Sinn Fein: Why They Are To Blame for the actions of Loyalists by Arlene Foster

We have got an exclusive unedited excerpt from tomorrows column in the Bel Tel from Arlene Foster.  Be sure to pick up the paper or, if you're a modern idiot who enjoys terrible journalism for a monthly fee, subscribe on their website to read the articles and still get advertised to!

My name is Arlene and i have a story to tell you.

In June of 2020 while we were in a pandemic, a man died.  Honestly, i don't know who he is or what his deal was, only that themmuns loved him.

We'd just told everyone to stay at home and behave themselves.  We put the toasters in the cupboards where they belong and stayed indoors.  Catch it, bin it, kill it. Hands, Face, Space. Sinn Fein, IRA, beardy Gerry.

All of themmuns went to his funeral.  Literally forty hundred thousand people, all out on the streets. Some of those people were shinners who, just days before, said not to gather in large groups.

The hypocrisy of them.  The utter gall! The DUP are many things but we are certainly not hypocrites.

The PSNIRA were in Belfast giving fines out to peaceful protestors, but did they do anything at all about this funeral? I mean, yes..sure, they gathered evidence and passed it all to the Public Prosecution Service who decided not to press any charges but this is clearly the PSNIRA at work, protecting their friends. 

We have carefully explained this in the young DUP weekly meetings to our members who still have no fucking clue what this is all about were absolutely aghast and decided to take this to the streets to peacefully protest.  Translink had the audacity to try and run their normal bus route nearby so they kindly asked the driver to leave.  It is fortunate that they did as the bus inexplicably went on fire.

The PSNIRA then turned up and looked at our brave loyalists with funny eyes and obviously they reacted poorly. Trying to set the police on fire when they look at you is our god given right as loyalists.

So you see, Belfast, Newtownabbey, Carrick and LONDONderry being on fire isn't anything to do with my party stoking tensions. This is clearly all a direct result of the actions of Sinn Fein. If pretending that this is all their fault is wrong, i don't want to be right.

Blaming anyone but the shinners reflects poorly on the poor loyalists and on the honest and hard working members of the DUP who have spent the last few weeks stirring the shit out of the pot to get people angry calling for calm.

 

This is not protest. This is vandalism and attempted murder. These actions do not represent unionism or loyalism. They are an embarrassment to Northern Ireland and only serve to take the focus off the real law breakers in Sinn Fein.
My thoughts are with the bus driver. https://t.co/2JRcOb6s8C

— Arlene Foster #WeWillMeetAgain (@DUPleader) April 7, 2021

It's Marching Season (corrected)

Sorry.
That last post was made before I read the news.

Buses were on fire, bonfires were the size of skyscrapers so big that Dwayne Johnson couldn't deal with them and Bogside is like Kosovo in the 90s.

Business as usual folks, congrats! We did it!

Northern Ireland once again lives up to expectations by making us all look like cunts to the rest of the world ♥

It's Marching Season!

It's Marching Season and everything has gone off without a hitch.

East Belfast, Newtownards and Derry have been the most peaceful they've been in years.

Well done everyone!

Happy August! Stormont Rings In The New Month With £78M Budget Cuts

Stormont Announces Budget Cuts

Education & Learning, Social Development and Justice are to be the hardest hit in the newest round of budget cuts that are in place because the DUP and the Shinners can't agree on welfare reforms in place across the water.  

Health & Education are unaffected by the budget but here are the effects the cuts will have:

Education and Learning:

Decrease in the availability of courses to acquire skills for further advancement in employment

Decreased funding for R&D throughout the province

Employment rights to be cut - Doing away with the whole 'racial discrimination' thing and just employing your brother.

Social Development:

No further social housing to be built - fuck people, let them just live on the streets. If they can't find a job, it's not our problem...and with the cuts to Education and Learning, finding a job will be even harder now.

Pensions - With the lack of housing, a lot of people will probably die a lot younger anyway so the shortfall in pensions will even itself out.

No more parks - we might continue renaming our old parks after terrorists but other than that...eh, kids can play on the roads.

Justice:

Cuts to legal aid - if people can't afford to represent themselves, that's not our problem. They should get a better job (see Education & Learning)

Thankfully though, they've found £1,000,000 to save the aquarium so it's not all bad news. 

Bad Parenting Causes Social Media Outrage

In a stunning display of stupidity, a picture of a young girl with the acronym K.A.T. written in facepaint on her forehead.

The unnamed five year old girl (and lets hope it stays that way as future googlers could find it interesting) was photographed at an 11th night bonfire with a Union flag on her cheek and K.A.T. on her head.  If you are unaware K.A.T. stands for 'Kill All Taigs' and is seen daubed on the walls of East Belfast by the literary whiz kids in the area.

Her mother, who has not been named for obvious reasons, claimed that she was unaware that it had happened as she was not in attendance.  She said that other children had written these words on her beloved daughter and when asked, her daughter said she thought it stood for "kiss and tell". How sweet. 

If it was other kids who did this, we should be ashamed of how the children of Norn Iron are raised. Bigotry is clearly learned in this country.

Alliance leader Naomi Long has condemned everything, as that's what our politicians do. She may have said words like "i condemn this and everything that happens that the larger percentage of our population happen to disagree with". 

Chaos In Belfast on the 11th Night...

As usual Belfast City was in chaos on the 11th night with riots, fires and...wait. What? It was quiet? On the 11th of July night in Belfast after the bonfires? Shit.

BELFAST PEACEFUL ON 11th NIGHT 

"We had no idea what to do with the 200 extra PSNI staff just sitting around eating crisps" say police chiefs.

Belfast enjoyed a quiet night on the 11th of July this year. In an unexpected turn of events, Belfast showed that it had finally grown up.  Although there were some issues with the actual bonfires as previously mention in the Norn Iron News, the usual rioting and wrecking of the city didn't happen with people showing levels of maturity that we haven't seen in this country for quite some time.

The 12th of July parades went well and were relatively without incident and the 12th night was fine except for 200 people rioting and throwing petrol bombs at police near Lanark Way. Aaah, there it is.

On Sunday night, petrol bombs were also thrown at Willowfield Police Station in East Belfast.

While it is sad to say that only 200 rioters and a few petrol bombs is a massive step in the right direction for this country, it is most definitely the case.  

Of course, we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves, there is still the entire summer to go and lots of time for rioting yet.  In the mean time however sit back, relax and, especially if you live in East Belfast, enjoy a good nights sleep without the constant sounds of sirens and helicopters.

Marching Time, Petrol Bombs and Crime, Gerry Burning is Crossing The Line...

This weekend the Marching Season goes full retard with the 12th of July parades on Saturday.  Of course, the 12th wouldn't be the 12th without melted tarmac so we have the 11th night to soften the ground.  A night of Bonfires that light up the country from top to bottom (less so around the bottom though, in fairness).

If building a bonfire the size of a skyscraper out of wooden pallets in a residential area wasn't stupid enough, the good people of Antrim today decided to hang an effigy of known politician and definitely not a former IRA commander Gerry Adams.  While the man is not exactly a saint (though give the Vatican time, we don't have a patron saint of voice actors yet and he provided a lot of work for them in the 90's), it has become part of a worrying trend that borders on hate crime. Celtic shirts, Tricolours and  campaign posters for Anna Lo and Martina Anderson have also been seen on bonfires around the country.  It could be said that they shouldn't have left the damn things up in the first place after the election, but who am i to judge.  "Orange Fest" as is bizarrely now called will never succeed as an inclusive event for the entire country when people get away with this sort of shit.

As it does every year, the 11th night will no doubt go off without a hitch of any kind, with revelers tucked up in their beds by midnight with bellies full of toasted marshmallows.  

Stay tuned over the weekend for more coverage of the most peaceful time of the year in our wee country, where we all join hands and sing the sash together.  That's what Orange Fest is about after all.

Belfast Voted 4th Top City To See Before You Die

Belfast has been voted one of the top cities to see before you die.



In a recent study conducted by a large hotel chain, Belfast has been named one of the top cities in the UK to see before you die. Below is a list of just some of the attractions you can experience on a trip to Belfast

• The Worlds Most Bombed Hotel - The Europa
• Loyalist/Nationalist graffiti - On walls all over Belfast - see it now as its being slowly replaced with badly drawn murals of fields and George Best.
• Potentially The Worlds Most Deadly Shopping Center - Victoria Square, with is huge glass Dome is a beautiful shopping complex but once someone decides to plant another bomb it will cause a vast amount of glass to be fired off in several directions into unsuspecting shoppers. Although it may look gorgeous, with the light of the bomb blast refracting through the shards to make some glorious colours, it will probably kill you.
• Belfast at night - Experience the beauty of Belfast at night - From the lights of the Waterfront Theater bouncing majestically across the Lagan to the weird giant fish sculpture thing up the road, Belfast has lots to offer the nocturnal tourist. Being intimidated as you walk past a group of street urchins on the corner. Their friendly banter includes such phrases as "what are you looking at", "i'll do ye" and this writers favorite "i'll set my da on ye". Wander the streets behind City Hall to see a dazzling selection of local prostitutes who lurk there, just for your pleasure.
• Belfast Zoo - One of the UK's premier Zoo's - In 2001, vandals broke in and threw one of the penguins into the lion enclosure - The lions ate the penguin. Police were unsure if they removed the wrapper first. (this actually happened)
• Go to the Belfast Welcome Center in the city center - It is just a huge shop filled with merchandise like leprechauns and Guinness tat - even though these are more often associated with the south.
• The Belfast Wheel - A huge Ferris wheel in the grounds of City Hall, you too can get stuck dangling in the air for several hours because some mad pikey has climbed it.
• Come during July to see the famous '12th fo July Parade". Please don't come before the 12th, we'd especially advise you not to arrive on the evening of the 11th and please go home straight after the parades before it all kicks off. Please.

These are just some of the reasons why Belfast has been voted 4th City in the UK to see before you die.

The remaining cities in the top ten - Glasgow, Oxford, London, Cardiff, York and Cambridge must be absolute shit holes.

The top three above Belfast were:

• Edinburgh - Excellent historical city, lots of things to see and do but lots of drunks
• Bath - I know nothing about bath, i can only assume its delightful (but with more drunks than Edinburgh)
• Liverpool - Possibly the most exciting city in all of the United Kingdom due to the constant threat of having your possessions stolen.

Tall Ships - Prepare to be boarded!

The Tall Ships have arrived in Belfast once again, with thousands flocking to see what are essential just big boats with pretty sails attached.

Belfast has a rich naval tradition - its most famous export being the Titanic which, deemed 'unsinkable', successfully crossed the Atlantic in 1912 with no incident what so ever. The titanic sailed for a further 85 years until 1997, when an ill fated celebrity cruise sank, killing (amongst others) young star Leonardo Di Caprio.

The arrival of the big boats will generate an estimated £37 of profit for Belfast City Council (taking into account the cost of policing, ambulance cover etc) and Lord Mayoress of Belfast, Naomi Long, was visibly excited, climbing the mast of the first ship to dock and shouting about pirates.

The pirate theme began early for the tall ships, with one Dutch crew being playfully 'pirated' by men with golf clubs early on Tuesday evening.

Traffic in the City of Belfast has come to a stand still - local transport company Translink reporting that the daily shuttle bus to the center of Belfast is constantly full. The good people of the City of Derry are having problems getting down to see the big boats, Translink are blaming traffic congestion but sources inside City Hall in Belfast have leaked that they really just don't want them down this way.

For more exciting Northern Ireland Maritime news, please see our previous stories including:

Titanic - How to spend millions celebrating an EPIC FAILURE

Titanic - Since we can't find it, lets spend £2,000,000 refurbishing the little boat that ferried passengers to it

Titanic - It was fine when it left Belfast

Titanic - Northern Ireland's second most popular export (after Feargal Sharkey)