News Roundup Part One - Budget Cuts, Ebola, Sport and Abortions

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News Roundup.  Because we forgot to write anything for three weeks.

First up - Sport!

No men hitting balls with a stick this time around but rather men hitting balls with their feet.  After beating the mighty Estonia and Greece in the Euro Qualifiers, Northern Ireland have risen to 43rd place in the Fifa World Rankings table.  Ahead of ROI and just behind Scotland and Wales.

HOLY SHIT WE MISSED EBOLA IN NORTHERN IRELAND...wait, no. It's ok.

A patient, believed to be a woman, returned from Africa and tested positive for malaria.  Having been to an ebola infected region, they also put her into isolation and the national media flipped their shit, reporting on the lack of news every day until the ebola tests came back negative.    A random woman in Derry also tested negative after going to the hospital feeling "generally unwell" and worrying she had contracted Ebola, despite not being out of the country.  

Stormont Agrees Budget At Last

The NI Assembly agreed a budget at last this October, securing a 100 million loan from the Treasury.  Only the shinners & the DUP voted for the budget with the SDLP voting against and Alliance abstaining (uncontroversial position by the Alliance party? Shocker).  Oh and the UUP abstained too but no one really cares what they think.

Long story short, they need to find savings of nearly £900,000,000 (900 million, yes) so most departments, with the exception of health, will be gouged for cash.  Health will in fact get an increase to its budget of 200 million but somehow they're still cutting services and closing hospitals.

Nice work, Stormont.

Amnesty International Poll Suggests Public In Favour Of Abortion (In Certain Circumstances).

Long and short of this is that the government, being alarmingly rooted in the church, won't even think about it so it's not really news.  Nice try though Amnesty, at least someone is trying to do something.

GLORIOUS NORTH KOREA LIFT WORLD CUP FOR 17th CONSECUTIVE TIME

Pyongyang was a place of celebration today as the national team returned home victorious from Brazil, led by decorated captain and tournament golden boot winner Kim Jong Un.

Having won every World Cup since the formation of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea in 1945, Kim Jong Un led his team to glory in a thrilling Final in Brazil. 

Due to our dominance in the World Cup throughout the years, the disgusting westerners of FIFA tried to rig the final.  Instead of playing Germany, as would have been the case had usual rules been followed, FIFA colluded to set up a 'Rest Of The World XI' consisting of the finest talent from the rest of the teams in the World Cup.

Not even this could prevent glorious North Korea from winning 9-0 with Kim Jong Un scoring a double hat trick.  The last three goals were scored by Jang Kwang-Hak after Kim Jong Un graciously passed to him to show the world that anyone could achieve their dreams.

Once again, North Korea gets their name etched onto the world cup and prove once again that we are the best nation on earth.

In other news today, Jang Kwang-Hak has been executed for treason.

World Cupdate III

We apologise for the lack of updates in regards to the world cup.  Our current sports reporter, fiercely loyal Frenchman Christarea Sportsteam, has gone off in a bit of a huff since his beloved side went out of the World Cup.  Last time we reported, the Quarter Finals were to be played. 

Argentina 1 - 0 Belgium

Argentina scored in the 8th minute and ground out a 1-0 win. The Belgians played well but it was not to be.

Netherlands 0 - 0 Costa Rica

The most boring game of the Quarters. Cheating Dutch win on Penalties.

France 0 - 1 Germany

The game that broke our correspondent. A typically efficient performance from the Germans to get through to the Semi's. 

Brazil 2 - 1 Columbia

Brazil beat Columbia. Expected really.

The semi's were entirely uninteresting.  Argentina beat the Dutch (the cheating Dutch who shouldn't have progressed this far anyway).  Germany narrowly beat Brazil in a 7-1 victory.  The best match of the cup so far, probably won't be bettered for quite some time.

We'll report on the final after it's happened.  Probably like a month after, we're not terribly on the ball around here and don't actually care about the World Cup...but big news and all that.  

News Roundup

Quick hit news update for you

International Football first – on Wednesday 12/08/09, Northern Ireland managed a draw with one of the worlds greatest sides, Israel.

In local football, the Northern Ireland Cross Community Cup was played on Sunday with Vatican Linfield losing to Orange Cliftonville 7-8 on penalties.

Swine flu vaccination program announced for Northern Ireland, pigs concerned they aren’t mentioned.

Weather – Tomorrow will be sunny with a 200% chance of it pissing down from the heavens.