is this not their job?”

Have Your Say on the Story

“Ah, we’re fucking glad that station is closing and i’ll throw as many bricks at the huns as i fucking want” – Paddy O’Taig

“Those shinners are a disgrace – this was always going to end in violence – I sat outside all day to make sure of it – I’ll throw as many bottles at those fenians as i fucking want” – Billy Paisley

“The police don’t deserve this – our job is to stop traffic for going too fast or not having tax discs on display – not stopping sectarian violence” – Police Constable J Smith

“I honestly don’t give a shit, let them kill each other - it'll be better for it” – The rest of the country

URGENT BREAKING NEWS - URGENT BREAKING NEWS

Urgent News -
Citizens of all of Northern Ireland have been advised of a high alert as a citizen of Derry has escaped the cities walls.
PSNI have said "we police those walls constantly and this is the first time in 27 years that a local has got out".
The public are advised to be on high alert and not to approach anyone that looks remotely scumbaggish (although this may be a problem in many areas of Belfast)

News Update!

Bono recalls the ‘terrifying’ day he was shot at.

In a new book, released by money grabbing bastard Bono, he has recounted of the time when in Jamaica he was shot at with over 100 rounds of bullets after being mistaken for a drug smuggler.
Jamaican police, obviously taking a leaf out of the Hollywood book of weapons training, managed to miss Bono with every single round as he disembarked from his private aircraft when landing for a family holiday in Jamaica on a sunny Monday morning in 1996.
He said “imagine just how starving the kids in Africa would be if i’d have died that fateful day. Who would have taken up the reigns of preaching for worthwhile causes if i’d gone? Certainly not Bob “give us yer fuckin money” Geldof, thats for sure – he had one hit single and somehow he’s still famous – although now-adays its more for his whore of a daughter”
While delighted no harm came to his family, i’m fucking furious at the Jamaicans.






PSNI officers sent to Afghanistan to train the ANP (afghan national police)
Police Service of Northern Ireland officers have been sent to Afghanistan to help train the Afghan National Police. The officers sent have served for the PSNI for several years and so are well versed in the required training modules of discrimination and taking bribes.
The course has the following modules:
· Are his eyes too close together? Best to shoot first
· How to wind up peaceful suspects to the point the retaliate and you can shoot them
· How to ensure you get plenty of ‘danger pay’ even though its a risk of the job.
· How to drive ‘different’ people out of the service
· How to minimise the effect of the above so you don’t get rebranded with a stupid name.
So far the training has been a huge success with the ANP’s total kill total of ‘people who have stolen this country from us/invaded our country unfairly*' has risen dramatically.
*delete depending on your side of the tracks

Its quiet, too quiet

Sorry for the lack of updates, i've been busy and there's nothing happening in Northern Ireland that i feel like i should mock...
several deaths on the road, men with guns & rocket launchers running about etc etc.
Give me an hour or so, and i'll think of something

Tiger Kidnapping In Downpatrick

A Tiger was kidnapped today in Downpatrick and ordered to open a local post office...

wait...*looks up tiger kidnapping* oh, thats quite a misleading name for a crime in which abduction forms part of a robbery.. Not what i thought, never mind.

The tigers are cool and still in the zoo.

72% of Northern Irish Men May Be Paedophiles

Men across Northern Ireland have been contemplating whether or not to turn themselves into the local police after discovering the age of the current Miss Northern Ireland. Several local news broadcasts today reported that Miss Northern Ireland got 4 A grades in her AS-Level exams, making her the tender age of 17.
Questions have been raised as to whether allowing a 17 year old to compete in the Miss World pageant is immoral but more questions are being raised as to the psychological well being of our nations men who haven’t been this confused since Natalie Portman starred in Leon, at the age of 14

Error

Belfast Voted 4th Top City To See Before You Die

Belfast has been voted one of the top cities to see before you die.



In a recent study conducted by a large hotel chain, Belfast has been named one of the top cities in the UK to see before you die. Below is a list of just some of the attractions you can experience on a trip to Belfast

• The Worlds Most Bombed Hotel - The Europa
• Loyalist/Nationalist graffiti - On walls all over Belfast - see it now as its being slowly replaced with badly drawn murals of fields and George Best.
• Potentially The Worlds Most Deadly Shopping Center - Victoria Square, with is huge glass Dome is a beautiful shopping complex but once someone decides to plant another bomb it will cause a vast amount of glass to be fired off in several directions into unsuspecting shoppers. Although it may look gorgeous, with the light of the bomb blast refracting through the shards to make some glorious colours, it will probably kill you.
• Belfast at night - Experience the beauty of Belfast at night - From the lights of the Waterfront Theater bouncing majestically across the Lagan to the weird giant fish sculpture thing up the road, Belfast has lots to offer the nocturnal tourist. Being intimidated as you walk past a group of street urchins on the corner. Their friendly banter includes such phrases as "what are you looking at", "i'll do ye" and this writers favorite "i'll set my da on ye". Wander the streets behind City Hall to see a dazzling selection of local prostitutes who lurk there, just for your pleasure.
• Belfast Zoo - One of the UK's premier Zoo's - In 2001, vandals broke in and threw one of the penguins into the lion enclosure - The lions ate the penguin. Police were unsure if they removed the wrapper first. (this actually happened)
• Go to the Belfast Welcome Center in the city center - It is just a huge shop filled with merchandise like leprechauns and Guinness tat - even though these are more often associated with the south.
• The Belfast Wheel - A huge Ferris wheel in the grounds of City Hall, you too can get stuck dangling in the air for several hours because some mad pikey has climbed it.
• Come during July to see the famous '12th fo July Parade". Please don't come before the 12th, we'd especially advise you not to arrive on the evening of the 11th and please go home straight after the parades before it all kicks off. Please.

These are just some of the reasons why Belfast has been voted 4th City in the UK to see before you die.

The remaining cities in the top ten - Glasgow, Oxford, London, Cardiff, York and Cambridge must be absolute shit holes.

The top three above Belfast were:

• Edinburgh - Excellent historical city, lots of things to see and do but lots of drunks
• Bath - I know nothing about bath, i can only assume its delightful (but with more drunks than Edinburgh)
• Liverpool - Possibly the most exciting city in all of the United Kingdom due to the constant threat of having your possessions stolen.

News Round Up

Local news for Friday 14/08/09

60 Pigeons Killed In Fire (this ones real, check it out)

60 Pigeons have been cruelly murdered during a blaze in on the outskirts of Belfast.

A spokesperson for the PSNI said "This incident is being treated as arson - it is believed that the perpetrators thought that the 'pigeon fanciers club' was somewhere where untoward deviant acts were performed on the birds". Local PETA members have been called in for questioning.

On a lighter note, the clean up bill for the council has been significantly reduced as by the time fire-fighters arrived on scene, the local Chinese restaurant had removed all charred pigeon corpses for "disposal".

U2 to Break Wembley Attendance Record

Stupidly named Irish rock band, U2 are set to break yet another record.

The current record for "most morons in the same place" is held by Madonna and her fans at a concert in Wembley in 2008 where nearly 75,000 idiots paid to see her 'perform'.

U2 are expected to pull in around 100,000 idiotic simpletons.

Assuming £50/ticket U2 can expect to make around £5million from the concert - not a penny of which will be sent to the starving children of Africa that lead singer, and general bastardly hypocrite, Bono is constantly harping on about.

In summary - U2 haven't written a good song for over ten years and anyone who helps to line their stupid gold lined pockets is a moron.

Weather update - Just to be smug, since the met office has millions of pounds and cool equipment and i am a man behind a computer in his living room - They said today would be overcast, i said it would piss from the heavens.

I was right.

Hoo-rah

Wheelie Bin Stolen in Daring Raid

A wheelie bin was stolen in the early hours this morning from the alley behind a house in Belfast this morning.
Despite the string of wheelie bin thefts in the area, police are reluctant to take action. When questioned a PSNI spokesman said “This is one of the few occasions where we can honestly say we have better things to spend our time on”.
Outraged, residents contacted their local MLA who has said “This is the sort of reaction we expect from the police. Instead of wasting time policing these so called ‘parades’ and cracking down on driving offences, the PSNI should be more concerned with community crime. I Will do everything in my power to ensure that tax payers money is spent on a local task force and an historical enquiry team to investigate wheelie bin theft”.
It can cost up to £80 to obtain a replacement wheelie bin and concerned residents have asked the council to foot the bill. Belfast City Council has advised that they have no money left after recent city events such as the Tall Ships and the Simply Red concert that will be held later this August.
The local neighbourhood watch scheme will continue to make enquiries but the representative has said “this particular case is pretty cut and dry, there’s a wee shite that lives in the street behind with a bum fluff tash and four scabby kids and we’re pretty sure he stole it to set fire to it and huff the fumes”.
The wee shite was unavailable for comment.

News Roundup

Quick hit news update for you

International Football first – on Wednesday 12/08/09, Northern Ireland managed a draw with one of the worlds greatest sides, Israel.

In local football, the Northern Ireland Cross Community Cup was played on Sunday with Vatican Linfield losing to Orange Cliftonville 7-8 on penalties.

Swine flu vaccination program announced for Northern Ireland, pigs concerned they aren’t mentioned.

Weather – Tomorrow will be sunny with a 200% chance of it pissing down from the heavens.

Tall Ships - Prepare to be boarded!

The Tall Ships have arrived in Belfast once again, with thousands flocking to see what are essential just big boats with pretty sails attached.

Belfast has a rich naval tradition - its most famous export being the Titanic which, deemed 'unsinkable', successfully crossed the Atlantic in 1912 with no incident what so ever. The titanic sailed for a further 85 years until 1997, when an ill fated celebrity cruise sank, killing (amongst others) young star Leonardo Di Caprio.

The arrival of the big boats will generate an estimated £37 of profit for Belfast City Council (taking into account the cost of policing, ambulance cover etc) and Lord Mayoress of Belfast, Naomi Long, was visibly excited, climbing the mast of the first ship to dock and shouting about pirates.

The pirate theme began early for the tall ships, with one Dutch crew being playfully 'pirated' by men with golf clubs early on Tuesday evening.

Traffic in the City of Belfast has come to a stand still - local transport company Translink reporting that the daily shuttle bus to the center of Belfast is constantly full. The good people of the City of Derry are having problems getting down to see the big boats, Translink are blaming traffic congestion but sources inside City Hall in Belfast have leaked that they really just don't want them down this way.

For more exciting Northern Ireland Maritime news, please see our previous stories including:

Titanic - How to spend millions celebrating an EPIC FAILURE

Titanic - Since we can't find it, lets spend £2,000,000 refurbishing the little boat that ferried passengers to it

Titanic - It was fine when it left Belfast

Titanic - Northern Ireland's second most popular export (after Feargal Sharkey)

Welcome

Welcome to Northern Ireland's Local News blog - Its a small country, all news is local.
Over the coming weeks/months/years you will find all the exciting news to come out of Northern Ireland that you just can't afford to miss (honest).