Bumper October Update! In Summary: We Have No Money!

The Norn Iron News would like to apologise for the lack of posting. We've not been well.

So here's what we've missed so far in October:

Stormont On The Verge Of Going Into The Red - 02/10/2014

The Northern Ireland Executive is due to go into the red this year as they still haven't resolved the dead lock over welfare reform that's cost Stormont over £90m in fines to date.

It's the shinners arguing against the reforms which admittedly will cause hardship for those on benefits in Northern Ireland.  The destruction of the public services for everyone has less impact according to Sinn Fein MLA Dairmaid O'Fictional. Will this crisis be solved? Ministers will be meeting shortly to discuss it but if Stormonts track record is anything to go by, the answer will be a resounding no.

Tourism? Where we're going, we don't need tourism. 04/10/2014

An aerial view of Belfast in 20 years time if the cuts continue as they are

As yet more budgets are slashed, the Tourism Events Fund which, exactly as the name suggests, funds things that provide boosts to tourism, pulls funding for several key events in Northern Ireland. The following events are in danger of not going ahead after funding was cut:

-Cathedral Quarter Arts Festival

-Culture Night Belfast

-North West 200

- Ulster Grand Prix

- The Mill Cup

- The Festival Of Fools

- The Ulster Rally

- The International Airshow

There are many many other events that we haven't listed because it's all getting a bit depressing.  The overall amount of funding given out is approximately £2.4 million per year.  The simple fact that these events combined bring significantly more to the economy doesn't seem to be relevant.  Anything that was a fun day out for the family in NI is now more or less gone. Belfast will be a ghost town and the only exciting things to happen will be our yearly 'Orange Fest' which usually results in the city being on fire.

I'm sure you'll all be delighted to know that several high profile golf tournaments will go ahead as planned. Thank god for that. Maybe we won't all be bored afterall.

Hurricane Fintan hits Northern Ireland 05/10/2014

The weather got really bad. It was super rainy and windy and some people had power cuts. It was awful so it was.

Ian Paisley - The Death of A Titan Of Northern Irish Politics.

Ian Paisley, one of Northern Ireland's most famous political leaders, has passed away at the age of 88.

A Norn Iron News Obituary

Before entering Politics, Paisley formed the Free Presbyterian Church Of Ulster who are frankly a little bit extreme with their views.  Homosexuals are going to hell, the Pope is the Antichrist, that sort of thing.

He then got into politics and single handedly held off peace in Northern Ireland for an entire generation.  It's safe to say that up until the very late 90s and early 2000's he was a bit of a roadblock for any constructive political discourse in Northern Ireland due to his rabid hatred of the Shinners.

Then he ended up being First Minister. I can't be bothered to look up how this happened. Voted in or something i suppose.  He and his deputy, Shinner Martin McGuinness (pictured below)

Deputy First Minister Martin McGuinness showing off his proficiency with a water pistol

became known as the chuckle brothers.  Two men who were at odds through much of their political careers had become best of friends.

It's safe to say that old Paisley had mellowed out  a lot.  Power sharing, friends with his nemesis.  Whether or not his later work undoes the problems he caused in the 70's, 80's and 90's remains to be seen but most people agree that a key figure in the history of Norn Iron has passed away.

Paisley - A Life In Pictures

A Restored early photo of Ian Paisley.  His first word - NO

One of his early Speeches.  The transcription can be found online but it can be summarised as "No,. Never. Never. Never"

Paisley & McGuinness enjoying a moment, preparing to take on The Alliance Party.

Ian Paisley - 1926-2014

In the interests of not showing political bias, please enjoy this photograph of current First Minster, Peter Robinson, also holding a (much larger) water pistol.

Happy August! Stormont Rings In The New Month With £78M Budget Cuts

Stormont Announces Budget Cuts

Education & Learning, Social Development and Justice are to be the hardest hit in the newest round of budget cuts that are in place because the DUP and the Shinners can't agree on welfare reforms in place across the water.  

Health & Education are unaffected by the budget but here are the effects the cuts will have:

Education and Learning:

Decrease in the availability of courses to acquire skills for further advancement in employment

Decreased funding for R&D throughout the province

Employment rights to be cut - Doing away with the whole 'racial discrimination' thing and just employing your brother.

Social Development:

No further social housing to be built - fuck people, let them just live on the streets. If they can't find a job, it's not our problem...and with the cuts to Education and Learning, finding a job will be even harder now.

Pensions - With the lack of housing, a lot of people will probably die a lot younger anyway so the shortfall in pensions will even itself out.

No more parks - we might continue renaming our old parks after terrorists but other than that...eh, kids can play on the roads.

Justice:

Cuts to legal aid - if people can't afford to represent themselves, that's not our problem. They should get a better job (see Education & Learning)

Thankfully though, they've found £1,000,000 to save the aquarium so it's not all bad news. 

Marching Time, Petrol Bombs and Crime, Gerry Burning is Crossing The Line...

This weekend the Marching Season goes full retard with the 12th of July parades on Saturday.  Of course, the 12th wouldn't be the 12th without melted tarmac so we have the 11th night to soften the ground.  A night of Bonfires that light up the country from top to bottom (less so around the bottom though, in fairness).

If building a bonfire the size of a skyscraper out of wooden pallets in a residential area wasn't stupid enough, the good people of Antrim today decided to hang an effigy of known politician and definitely not a former IRA commander Gerry Adams.  While the man is not exactly a saint (though give the Vatican time, we don't have a patron saint of voice actors yet and he provided a lot of work for them in the 90's), it has become part of a worrying trend that borders on hate crime. Celtic shirts, Tricolours and  campaign posters for Anna Lo and Martina Anderson have also been seen on bonfires around the country.  It could be said that they shouldn't have left the damn things up in the first place after the election, but who am i to judge.  "Orange Fest" as is bizarrely now called will never succeed as an inclusive event for the entire country when people get away with this sort of shit.

As it does every year, the 11th night will no doubt go off without a hitch of any kind, with revelers tucked up in their beds by midnight with bellies full of toasted marshmallows.  

Stay tuned over the weekend for more coverage of the most peaceful time of the year in our wee country, where we all join hands and sing the sash together.  That's what Orange Fest is about after all.

Trouble at Short Strand

Trouble at Short Strand
There was an outbreak of violence at the Short Strand in Belfast last night.

Those with eyes far apart and those with eyes too close together clashed over a rally held by local republican party Sinn Fein to celebrate the closure of a local police station.

The Shinners apparently organised the event and did not think that there would be any problems at what is a huge flashpoint for sectarian violence in the city. Their representative said “The event and the trouble afterwards were not connected” despite the fact that the violence took place in the same place as ‘event’.

On the prod side of things the DUP weighed in calling it “reckless” for an event like this to be organised.

Police, trying to deal with the violence, used plastic bullets to help disperse the crowd – a move that Sinn Fein have called “unjustified”. Most of the public in Northern Ireland think the use of plastic bullets is unjustified, especially when real bullets are readily available.

PSNI representatives have said “The police were caught between two opposing groups determined to attack each other” – Both Sinn Fein and the DUP agreed with each other for the first time in several years in saying “Is this not their job?”

Have Your Say on the Story

“Ah, we’re fucking glad that station is closing and i’ll throw as many bricks at the huns as i fucking want” – Paddy O’Taig

“Those shinners are a disgrace – this was always going to end in violence – I sat outside all day to make sure of it – I’ll throw as many bottles at those fenians as i fucking want” – Billy Paisley

“The police don’t deserve this – our job is to stop traffic for going too fast or not having tax discs on display – not stopping sectarian violence” – Police Constable J Smith

“I honestly don’t give a shit, let them kill each other - it'll be better for it” – The rest of the country