Arlene Foster Resigns

 Arlene Foster has today stood down from being leader of the DUP and as First Minister of Northern Ireland.

A case of jumping before she was pushed out by a no confidence vote, Arlene was keen to avoid the usual method of removing members of the DUP – Attaching them to a Lambeg drum on the Twelfth.

There are several front runners for the position.

Edwin Poots:

Pros for the DUP:

Really really hates the gays. Like its pathological 

Creationist – Believes the earth is 8 years old

Thinks a woman’s place is in the kitchen, not as leader of NI’s most popular unionist party

Wants to move not just Northern Ireland as far back in time as is possible.

Is a white man

Loves the Queen literally more than anyone has ever loved another person.

Cons for the DUP:

His appointment may lose votes from younger moderate unionists who may switch to Alliance.

Odds: 3/1

Gavin Robinson

Pros for the DUP:

Not a fan of the gays. Has voted against a few key pieces of equal rights legislation

Is a white man

Wants to move NI backwards

Loves the queen so much he went to West Minister to be closer to her.

Cons for the DUP:

Might be slightly too progressive. Doesn’t hate the gays enough.

Not clear just how far backwards he wants to take NI.

His appointment may lose votes from older angrier rightier christianer unionists who may switch to TUV

Odds 9/1

The dug up corpse of the Reverend Doctor Ian Paisley

Pros for the DUP:

Its Ian Paisley. The good one, not his shit stain of a son

Its Big Ian, founder of the party

We need someone to shout No, Never ad nauseum right now

Cons for the DUP:

Will need controlled like a marionette. Might be seen as disrespectful

Seemed to lighten up when he was first minister. Might be too progressive for some.

Odds: 1/5 Favourite

Jeffrey Donaldson

Pros for the DUP:

While in the UUP, walked out of the peace talks around the good Friday agreement. Like they all wish they’d done at the time.

Openly offensive about Catholics

Defected to the DUP

Doesn’t like the gays

Loves a wee expenses fiddle.

Got knighted and has officially touched the queen.

Cons for the DUP:

Not DUP enough. If he was, he’d have been in the DUP back in the day and not the filthy UUP.

A little mysterious – Looks like he might have a soft spot for themmuns.

Odds 3/1

Ian Paisley Jr

Pros for the DUP:

His name is Ian Paisley

Really good at swindling the public purse out of money

Wants to make his papa proud and thinks the way to do that is to bring back the troubles.

Cons for the DUP:

He’s a smarmy twat and none of them really like him but keep him around cause his name is paisley and if you squint and he’s having a bit of a munch on a pie or something, he looks like his da.

Odds 50/1

Robot Hitler

Pros for the DUP:

Hates Europe

Proven track record for brain washing people

Literally banned gays

Passed some anti-abortion laws that still survive today in Modern day Germany.

‘Sweet’ moustache

Cons for the DUP:

Was not a fan of Christianity and concerns this might alienate the religious right vote that keep the DUP in power.

Vegetarian

Some slight baggage associated with his past

Odds 2/1