Unionist Outrage Over Something Someone Said - Again

Unionists have been outraged by something again.  

A folk band called 'The Druids' apparently made some sectarian statements while performing on stage at the Ardoyne Fleadh festival.

They said something along the lines of British Soldiers in Ireland "should get together with their Orange comrades and go back to England".

Slightly sectarian? Perhaps.  Hate speech? Not really.

Nonetheless, the DUP are up in arms that the police have decided not to press charges.  

The PSNI had to conducted a 'full investigation' and then present their evidence to the Public Prosecution Service in an exercise which wasted absolutely everyones time and no doubt some tax payers money.

Sources say the situation will blow over soon as the DUP are joining forces with other unionist political parties to find something to be outraged about around the third week in September. 

PSNI Threatens Skinny Dippers With Sex Offenders Register

Police in County Down have warned skinny dippers that they could be placed on the sex offenders register for their water based nudity.  

On the PSNI Holywood Facebook page, an officer wrote: "Two males have had to be reported for indecent exposure as they thought it was a good idea to take all their clothes off and go for a swim - not a good idea"

Due to the fact there are young children about on the beach, this does seem like fair comment but being placed on the same list as sex offenders and paedophiles does perhaps seem like this "one label fits all" class of punishment is perhaps not fit for this particular porpoise. 

The PSNI have also warned that they are on the lookout for people drinking alcohol on beach and will be increasing patrols in the North Down area to catch people out.

Between increasing manpower to catch someone having a beer on the beach, updating facebook and the resources devoted to the 'Bessbrook Massacre', it's lucky that Northern Ireland is always so peaceful in July and they can afford to use time and officers for such important assignments.

60 Fish Found Brutally Murdered In Armagh River

60 fish have been found dead in Bessbrook River in County Armagh.

Officials investigating the incident have cordoned off the scene and crime scene investigators are looking for forensic evidence as we speak.  Environment Minister, Mark Durkan, has said "i'm concerned about this, i'll be monitoring developments here closely" 

PSNI Chief Constable George Hamilton has issued the following statement:

"Police are looking into the deaths of at least 60 fish in Bessbrook River.  We are investigating this thoroughly.  Unfortunately our investigation has been delayed due to several red herrings but we are certain we have at least one person on the hook for this heinous crime.  Thankfully, July is typically a quiet time for the PSNI so we can give this terrible tragedy our full attention".

We can only hope these murderers will be brought to justice.

Trouble at Short Strand

Trouble at Short Strand
There was an outbreak of violence at the Short Strand in Belfast last night.

Those with eyes far apart and those with eyes too close together clashed over a rally held by local republican party Sinn Fein to celebrate the closure of a local police station.

The Shinners apparently organised the event and did not think that there would be any problems at what is a huge flashpoint for sectarian violence in the city. Their representative said “The event and the trouble afterwards were not connected” despite the fact that the violence took place in the same place as ‘event’.

On the prod side of things the DUP weighed in calling it “reckless” for an event like this to be organised.

Police, trying to deal with the violence, used plastic bullets to help disperse the crowd – a move that Sinn Fein have called “unjustified”. Most of the public in Northern Ireland think the use of plastic bullets is unjustified, especially when real bullets are readily available.

PSNI representatives have said “The police were caught between two opposing groups determined to attack each other” – Both Sinn Fein and the DUP agreed with each other for the first time in several years in saying “Is this not their job?”

Have Your Say on the Story

“Ah, we’re fucking glad that station is closing and i’ll throw as many bricks at the huns as i fucking want” – Paddy O’Taig

“Those shinners are a disgrace – this was always going to end in violence – I sat outside all day to make sure of it – I’ll throw as many bottles at those fenians as i fucking want” – Billy Paisley

“The police don’t deserve this – our job is to stop traffic for going too fast or not having tax discs on display – not stopping sectarian violence” – Police Constable J Smith

“I honestly don’t give a shit, let them kill each other - it'll be better for it” – The rest of the country

URGENT BREAKING NEWS - URGENT BREAKING NEWS

Urgent News -
Citizens of all of Northern Ireland have been advised of a high alert as a citizen of Derry has escaped the cities walls.
PSNI have said "we police those walls constantly and this is the first time in 27 years that a local has got out".
The public are advised to be on high alert and not to approach anyone that looks remotely scumbaggish (although this may be a problem in many areas of Belfast)

News Update!

Bono recalls the ‘terrifying’ day he was shot at.

In a new book, released by money grabbing bastard Bono, he has recounted of the time when in Jamaica he was shot at with over 100 rounds of bullets after being mistaken for a drug smuggler.
Jamaican police, obviously taking a leaf out of the Hollywood book of weapons training, managed to miss Bono with every single round as he disembarked from his private aircraft when landing for a family holiday in Jamaica on a sunny Monday morning in 1996.
He said “imagine just how starving the kids in Africa would be if i’d have died that fateful day. Who would have taken up the reigns of preaching for worthwhile causes if i’d gone? Certainly not Bob “give us yer fuckin money” Geldof, thats for sure – he had one hit single and somehow he’s still famous – although now-adays its more for his whore of a daughter”
While delighted no harm came to his family, i’m fucking furious at the Jamaicans.






PSNI officers sent to Afghanistan to train the ANP (afghan national police)
Police Service of Northern Ireland officers have been sent to Afghanistan to help train the Afghan National Police. The officers sent have served for the PSNI for several years and so are well versed in the required training modules of discrimination and taking bribes.
The course has the following modules:
· Are his eyes too close together? Best to shoot first
· How to wind up peaceful suspects to the point the retaliate and you can shoot them
· How to ensure you get plenty of ‘danger pay’ even though its a risk of the job.
· How to drive ‘different’ people out of the service
· How to minimise the effect of the above so you don’t get rebranded with a stupid name.
So far the training has been a huge success with the ANP’s total kill total of ‘people who have stolen this country from us/invaded our country unfairly*' has risen dramatically.
*delete depending on your side of the tracks