Our Childhood Has Been Ravaged Again With More Operation Yewtree Arrests.

In another devastating blow for children born before 1995, yet more of our childhood stars have been brought in by the police for questioning under the banner of Operation Yewtree.

Those convicted so far include:

Gary Glitter (singer)

Max Clifford (publicist)

Rolf Harris (childrens entertainer, artist, 'musician')

Chris Denning (Radio 1 DJ)

Jimmy Saville was not convicted on account of being dead but it's widely assumed he's guilty as hell.

Here at the Norn Iron News we're pillars of Journalistic Integrity so won't post the names of those taken into custody by police as we don't think it's fair that identities are released before guilt is confirmed.  We can't really post an article without pictures however so these blurred out photos of the suspects will do for now.  We believe these photos have been appropriately masked and refuse to give any incriminating information out to the public.

More on this story as it develops. 

Unionist Outrage Over Something Someone Said - Again

Unionists have been outraged by something again.  

A folk band called 'The Druids' apparently made some sectarian statements while performing on stage at the Ardoyne Fleadh festival.

They said something along the lines of British Soldiers in Ireland "should get together with their Orange comrades and go back to England".

Slightly sectarian? Perhaps.  Hate speech? Not really.

Nonetheless, the DUP are up in arms that the police have decided not to press charges.  

The PSNI had to conducted a 'full investigation' and then present their evidence to the Public Prosecution Service in an exercise which wasted absolutely everyones time and no doubt some tax payers money.

Sources say the situation will blow over soon as the DUP are joining forces with other unionist political parties to find something to be outraged about around the third week in September. 

Google Begin Removing Links From Search Results Under "Right To Be Forgotten" Laws

Google have begun the process of removing links to stories about people under the new EU "Right To Be Forgotten" law.  All you do is fill in a form and request it.

Northern Irish news stories are one of the first to be hit by this.

Several articles about a story from 2001 about brothers Kenneth and Alan Patterson being convicted for bomb making have been removed from the search giants web results.  

It appears as if someone who was implicated but not convicted has made the request, which is fair enough from their point of view, however it is important to remember that Kenneth and Alan Patterson were convicted. For trying to kill people.

No doubt the Streisand effect will be in full force as it takes very little detective work to find who has made the request (which Google will not release and i won't post here).

You do not have to give any reason to be 'forgotten' and have any offending links removed, which is concerning when people have generally done bad things and Googling them is a good way to find this out.

We all know nothing is every truly 'forgotten' on the internet.  Just because it's not on Google, doesn't mean it's not there.

Celebrity Big Brother Kicks Off!

In the yearly event that no one actually cares about anymore, the 2014 series of Big Brother has started on channel 4 Channel 5

Kellie Maloney

Well this is a hell of a place to start.  Boxing promoter (formerly Frank Maloney) who is currently undergoing gender reassignment surgery.  He's been in the headlines recently as he's gone public with his new...lifestyle? Gender? I am unsure of the preferred nomenclature.  The press have for the most part been applauding him for this decision but somehow forgetting comments he made in 2004 while campaigning for UKIP - "I don't want to campaign around gays, i don't think they do a lot for society....I'm not homophobic but in public lets live a proper moral life - i think that's important.  I'm more for traditional family values and family life"

Nothing is more traditional than a transgender parent.  Way to practice what you preach there Kellie and good luck.

Lauren Goodger

I have no idea who this is.  A cursory google seems to suggest she's famous for being on reality tv and nothing else.  I'm not entirely sure that counts as fame?

Gary Busey

Holy shit, someone people might recognise.  Actually famous for his film work and general madness but given he has appeared in Lethal Weapon, Under Siege and Point Break, his appearance may show his career is winding down somewhat.  

That Old Guy Who Plays The Old Guy In American Sit-Coms

That Old Guy Who Plays The Old Guy In American Sit-Coms is no doubt a hot favourite to win this year.

Claire King

She used to be on Emmerdale, she was most recently on Pointless.

Angelique 'Frenchy' Morgan

She's never been seen on UK TV before (except for some nonsense on VH1) but apparenly she's big in France (which is like totally the new 'big in Japan').

Tornado

Dude's a gladiator, he probably has a real name but did we ever know the real name of Wolf? No, we didn't. Because we didn't need to. WOLF POWER.

Edele off of that girl band from back then B*witched

You know the one. No, not her, you're thinking of her twin sister.  No, still not right, that's her brother, the one who's in Boyzone who may or may not still be a thing.  Just look at the picture!

White Dee

'Star' of 'Benefits Street', White Dee is the perfect example of the welfare state in action.

Audley Harrison

The second actual famous person with some sort of measurable talent in this years CBB.

There were other people, but every time i look one of these people up, a little part of my soul dies. So here are their names

James Jordan - no idea why he's famous

George Gibley - from Channel 4's 'Googlebox'

Stephanie Pratt - blah blah reality tv star

Ricci someone

So who will win this years exciting Celebrity Big Brother.

Really don't care. Stick a fiver on the boxing dude/dudette for me.

Northern Ireland Ambulance Service Falling Apart

This past week has seen our Emergency Services in the spotlight as N.I.A.S has come under fire for generally being a bit shitty.

Unison, the biggest (and most conceited) union for the service said their members voted unanimously 'no confidence' in the NIAS board.  

They released a statement yesterday and while they raise several very valid points (not enough staff, cancelled leave, delays in hospitals and insufficient rest periods), there were a couple of things that stood out for me. Directly from the Unison Briefing:

UNISON currently represents approximately 750 ambulance staff across Northern Ireland.  UNISON Shop Stewards and staff representatives from across the province voted unanimously that they no longer had confidence in the NIAS Trust Board

So they didn't actually poll their members..not the best no confidence vote out there.

UNISON is confident that the Northern Ireland public holds their ambulance staff in the highest regard. Not just for the work they do presently, but for the sacrifice, loyalty and dedication they demonstrated throughout “the Troubles”.  The public will recognize these comments for what they were, an attempt to blame the shortcomings of management on the staff

You know when American right wing news stations refer to 9/11 as a way to get public sympathy? It's kind of horrifying really, to use memories of a national tragedy that (or in the case of our little island, tragedies) to soften up the public.  This is what Unison did here, they 9/11'd us with this press release.

Yesterday some guy from Unison (who from what i could gather isn't actually ambulance service personnel as he didn't seem to know much about it) and the Chief Exec of NIAS were on the radio with locally famous/hated hate monger & stirrer of pots, Steven Nolan.  Neither of them came out of it well.

So what will happen to our precious service? Hopefully it will be ok. I've no doubt that the public, as i do, support the staff who clearly do a difficult job.  NIAS managers have made some regrettable comments in the media but the responses we've been hearing from the staff are beginning to sound equally as petty.  Lets hope the situation is sorted soon before someone suffers the consequences of this collective clusterfuck. 

Manchester United Ban Tablets, Large Smartphones Because Terrorism

English football club Manchester United today announced that they would be banning supporters from bringing laptops, tablets and large screen mobiles into the 'Theater Of Dreams' that is Old Trafford citing 'security concerns'.

'Most' smartphones will be allowed into the ground, as the restriction only applies to a phone with size of more than 5.9".

That won't restrict too many people at all, will it?

As long as you don't have:

Sony Experia Z Ultra

Samsung Galaxy Mega

Any higher end Huawei

Nokia Lumia 1520/1320

LG G Flex

There are way more...but as long as you don't have one of the above (or many other phones made by HTC, Samsung, Nokia or Sony) you'll be fine.

Manchester United have stated that it would be 'impractical' to make each owner power up their device to ensure it's genuine (as happens in airports) so who knows what will happen. You get turned away from the game or they take your mobile and feed it to Wayne Rooney are the two most likely options.

Robin WIlliams, RIP

Rest In Piece, you magnificently funny bastard.

Lauren Bacall has also passed, a multi award winning actress who will be the Farrah Fawcett to Robin's Michael Jackson.

DVANI Swap To Swansea A Roaring Success says DVA

The DVA in Swansea has reported a seamless shift to their systems following the closure of the Northern Irish office.

In the real world where things that are real actually happen, the process has been a bit of a clusterfuck all round.  People haven't been able to tax their cars and the differences in our MOT systems (Mainland UK - MOT after 3 years, NI - 4 years) mean that cars bought on the mainland and sold over here 3 years later cannot be driven as one computer says the car needs an MOT, the other one says it doesn't need an MOT but rest assured, it will be the one that insists you need the test that is used and your car will be nicely cubed for you.

The switch to Swansea was seen as a cost saving measure but has just caused a total fucking disaster.

The backlog is increasing each day so if your car tax is due at the end of the month, you better make damn sure you've sent all the forms off at the start (and not going to the post office on the 30th like you normally do) as you're not allowed to drive even though it's not your fault.

Thanks, new DVA.

Deceased Israeli President's Plaque Removed

The blue Plaque for former Israeli President Chaim Herzog has been taken down off the home where he was born in Cliftonpark Avenue.

The property has been attacked several times in recent weeks as...retaliation over Israeli actions in Gaza? I guess. I mean Chaim Herzog is totally to blame for current violence, obviously.  Leaving office in 1993 and just flat out dying in '97 clearly show he had something to hide and committed terrible crimes in office (he didn't do anything too awful, but one or two less than admirable events of note).

With levels of antisemitism in Belfast reaching alarmingly new highs, this sort of behavior is just what we need to help smooth things over with our rapidly dwindling Jewish community.

Find out more in our upcoming piece - Belfast: A City For All

Palestine/Irael Manage Three Days Without Killing Each Other

Palestine & Israel managed a whole three days without murdering civilians this week before finally breaking their ceasefire at 6am (UK time) this morning.

Hamas kicked off the shit by firing at least 30 rockets into Israel injuring one civilian and a soldier.

Israel then hit back with rockets, tank bombardment and gun boats.

Both sides are pretty much just blowing the shit out of each other at the moment however in the past month, 1700 Palestinians (1300 civillians) and 67 Israelis (3 civillians) have lost their lives.

It's worth nearly 2000 lives for something that won't be settled any time soon.  If world history has taught us anything, it's that violence is the solution to more or less every problem.

LESBIANS ARE STEALING OUR SPERM

According to a front page headline in this weekend's Daily Mail, there is shock and outrage as the NHS has decided to fund sperm banks for lesbians that will be paid for by you the tax payer (emphasis on you by the Daily Mail).  

The mail has got interesting quotes from a variety of critics of the scheme, all of which more or less say "children should not be brought into the world without a father".

Of course the vast majority of us know people who didn't grow up with a father and they turned out just fine but it is apparently sick and wrong and outrageous and sick and wrong according to the paper.  

The would be parents can select the attributes of their sperm donor, such as height, hair colour and even hobbies.  Some have likened this to eugenics however this process has been in practice for some time in other parts of the world and has never been raised as an issue.  Is this not what straight women do when they select their partner in the first place?

Bishop Michael Nazir-Ali has said that "designer babies are a disaster for society".  I'm not going to write out his entire opinion piece and I will absolutely not link to the Daily Mail website (google it if you must) but he did say the following:

"The result of 'father hunger' can be seen in educational achievement and on our streets where it contributes to delinquency".

So, and I apologise if I am misunderstanding this, children without fathers (and therefore children of lesbian couples and single mothers) grow up stupid and end up being criminals.  Though I may be reading into it too much.

So lets be outraged at the thought that children may grow up with either only one, or two same sex loving parents. 

Russia Censors The Internet

Russia has enacted a new 'Information Security Law' which more or less prevents any sort of freedom of expression coming out of Russian Websites.  In a move that China would be proud of, any bloggers with more than 3,000 page views a day must register with the mass media regulator 'Roskomnadzor' and conform to the regulations that larger Russian News outlets already conform to.

These rules include:

The only images allowed of Vladimir Putin must have him shirtless and preferably with an animal of some kind

No references to communism whatsoever

Decrying all video games that have Russians as the bad guys as 'western propaganda'

No references to 'The Hunt For Red October' or Sean Connery

Discussion of the Ukraine/Crimea issue to emphasise that they wanted to join Russia and that all military action was done of their own accord.  Also, Russia has no idea where they got all those weapons from.

Constant reminders that the only reason NASA have a space program is because Russia has been flying them up there on Soyuz.

The new regulations have been described as 'Draconian' by everyone else.  It takes away any anonymity that bloggers were once afforded and as all data must be stored on Russian servers, the government has full access to the identities of all bloggers.  

Earlier in 2014, a law was passed to allow the Russian government to block any website it wished without any explanation whatsoever.  They blocked several blogs of prominent critics of the government saying they were being used to help organise illegal protests (at least they gave a reason i guess).  

For a country that is so pissed off at the freedom the internet provides, at least they're still providing shelter to Edward Snowden i suppose.

In the interests of science, we ran this article through the Russian Government servers and this is what popped out the other end:

RUSSIA ANNOUNCES NEW LEGISLATION TO IMPROVE THE INTERNET

Vladimir Putin announced today that we will be allowing our bloggers to publish their information through Russian Government servers.  This will greatly improve the quality of our output so the rest of the world can see Russia as the intellectual powerhouse that it is.

This is on the back of our previous law that allows us to block any website we wish.  This was enacted to protect our innocent Russian children from the various bad things that regularly happen throughout the world.

Meanwhile, American Ambassador Edward Snowden continues to live in peace in the Kremlin after defecting from the United States. 

Happy August! Stormont Rings In The New Month With £78M Budget Cuts

Stormont Announces Budget Cuts

Education & Learning, Social Development and Justice are to be the hardest hit in the newest round of budget cuts that are in place because the DUP and the Shinners can't agree on welfare reforms in place across the water.  

Health & Education are unaffected by the budget but here are the effects the cuts will have:

Education and Learning:

Decrease in the availability of courses to acquire skills for further advancement in employment

Decreased funding for R&D throughout the province

Employment rights to be cut - Doing away with the whole 'racial discrimination' thing and just employing your brother.

Social Development:

No further social housing to be built - fuck people, let them just live on the streets. If they can't find a job, it's not our problem...and with the cuts to Education and Learning, finding a job will be even harder now.

Pensions - With the lack of housing, a lot of people will probably die a lot younger anyway so the shortfall in pensions will even itself out.

No more parks - we might continue renaming our old parks after terrorists but other than that...eh, kids can play on the roads.

Justice:

Cuts to legal aid - if people can't afford to represent themselves, that's not our problem. They should get a better job (see Education & Learning)

Thankfully though, they've found £1,000,000 to save the aquarium so it's not all bad news. 

Britain A Nation Of Perverts & Sexual Deviants

Recent figures released by OFCOM show that Britain is a nation of perverts and sexual deviants as only 13% of new internet users agreed to opt in to the porn filters put in place by ISPs.  

The filters have been slowly rolling out since last July under David Camerons "OH MY GOD WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN...not that way, Rolf" bill.

A little bit of background on the 'OMGWSPTOTCntwr' bill first:

Porn. Porn is everywhere. A Google search for even the most innocent of things such as 'deer frolicking in a meadow' will bring up reams and reams of hardcore pornography.

Of course, this isn't true but David Cameron and his Daily Mail brigade would have you believe as much.  

The filters block porn and about 1/4 of other sites on the internet that they consider 'adult content' (which can include sites such as blogger, reddit and imgur). 

The filter has not yet made it to existing customers who will have to opt in/out. The previously held assumption that brits would be too polite to say 'bring on the porn' has been disproved so far.  Censoring the internet in such a way is seen as a step too far by many but there is a chance a lot of people who aren't overly familiar with the internet won't realise their content is being blocked at all.  

So PlusNet, when the time comes and you ask me...bring on the porn.

SPORT THINGS!

It's been a thrilling week in sport. Rory McIlroy won some sort of stick/ball based game and shunned a child, some cars drove around in Germany, Manchester United defeated LA Galaxy's reserve squad so are basically going to win the Premier League next season and the City of Glasgow has sobered up for a few weeks to host the Commonwealth Games.

The Commonwealth Games: A Brief History.

The Commonwealth Games began in 1930 as a way for the British to remind people that we once owned them. In the first few games, known as The British Empire Games, countries competed under the original names given to them by the British Empire.  These included:

Australia - Criminal Island

Canada - That cold place above the Americas that we didn't want because it was too cold

New Zealand - Small empty place just beside Criminal Island

India - TEA!!

Ireland - The Irish Free State

Scotland - That shit place above England

Wales - That shit place west of England

Northern Ireland - That violent place North Of Ireland that we don't really want but seem to have ended up with even though most of them don't want to be here.

and 44 other places we can't be bothered to name.

After spending a paltry 575 million on the games, so far they've been a roaring success with the home nations winning....well, no medals have formally been awarded yet but i'm sure there'll be loads.

Winners will be awarded chocolate medals and the usual champagne spraying has been replaced with the more customary local tradition of Irn Bru or Buckfast.

PSNI Threatens Skinny Dippers With Sex Offenders Register

Police in County Down have warned skinny dippers that they could be placed on the sex offenders register for their water based nudity.  

On the PSNI Holywood Facebook page, an officer wrote: "Two males have had to be reported for indecent exposure as they thought it was a good idea to take all their clothes off and go for a swim - not a good idea"

Due to the fact there are young children about on the beach, this does seem like fair comment but being placed on the same list as sex offenders and paedophiles does perhaps seem like this "one label fits all" class of punishment is perhaps not fit for this particular porpoise. 

The PSNI have also warned that they are on the lookout for people drinking alcohol on beach and will be increasing patrols in the North Down area to catch people out.

Between increasing manpower to catch someone having a beer on the beach, updating facebook and the resources devoted to the 'Bessbrook Massacre', it's lucky that Northern Ireland is always so peaceful in July and they can afford to use time and officers for such important assignments.

60 Fish Found Brutally Murdered In Armagh River

60 fish have been found dead in Bessbrook River in County Armagh.

Officials investigating the incident have cordoned off the scene and crime scene investigators are looking for forensic evidence as we speak.  Environment Minister, Mark Durkan, has said "i'm concerned about this, i'll be monitoring developments here closely" 

PSNI Chief Constable George Hamilton has issued the following statement:

"Police are looking into the deaths of at least 60 fish in Bessbrook River.  We are investigating this thoroughly.  Unfortunately our investigation has been delayed due to several red herrings but we are certain we have at least one person on the hook for this heinous crime.  Thankfully, July is typically a quiet time for the PSNI so we can give this terrible tragedy our full attention".

We can only hope these murderers will be brought to justice.

Bad Parenting Causes Social Media Outrage

In a stunning display of stupidity, a picture of a young girl with the acronym K.A.T. written in facepaint on her forehead.

The unnamed five year old girl (and lets hope it stays that way as future googlers could find it interesting) was photographed at an 11th night bonfire with a Union flag on her cheek and K.A.T. on her head.  If you are unaware K.A.T. stands for 'Kill All Taigs' and is seen daubed on the walls of East Belfast by the literary whiz kids in the area.

Her mother, who has not been named for obvious reasons, claimed that she was unaware that it had happened as she was not in attendance.  She said that other children had written these words on her beloved daughter and when asked, her daughter said she thought it stood for "kiss and tell". How sweet. 

If it was other kids who did this, we should be ashamed of how the children of Norn Iron are raised. Bigotry is clearly learned in this country.

Alliance leader Naomi Long has condemned everything, as that's what our politicians do. She may have said words like "i condemn this and everything that happens that the larger percentage of our population happen to disagree with". 

Chaos In Belfast on the 11th Night...

As usual Belfast City was in chaos on the 11th night with riots, fires and...wait. What? It was quiet? On the 11th of July night in Belfast after the bonfires? Shit.

BELFAST PEACEFUL ON 11th NIGHT 

"We had no idea what to do with the 200 extra PSNI staff just sitting around eating crisps" say police chiefs.

Belfast enjoyed a quiet night on the 11th of July this year. In an unexpected turn of events, Belfast showed that it had finally grown up.  Although there were some issues with the actual bonfires as previously mention in the Norn Iron News, the usual rioting and wrecking of the city didn't happen with people showing levels of maturity that we haven't seen in this country for quite some time.

The 12th of July parades went well and were relatively without incident and the 12th night was fine except for 200 people rioting and throwing petrol bombs at police near Lanark Way. Aaah, there it is.

On Sunday night, petrol bombs were also thrown at Willowfield Police Station in East Belfast.

While it is sad to say that only 200 rioters and a few petrol bombs is a massive step in the right direction for this country, it is most definitely the case.  

Of course, we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves, there is still the entire summer to go and lots of time for rioting yet.  In the mean time however sit back, relax and, especially if you live in East Belfast, enjoy a good nights sleep without the constant sounds of sirens and helicopters.

GLORIOUS NORTH KOREA LIFT WORLD CUP FOR 17th CONSECUTIVE TIME

Pyongyang was a place of celebration today as the national team returned home victorious from Brazil, led by decorated captain and tournament golden boot winner Kim Jong Un.

Having won every World Cup since the formation of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea in 1945, Kim Jong Un led his team to glory in a thrilling Final in Brazil. 

Due to our dominance in the World Cup throughout the years, the disgusting westerners of FIFA tried to rig the final.  Instead of playing Germany, as would have been the case had usual rules been followed, FIFA colluded to set up a 'Rest Of The World XI' consisting of the finest talent from the rest of the teams in the World Cup.

Not even this could prevent glorious North Korea from winning 9-0 with Kim Jong Un scoring a double hat trick.  The last three goals were scored by Jang Kwang-Hak after Kim Jong Un graciously passed to him to show the world that anyone could achieve their dreams.

Once again, North Korea gets their name etched onto the world cup and prove once again that we are the best nation on earth.

In other news today, Jang Kwang-Hak has been executed for treason.