Showing posts with label News. Show all posts
Showing posts with label News. Show all posts

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

Trouble at Short Strand


Trouble at Short Strand
There was an outbreak of violence at the Short Strand in Belfast last night.

Those with eyes far apart and those with eyes too close together clashed over a rally held by local republican party Sinn Fein to celebrate the closure of a local police station.

The Shinners apparently organised the event and did not think that there would be any problems at what is a huge flashpoint for sectarian violence in the city. Their representative said “The event and the trouble afterwards were not connected” despite the fact that the violence took place in the same place as ‘event’.

On the prod side of things the DUP weighed in calling it “reckless” for an event like this to be organised.

Police, trying to deal with the violence, used plastic bullets to help disperse the crowd – a move that Sinn Fein have called “unjustified”. Most of the public in Northern Ireland think the use of plastic bullets is unjustified, especially when real bullets are readily available.

PSNI representatives have said “The police were caught between two opposing groups determined to attack each other” – Both Sinn Fein and the DUP agreed with each other for the first time in several years in saying “Is this not their job?”

Have Your Say on the Story

“Ah, we’re fucking glad that station is closing and i’ll throw as many bricks at the huns as i fucking want” – Paddy O’Taig

“Those shinners are a disgrace – this was always going to end in violence – I sat outside all day to make sure of it – I’ll throw as many bottles at those fenians as i fucking want” – Billy Paisley

“The police don’t deserve this – our job is to stop traffic for going too fast or not having tax discs on display – not stopping sectarian violence” – Police Constable J Smith

“I honestly don’t give a shit, let them kill each other - it'll be better for it” – The rest of the country

Sunday, 30 August 2009

URGENT BREAKING NEWS - URGENT BREAKING NEWS

Urgent News -
Citizens of all of Northern Ireland have been advised of a high alert as a citizen of Derry has escaped the cities walls.
PSNI have said "we police those walls constantly and this is the first time in 27 years that a local has got out".
The public are advised to be on high alert and not to approach anyone that looks remotely scumbaggish (although this may be a problem in many areas of Belfast)

News Update!

Bono recalls the ‘terrifying’ day he was shot at.

In a new book, released by money grabbing bastard Bono, he has recounted of the time when in Jamaica he was shot at with over 100 rounds of bullets after being mistaken for a drug smuggler.
Jamaican police, obviously taking a leaf out of the Hollywood book of weapons training, managed to miss Bono with every single round as he disembarked from his private aircraft when landing for a family holiday in Jamaica on a sunny Monday morning in 1996.
He said “imagine just how starving the kids in Africa would be if i’d have died that fateful day. Who would have taken up the reigns of preaching for worthwhile causes if i’d gone? Certainly not Bob “give us yer fuckin money” Geldof, thats for sure – he had one hit single and somehow he’s still famous – although now-adays its more for his whore of a daughter”
While delighted no harm came to his family, i’m fucking furious at the Jamaicans.






PSNI officers sent to Afghanistan to train the ANP (afghan national police)
Police Service of Northern Ireland officers have been sent to Afghanistan to help train the Afghan National Police. The officers sent have served for the PSNI for several years and so are well versed in the required training modules of discrimination and taking bribes.
The course has the following modules:
· Are his eyes too close together? Best to shoot first
· How to wind up peaceful suspects to the point the retaliate and you can shoot them
· How to ensure you get plenty of ‘danger pay’ even though its a risk of the job.
· How to drive ‘different’ people out of the service
· How to minimise the effect of the above so you don’t get rebranded with a stupid name.
So far the training has been a huge success with the ANP’s total kill total of ‘people who have stolen this country from us/invaded our country unfairly*' has risen dramatically.
*delete depending on your side of the tracks

Friday, 14 August 2009

News Round Up










Local news for Friday 14/08/09





60 Pigeons Killed In Fire (this ones real, check it out)

60 Pigeons have been cruelly murdered during a blaze in on the outskirts of Belfast.

A spokesperson for the PSNI said "This incident is being treated as arson - it is believed that the perpetrators thought that the 'pigeon fanciers club' was somewhere where untoward deviant acts were performed on the birds". Local PETA members have been called in for questioning.

On a lighter note, the clean up bill for the council has been significantly reduced as by the time fire-fighters arrived on scene, the local Chinese restaurant had removed all charred pigeon corpses for "disposal".


U2 to Break Wembley Attendance Record

Stupidly named Irish rock band, U2 are set to break yet another record.
The current record for "most morons in the same place" is held by Madonna and her fans at a concert in Wembley in 2008 where nearly 75,000 idiots paid to see her 'perform'.
U2 are expected to pull in around 100,000 idiotic simpletons.
Assuming £50/ticket U2 can expect to make around £5million from the concert - not a penny of which will be sent to the starving children of Africa that lead singer, and general bastardly hypocrite, Bono is constantly harping on about.
In summary - U2 haven't written a good song for over ten years and anyone who helps to line their stupid gold lined pockets is a moron.

Weather update - Just to be smug, since the met office has millions of pounds and cool equipment and i am a man behind a computer in his living room - They said today would be overcast, i said it would piss from the heavens.

I was right.

Hoo-rah




Thursday, 13 August 2009

News Roundup


Quick hit news update for you
International Football first – on Wednesday 12/08/09, Northern Ireland managed a draw with one of the worlds greatest sides, Israel.
In local football, the Northern Ireland Cross Community Cup was played on Sunday with Vatican Linfield losing to Orange Cliftonville 7-8 on penalties.

Swine flu vaccination program announced for Northern Ireland, pigs concerned they aren’t mentioned.
Weather – Tomorrow will be sunny with a 200% chance of it pissing down from the heavens.

Welcome

Welcome to Northern Ireland's Local News blog - Its a small country, all news is local.
Over the coming weeks/months/years you will find all the exciting news to come out of Northern Ireland that you just can't afford to miss (honest).