Manchester United Ban Tablets, Large Smartphones Because Terrorism

English football club Manchester United today announced that they would be banning supporters from bringing laptops, tablets and large screen mobiles into the 'Theater Of Dreams' that is Old Trafford citing 'security concerns'.

'Most' smartphones will be allowed into the ground, as the restriction only applies to a phone with size of more than 5.9".

That won't restrict too many people at all, will it?

As long as you don't have:

Sony Experia Z Ultra

Samsung Galaxy Mega

Any higher end Huawei

Nokia Lumia 1520/1320

LG G Flex

There are way more...but as long as you don't have one of the above (or many other phones made by HTC, Samsung, Nokia or Sony) you'll be fine.

Manchester United have stated that it would be 'impractical' to make each owner power up their device to ensure it's genuine (as happens in airports) so who knows what will happen. You get turned away from the game or they take your mobile and feed it to Wayne Rooney are the two most likely options.

Robin WIlliams, RIP

Rest In Piece, you magnificently funny bastard.

Lauren Bacall has also passed, a multi award winning actress who will be the Farrah Fawcett to Robin's Michael Jackson.

DVANI Swap To Swansea A Roaring Success says DVA

The DVA in Swansea has reported a seamless shift to their systems following the closure of the Northern Irish office.

In the real world where things that are real actually happen, the process has been a bit of a clusterfuck all round.  People haven't been able to tax their cars and the differences in our MOT systems (Mainland UK - MOT after 3 years, NI - 4 years) mean that cars bought on the mainland and sold over here 3 years later cannot be driven as one computer says the car needs an MOT, the other one says it doesn't need an MOT but rest assured, it will be the one that insists you need the test that is used and your car will be nicely cubed for you.

The switch to Swansea was seen as a cost saving measure but has just caused a total fucking disaster.

The backlog is increasing each day so if your car tax is due at the end of the month, you better make damn sure you've sent all the forms off at the start (and not going to the post office on the 30th like you normally do) as you're not allowed to drive even though it's not your fault.

Thanks, new DVA.

Deceased Israeli President's Plaque Removed

The blue Plaque for former Israeli President Chaim Herzog has been taken down off the home where he was born in Cliftonpark Avenue.

The property has been attacked several times in recent weeks as...retaliation over Israeli actions in Gaza? I guess. I mean Chaim Herzog is totally to blame for current violence, obviously.  Leaving office in 1993 and just flat out dying in '97 clearly show he had something to hide and committed terrible crimes in office (he didn't do anything too awful, but one or two less than admirable events of note).

With levels of antisemitism in Belfast reaching alarmingly new highs, this sort of behavior is just what we need to help smooth things over with our rapidly dwindling Jewish community.

Find out more in our upcoming piece - Belfast: A City For All

Palestine/Irael Manage Three Days Without Killing Each Other

Palestine & Israel managed a whole three days without murdering civilians this week before finally breaking their ceasefire at 6am (UK time) this morning.

Hamas kicked off the shit by firing at least 30 rockets into Israel injuring one civilian and a soldier.

Israel then hit back with rockets, tank bombardment and gun boats.

Both sides are pretty much just blowing the shit out of each other at the moment however in the past month, 1700 Palestinians (1300 civillians) and 67 Israelis (3 civillians) have lost their lives.

It's worth nearly 2000 lives for something that won't be settled any time soon.  If world history has taught us anything, it's that violence is the solution to more or less every problem.

LESBIANS ARE STEALING OUR SPERM

According to a front page headline in this weekend's Daily Mail, there is shock and outrage as the NHS has decided to fund sperm banks for lesbians that will be paid for by you the tax payer (emphasis on you by the Daily Mail).  

The mail has got interesting quotes from a variety of critics of the scheme, all of which more or less say "children should not be brought into the world without a father".

Of course the vast majority of us know people who didn't grow up with a father and they turned out just fine but it is apparently sick and wrong and outrageous and sick and wrong according to the paper.  

The would be parents can select the attributes of their sperm donor, such as height, hair colour and even hobbies.  Some have likened this to eugenics however this process has been in practice for some time in other parts of the world and has never been raised as an issue.  Is this not what straight women do when they select their partner in the first place?

Bishop Michael Nazir-Ali has said that "designer babies are a disaster for society".  I'm not going to write out his entire opinion piece and I will absolutely not link to the Daily Mail website (google it if you must) but he did say the following:

"The result of 'father hunger' can be seen in educational achievement and on our streets where it contributes to delinquency".

So, and I apologise if I am misunderstanding this, children without fathers (and therefore children of lesbian couples and single mothers) grow up stupid and end up being criminals.  Though I may be reading into it too much.

So lets be outraged at the thought that children may grow up with either only one, or two same sex loving parents. 

Russia Censors The Internet

Russia has enacted a new 'Information Security Law' which more or less prevents any sort of freedom of expression coming out of Russian Websites.  In a move that China would be proud of, any bloggers with more than 3,000 page views a day must register with the mass media regulator 'Roskomnadzor' and conform to the regulations that larger Russian News outlets already conform to.

These rules include:

The only images allowed of Vladimir Putin must have him shirtless and preferably with an animal of some kind

No references to communism whatsoever

Decrying all video games that have Russians as the bad guys as 'western propaganda'

No references to 'The Hunt For Red October' or Sean Connery

Discussion of the Ukraine/Crimea issue to emphasise that they wanted to join Russia and that all military action was done of their own accord.  Also, Russia has no idea where they got all those weapons from.

Constant reminders that the only reason NASA have a space program is because Russia has been flying them up there on Soyuz.

The new regulations have been described as 'Draconian' by everyone else.  It takes away any anonymity that bloggers were once afforded and as all data must be stored on Russian servers, the government has full access to the identities of all bloggers.  

Earlier in 2014, a law was passed to allow the Russian government to block any website it wished without any explanation whatsoever.  They blocked several blogs of prominent critics of the government saying they were being used to help organise illegal protests (at least they gave a reason i guess).  

For a country that is so pissed off at the freedom the internet provides, at least they're still providing shelter to Edward Snowden i suppose.

In the interests of science, we ran this article through the Russian Government servers and this is what popped out the other end:

RUSSIA ANNOUNCES NEW LEGISLATION TO IMPROVE THE INTERNET

Vladimir Putin announced today that we will be allowing our bloggers to publish their information through Russian Government servers.  This will greatly improve the quality of our output so the rest of the world can see Russia as the intellectual powerhouse that it is.

This is on the back of our previous law that allows us to block any website we wish.  This was enacted to protect our innocent Russian children from the various bad things that regularly happen throughout the world.

Meanwhile, American Ambassador Edward Snowden continues to live in peace in the Kremlin after defecting from the United States. 

Happy August! Stormont Rings In The New Month With £78M Budget Cuts

Stormont Announces Budget Cuts

Education & Learning, Social Development and Justice are to be the hardest hit in the newest round of budget cuts that are in place because the DUP and the Shinners can't agree on welfare reforms in place across the water.  

Health & Education are unaffected by the budget but here are the effects the cuts will have:

Education and Learning:

Decrease in the availability of courses to acquire skills for further advancement in employment

Decreased funding for R&D throughout the province

Employment rights to be cut - Doing away with the whole 'racial discrimination' thing and just employing your brother.

Social Development:

No further social housing to be built - fuck people, let them just live on the streets. If they can't find a job, it's not our problem...and with the cuts to Education and Learning, finding a job will be even harder now.

Pensions - With the lack of housing, a lot of people will probably die a lot younger anyway so the shortfall in pensions will even itself out.

No more parks - we might continue renaming our old parks after terrorists but other than that...eh, kids can play on the roads.

Justice:

Cuts to legal aid - if people can't afford to represent themselves, that's not our problem. They should get a better job (see Education & Learning)

Thankfully though, they've found £1,000,000 to save the aquarium so it's not all bad news. 

Britain A Nation Of Perverts & Sexual Deviants

Recent figures released by OFCOM show that Britain is a nation of perverts and sexual deviants as only 13% of new internet users agreed to opt in to the porn filters put in place by ISPs.  

The filters have been slowly rolling out since last July under David Camerons "OH MY GOD WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN...not that way, Rolf" bill.

A little bit of background on the 'OMGWSPTOTCntwr' bill first:

Porn. Porn is everywhere. A Google search for even the most innocent of things such as 'deer frolicking in a meadow' will bring up reams and reams of hardcore pornography.

Of course, this isn't true but David Cameron and his Daily Mail brigade would have you believe as much.  

The filters block porn and about 1/4 of other sites on the internet that they consider 'adult content' (which can include sites such as blogger, reddit and imgur). 

The filter has not yet made it to existing customers who will have to opt in/out. The previously held assumption that brits would be too polite to say 'bring on the porn' has been disproved so far.  Censoring the internet in such a way is seen as a step too far by many but there is a chance a lot of people who aren't overly familiar with the internet won't realise their content is being blocked at all.  

So PlusNet, when the time comes and you ask me...bring on the porn.

SPORT THINGS!

It's been a thrilling week in sport. Rory McIlroy won some sort of stick/ball based game and shunned a child, some cars drove around in Germany, Manchester United defeated LA Galaxy's reserve squad so are basically going to win the Premier League next season and the City of Glasgow has sobered up for a few weeks to host the Commonwealth Games.

The Commonwealth Games: A Brief History.

The Commonwealth Games began in 1930 as a way for the British to remind people that we once owned them. In the first few games, known as The British Empire Games, countries competed under the original names given to them by the British Empire.  These included:

Australia - Criminal Island

Canada - That cold place above the Americas that we didn't want because it was too cold

New Zealand - Small empty place just beside Criminal Island

India - TEA!!

Ireland - The Irish Free State

Scotland - That shit place above England

Wales - That shit place west of England

Northern Ireland - That violent place North Of Ireland that we don't really want but seem to have ended up with even though most of them don't want to be here.

and 44 other places we can't be bothered to name.

After spending a paltry 575 million on the games, so far they've been a roaring success with the home nations winning....well, no medals have formally been awarded yet but i'm sure there'll be loads.

Winners will be awarded chocolate medals and the usual champagne spraying has been replaced with the more customary local tradition of Irn Bru or Buckfast.

PSNI Threatens Skinny Dippers With Sex Offenders Register

Police in County Down have warned skinny dippers that they could be placed on the sex offenders register for their water based nudity.  

On the PSNI Holywood Facebook page, an officer wrote: "Two males have had to be reported for indecent exposure as they thought it was a good idea to take all their clothes off and go for a swim - not a good idea"

Due to the fact there are young children about on the beach, this does seem like fair comment but being placed on the same list as sex offenders and paedophiles does perhaps seem like this "one label fits all" class of punishment is perhaps not fit for this particular porpoise. 

The PSNI have also warned that they are on the lookout for people drinking alcohol on beach and will be increasing patrols in the North Down area to catch people out.

Between increasing manpower to catch someone having a beer on the beach, updating facebook and the resources devoted to the 'Bessbrook Massacre', it's lucky that Northern Ireland is always so peaceful in July and they can afford to use time and officers for such important assignments.

60 Fish Found Brutally Murdered In Armagh River

60 fish have been found dead in Bessbrook River in County Armagh.

Officials investigating the incident have cordoned off the scene and crime scene investigators are looking for forensic evidence as we speak.  Environment Minister, Mark Durkan, has said "i'm concerned about this, i'll be monitoring developments here closely" 

PSNI Chief Constable George Hamilton has issued the following statement:

"Police are looking into the deaths of at least 60 fish in Bessbrook River.  We are investigating this thoroughly.  Unfortunately our investigation has been delayed due to several red herrings but we are certain we have at least one person on the hook for this heinous crime.  Thankfully, July is typically a quiet time for the PSNI so we can give this terrible tragedy our full attention".

We can only hope these murderers will be brought to justice.

Bad Parenting Causes Social Media Outrage

In a stunning display of stupidity, a picture of a young girl with the acronym K.A.T. written in facepaint on her forehead.

The unnamed five year old girl (and lets hope it stays that way as future googlers could find it interesting) was photographed at an 11th night bonfire with a Union flag on her cheek and K.A.T. on her head.  If you are unaware K.A.T. stands for 'Kill All Taigs' and is seen daubed on the walls of East Belfast by the literary whiz kids in the area.

Her mother, who has not been named for obvious reasons, claimed that she was unaware that it had happened as she was not in attendance.  She said that other children had written these words on her beloved daughter and when asked, her daughter said she thought it stood for "kiss and tell". How sweet. 

If it was other kids who did this, we should be ashamed of how the children of Norn Iron are raised. Bigotry is clearly learned in this country.

Alliance leader Naomi Long has condemned everything, as that's what our politicians do. She may have said words like "i condemn this and everything that happens that the larger percentage of our population happen to disagree with". 

Chaos In Belfast on the 11th Night...

As usual Belfast City was in chaos on the 11th night with riots, fires and...wait. What? It was quiet? On the 11th of July night in Belfast after the bonfires? Shit.

BELFAST PEACEFUL ON 11th NIGHT 

"We had no idea what to do with the 200 extra PSNI staff just sitting around eating crisps" say police chiefs.

Belfast enjoyed a quiet night on the 11th of July this year. In an unexpected turn of events, Belfast showed that it had finally grown up.  Although there were some issues with the actual bonfires as previously mention in the Norn Iron News, the usual rioting and wrecking of the city didn't happen with people showing levels of maturity that we haven't seen in this country for quite some time.

The 12th of July parades went well and were relatively without incident and the 12th night was fine except for 200 people rioting and throwing petrol bombs at police near Lanark Way. Aaah, there it is.

On Sunday night, petrol bombs were also thrown at Willowfield Police Station in East Belfast.

While it is sad to say that only 200 rioters and a few petrol bombs is a massive step in the right direction for this country, it is most definitely the case.  

Of course, we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves, there is still the entire summer to go and lots of time for rioting yet.  In the mean time however sit back, relax and, especially if you live in East Belfast, enjoy a good nights sleep without the constant sounds of sirens and helicopters.

GLORIOUS NORTH KOREA LIFT WORLD CUP FOR 17th CONSECUTIVE TIME

Pyongyang was a place of celebration today as the national team returned home victorious from Brazil, led by decorated captain and tournament golden boot winner Kim Jong Un.

Having won every World Cup since the formation of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea in 1945, Kim Jong Un led his team to glory in a thrilling Final in Brazil. 

Due to our dominance in the World Cup throughout the years, the disgusting westerners of FIFA tried to rig the final.  Instead of playing Germany, as would have been the case had usual rules been followed, FIFA colluded to set up a 'Rest Of The World XI' consisting of the finest talent from the rest of the teams in the World Cup.

Not even this could prevent glorious North Korea from winning 9-0 with Kim Jong Un scoring a double hat trick.  The last three goals were scored by Jang Kwang-Hak after Kim Jong Un graciously passed to him to show the world that anyone could achieve their dreams.

Once again, North Korea gets their name etched onto the world cup and prove once again that we are the best nation on earth.

In other news today, Jang Kwang-Hak has been executed for treason.

Marching Time, Petrol Bombs and Crime, Gerry Burning is Crossing The Line...

This weekend the Marching Season goes full retard with the 12th of July parades on Saturday.  Of course, the 12th wouldn't be the 12th without melted tarmac so we have the 11th night to soften the ground.  A night of Bonfires that light up the country from top to bottom (less so around the bottom though, in fairness).

If building a bonfire the size of a skyscraper out of wooden pallets in a residential area wasn't stupid enough, the good people of Antrim today decided to hang an effigy of known politician and definitely not a former IRA commander Gerry Adams.  While the man is not exactly a saint (though give the Vatican time, we don't have a patron saint of voice actors yet and he provided a lot of work for them in the 90's), it has become part of a worrying trend that borders on hate crime. Celtic shirts, Tricolours and  campaign posters for Anna Lo and Martina Anderson have also been seen on bonfires around the country.  It could be said that they shouldn't have left the damn things up in the first place after the election, but who am i to judge.  "Orange Fest" as is bizarrely now called will never succeed as an inclusive event for the entire country when people get away with this sort of shit.

As it does every year, the 11th night will no doubt go off without a hitch of any kind, with revelers tucked up in their beds by midnight with bellies full of toasted marshmallows.  

Stay tuned over the weekend for more coverage of the most peaceful time of the year in our wee country, where we all join hands and sing the sash together.  That's what Orange Fest is about after all.

World Cupdate III

We apologise for the lack of updates in regards to the world cup.  Our current sports reporter, fiercely loyal Frenchman Christarea Sportsteam, has gone off in a bit of a huff since his beloved side went out of the World Cup.  Last time we reported, the Quarter Finals were to be played. 

Argentina 1 - 0 Belgium

Argentina scored in the 8th minute and ground out a 1-0 win. The Belgians played well but it was not to be.

Netherlands 0 - 0 Costa Rica

The most boring game of the Quarters. Cheating Dutch win on Penalties.

France 0 - 1 Germany

The game that broke our correspondent. A typically efficient performance from the Germans to get through to the Semi's. 

Brazil 2 - 1 Columbia

Brazil beat Columbia. Expected really.

The semi's were entirely uninteresting.  Argentina beat the Dutch (the cheating Dutch who shouldn't have progressed this far anyway).  Germany narrowly beat Brazil in a 7-1 victory.  The best match of the cup so far, probably won't be bettered for quite some time.

We'll report on the final after it's happened.  Probably like a month after, we're not terribly on the ball around here and don't actually care about the World Cup...but big news and all that.  

Garth Brooks Concerts Cancelled - A Country In Mourning

Country and Western singer Garth Brooks threw his toys out of the pram today when Dublin City Council refused to allow 2 of his 5 scheduled gigs to go ahead. In a statement, Brooks said "it's all or none" in an attempt to get his money salvage the shows. 

The problem has occurred due to an agreement that the local residents have with Croke Park stating that only 3 non sporting events a year can be held in Croke (which was put in place to placate locals when major redevelopment works began that caused significant disruption).

After One Direction played 3 nights earlier this year, the original 3 night run of Brooks' tour doubled the allowed events but no complaints were made.

Once the fourth and fifth nights were added, local residents threatened legal action (on the 14th of February) so this sudden and entirely unexpected turn of events have ruined the lives of 400,000 'music fans' who won't get to see the shows.

There's still a small chance the shows will go ahead, but in the mean time Bono is flying home from his private island in some tax haven somewhere to bring peace and calm to the Irish people.

Peace Be With You

World Cupdate II: Codename Cup World

This has been a World Cup of several shocks so far, and tonight the quarter finals have been decided.

This is how they will line up:

Brazil V Columbia

This will be a thrilling encounter no doubt, with Brazil probably winning.

France V Germany

This will probably be quite a good match, with both teams not suffering any major surprises in the group stage. Of course France, like every encounter they have had in the past, both on and off the pitch, will dominate the Germans (editors note: Please do not show your national bias in articles, reword this before publishing)

The Netherlands V The Czech Republic 

Should have been Mexico V The Czech Republic.  The cheating Dutch got through after a lucky penalty in the dying moments.  Expect the Netherlands to cheat their way through to the Semis.

Argentina V Belgium

The assumption is Argentina will go through, but the wafflemen have been one of the surprises of the cup so far so it could be an interesting match*

*written during Belgium V USA, the Belgians are currently 2-0 up in injury time.  Will be very surprised if this changes.  No one expected the USA to get this far due to the ball being the wrong shape & having to play for a full 45 mins before a significant break in play.

There have been several shocks so far in the tournament having lost Spain, Italy, England and Portugal.  However, all of the surprise teams are gone and it will be back to the usual drudgery of the Quarters and Semis until a predictable final. 

By:Chrisarea Sportsteam (proud and unbiased Frenchman) 

Breaking News: For the first time ever, a fleg causes problems in Northern Ireland.

Controversy has erupted today in East Belfast over the flying of a fleg.

Normally, the Northern Irish people are fine with flegs. They never cause any problems whatsoever. Union Jacks, Tricolours, accidental Italian/Ivory Coast flegs, Israeli flegs, Palestinian flegs and the fleg which ever other world conflict we decide most aligns with our chosen struggle*. These are all fine and have never caused so much as a stir in the past.

Today however, a line was crossed when some idiot unionist (we assume, it was in East Belfast afterall) put up a KKK flag in the constituency of Naomi Long.  This follows a spate of racist attacks in the area where houses were attacks and even 'protests' occurred when people who were not white moved in.

Just a few weeks ago our own First Minister "accidentally" agreed with a local Pastor who described Islam as 'Satanic' and 'heathen'. 

He's apologised though, so it's probably all ok.  I'm sure whatever numbskull that put up the KKK fleg will do the same, and it will all blow over like nothing ever happened.  Northern Irish people are known for their ability to forgive and forget the past after all.

*gives us something to argue about when marching season is off.