Marching Time, Petrol Bombs and Crime, Gerry Burning is Crossing The Line...

This weekend the Marching Season goes full retard with the 12th of July parades on Saturday.  Of course, the 12th wouldn't be the 12th without melted tarmac so we have the 11th night to soften the ground.  A night of Bonfires that light up the country from top to bottom (less so around the bottom though, in fairness).

If building a bonfire the size of a skyscraper out of wooden pallets in a residential area wasn't stupid enough, the good people of Antrim today decided to hang an effigy of known politician and definitely not a former IRA commander Gerry Adams.  While the man is not exactly a saint (though give the Vatican time, we don't have a patron saint of voice actors yet and he provided a lot of work for them in the 90's), it has become part of a worrying trend that borders on hate crime. Celtic shirts, Tricolours and  campaign posters for Anna Lo and Martina Anderson have also been seen on bonfires around the country.  It could be said that they shouldn't have left the damn things up in the first place after the election, but who am i to judge.  "Orange Fest" as is bizarrely now called will never succeed as an inclusive event for the entire country when people get away with this sort of shit.

As it does every year, the 11th night will no doubt go off without a hitch of any kind, with revelers tucked up in their beds by midnight with bellies full of toasted marshmallows.  

Stay tuned over the weekend for more coverage of the most peaceful time of the year in our wee country, where we all join hands and sing the sash together.  That's what Orange Fest is about after all.

World Cupdate III

We apologise for the lack of updates in regards to the world cup.  Our current sports reporter, fiercely loyal Frenchman Christarea Sportsteam, has gone off in a bit of a huff since his beloved side went out of the World Cup.  Last time we reported, the Quarter Finals were to be played. 

Argentina 1 - 0 Belgium

Argentina scored in the 8th minute and ground out a 1-0 win. The Belgians played well but it was not to be.

Netherlands 0 - 0 Costa Rica

The most boring game of the Quarters. Cheating Dutch win on Penalties.

France 0 - 1 Germany

The game that broke our correspondent. A typically efficient performance from the Germans to get through to the Semi's. 

Brazil 2 - 1 Columbia

Brazil beat Columbia. Expected really.

The semi's were entirely uninteresting.  Argentina beat the Dutch (the cheating Dutch who shouldn't have progressed this far anyway).  Germany narrowly beat Brazil in a 7-1 victory.  The best match of the cup so far, probably won't be bettered for quite some time.

We'll report on the final after it's happened.  Probably like a month after, we're not terribly on the ball around here and don't actually care about the World Cup...but big news and all that.  

Garth Brooks Concerts Cancelled - A Country In Mourning

Country and Western singer Garth Brooks threw his toys out of the pram today when Dublin City Council refused to allow 2 of his 5 scheduled gigs to go ahead. In a statement, Brooks said "it's all or none" in an attempt to get his money salvage the shows. 

The problem has occurred due to an agreement that the local residents have with Croke Park stating that only 3 non sporting events a year can be held in Croke (which was put in place to placate locals when major redevelopment works began that caused significant disruption).

After One Direction played 3 nights earlier this year, the original 3 night run of Brooks' tour doubled the allowed events but no complaints were made.

Once the fourth and fifth nights were added, local residents threatened legal action (on the 14th of February) so this sudden and entirely unexpected turn of events have ruined the lives of 400,000 'music fans' who won't get to see the shows.

There's still a small chance the shows will go ahead, but in the mean time Bono is flying home from his private island in some tax haven somewhere to bring peace and calm to the Irish people.

Peace Be With You

World Cupdate II: Codename Cup World

This has been a World Cup of several shocks so far, and tonight the quarter finals have been decided.

This is how they will line up:

Brazil V Columbia

This will be a thrilling encounter no doubt, with Brazil probably winning.

France V Germany

This will probably be quite a good match, with both teams not suffering any major surprises in the group stage. Of course France, like every encounter they have had in the past, both on and off the pitch, will dominate the Germans (editors note: Please do not show your national bias in articles, reword this before publishing)

The Netherlands V The Czech Republic 

Should have been Mexico V The Czech Republic.  The cheating Dutch got through after a lucky penalty in the dying moments.  Expect the Netherlands to cheat their way through to the Semis.

Argentina V Belgium

The assumption is Argentina will go through, but the wafflemen have been one of the surprises of the cup so far so it could be an interesting match*

*written during Belgium V USA, the Belgians are currently 2-0 up in injury time.  Will be very surprised if this changes.  No one expected the USA to get this far due to the ball being the wrong shape & having to play for a full 45 mins before a significant break in play.

There have been several shocks so far in the tournament having lost Spain, Italy, England and Portugal.  However, all of the surprise teams are gone and it will be back to the usual drudgery of the Quarters and Semis until a predictable final. 

By:Chrisarea Sportsteam (proud and unbiased Frenchman) 

Breaking News: For the first time ever, a fleg causes problems in Northern Ireland.

Controversy has erupted today in East Belfast over the flying of a fleg.

Normally, the Northern Irish people are fine with flegs. They never cause any problems whatsoever. Union Jacks, Tricolours, accidental Italian/Ivory Coast flegs, Israeli flegs, Palestinian flegs and the fleg which ever other world conflict we decide most aligns with our chosen struggle*. These are all fine and have never caused so much as a stir in the past.

Today however, a line was crossed when some idiot unionist (we assume, it was in East Belfast afterall) put up a KKK flag in the constituency of Naomi Long.  This follows a spate of racist attacks in the area where houses were attacks and even 'protests' occurred when people who were not white moved in.

Just a few weeks ago our own First Minister "accidentally" agreed with a local Pastor who described Islam as 'Satanic' and 'heathen'. 

He's apologised though, so it's probably all ok.  I'm sure whatever numbskull that put up the KKK fleg will do the same, and it will all blow over like nothing ever happened.  Northern Irish people are known for their ability to forgive and forget the past after all.

*gives us something to argue about when marching season is off.

Luis Suarez - No Clever Title Needed

So. Luis Suarez. This seems too easy for jokes. It's incredibly easy to make fun of someone who is paid £200,000 per week and they then get upset and bite someone.  During the World Cup. In front of millions of people watching at home.

Long story short - bitey man bites someone at the World Cup and Fifa  have banned him for four months from any sort of football related activity.  Of course, the world is outraged....by the actions of Fifa. Here are some of the things people are saying (none of these are made up):

Lila Piriz Da Rosa (his grandmother): "Everyone knows what they've done to Luis.  They wanted him out of the world cup...They had their eyes on him to see what he does, it's barbaric what they've done to him"

I apologise, that may seem like a somewhat biased view. She is his grandmother after all.

What about Jose Mujica, president of Uruguay? 

"We feel like this is an assault on the poor because this gang will never forgive him because he never went to university"

and of course

"It's a match and these things happen..."

Yes Jose, these things have happened before.  In both 2010 (Ajax Vs PSV) and 2013 (Liverpool Vs Chelsea) so your statement is correct.  However, in both these incidents, the person doing the biting was none other than Luis Suarez.  

It is also worth noting that FIFPRO, the world players union, have advised that this ban may conflict with his "right to work".  He's been banned from football stadiums, not McDonalds so i'm sure he'll find a job if he inexplicably runs out of money. 

However, even if his ban does not get overturned, i suspect at 200k a week, his days will look something like this...

UNITED STATES GIVES IN TO GLORIOUS NORTH KOREA

The United States Of America once again showed its western inferiority today when it agreed to execute Hollywood stars James Franco and Seth Rogen for their attempt at releasing an American propaganda film called "The Interview" where they mercilessly mock our Supreme Leader.

All copies of the film are to be burned.

In other exciting news, North Korea have made it to the last 16 of the world cup after comprehensive victories against Brazil, Spain and France, coming top of their group with 12 points (an additional 3 points were awarded due to the quality of their performances).

Kim Jong Ba

The Queen and Prince Philip Tour Northern Ireland

The Queen and Prince Philip began their tour of Northern Ireland yesterday. They started their day with by visiting the one place they're loved more than any other - West Belfast. Photos are soon to emerge soon of them posing hilariously in the stocks at Crumlin Road Gaol.  Joking aside, it is a fairly monumental achievement that British Royalty managed to spend the morning in West Belfast without a single security alert and it is a testament to the progress of the PSNI.

The effective closure of The Mater Hospital (with the exception of hospital staff and emergency vehicles) was surely worthwhile. I know i'd be absolutely fine if i got turned away by security services because i forgot my photo ID when going to visit my critically ill family members.

They then visited Paint Hall Studios where Game Of Thrones is filmed.  While not fans of the show themselves, Prince Charles has been known to enjoy the series with his favourite and most watched episode being Season 4, Episode 2 which he has viewed a total of 192 times on his Sky Plus box.

The rest of the day was spent with various brown nosing members of Stormont.

Wednesday was all fun and games and, showing the terrifying and embarrassing gulf between US and UK television, they went to visit the antiques road show.  The episode will not air for some time but lets hope they get told whatever item they brought is actually a fake and worth 100 times less than they thought.

What exciting things do they have in store for us tomorrow on their final day in Norn Iron? Find out...in a few days, when we get round to updating this again.

DOE NI Make Their Yearly 'Road Safety' Advert.

So. Did you watch the video?
In what seems to be the DOE's yearly competition to outdo last years advert, they've come out this time around and just flat out killed a bunch of kids.  (flat out..see what i did there).

If you didn't watch the video (and you wouldn't want to. I feel like i should have maybe said that somewhere before the video) here's the summary.
A class room of kids goes out on a field trip to Lady Dixon Park
A man is driving a car too fast.
The man flips the car on the corner (somehow).
The children get smushed.

All of this backed by an acoustic version of Sweet Child O' Mine by known road safety advocates, Guns N' Roses.

In an exclusive, The Norn Iron News have obtained the minutes from the meeting that decided on the content of the advert. Names have been redacted for obvious reasons.

Minutes from the Department Of The Environment (Northern Ireland) road safety campaign meeting. April 2014

*irrelevant notes removed - ed*

Advertising person 1: So, what do we do this time? We've killed lots of people in our adverts, handicapped quite a few and had a lot of barely passable graphic content.  You, Advertising Person 2 - What was our most powerful advert to date??

Advertising person 2: Probably that one where there was that kid playing football in his garden, then a man lost control of his car and it rolled over the hedge and killed him.

Advertising person 1: Yes, that was my favourite to date.  But what can we do to top that? What will shock people more than killing a child?

Advertising person 2: Er..killing like...15 of them?

Advertising person 1: Goddamit Advertising person 1...you're a goddamn genius. You have whatever budget you need, make it happen.

Advertising person 2: Should we maybe change the scenario a bit? Make the driver someone different, like a woman or an elderly person. Or perhaps find a way so it's not a car inexplicably rolling several hundred feet?

Advertising person 1: Dammit man, it's always a man in his 20's - you know this.  They're the only ones who drive dangerously.  As for the car rolling.  Did you know that it's possible for your car to suddenly roll for no reason, even when you're stationary? It's been checked, it can happen.  Now stop with the stupid ideas and focus on the good one.  Get out there and kill those children.

End Of Minutes

As you can see, the meeting was straight forward and a total success.  If there were Baftas for advertisements, this one would be sure to win the 'Best Graphic Advert in the PSA Category'.  I've no doubt that the kid of people who drive like maniacs will get a sudden burst of realisation when they see the consequences of their dangerous driving in a one minute advertisement on television (post watershed of course).

World Cupdate

 And so, out of all the home nations, Britain's expectations weigh upon the shoulders of the English players.  A Squad good enough to at least make it to the last 16, they have so far triumphan...lost their first two games, and are out of the cup.  Despite the 'ABE' brigade (Anyone But England) it's nice to see at least one of our crappy countries do well, and since Norn Iron, Scotland and Wales are kind of crap at football, England are all that's left.  Help us Roy Hodgson, you're our only hope.

Sadly, England had the 'Group Of Death' in World Cup Group D with giants Italy, um..Uruguay and, er, Costa Rica.  Italy and the mighty Costa Rica* have progressed through to the next round leaving the English players to fly home and face the inevitable butchering in the press.

Of course, the mighty France have breezed through their group and will inevitably be lifting the cup come July.

Chrisarea Sportsteam.

*This is why we don't write these before the games have been played. Oops. 

We'd Like To Welcome Our New Staff...

Because the editor is terrible at updating this blog, we have a couple of new staff on board to help report the news.

Flamboyant Frenchman Chrisarea Sportsteam is on Sport and in a coup for any Western news source, Kim Jong Ba is reporting for us from North Korea on all the news that they don't want you to hear.

Thanks to these guys for joining the team and hoping we can keep updates semi regular.

Sooooo...

Let's just ignore the massive absence shall we. Life got in the way.

Drumglass Park to be renamed "Michael Stone Recreational Area"

Drumglass Park on the Lisburn Road in Belfast is to be renamed the "Michael Stone Recreation Area".  The convicted murderers name was put forward by members of the local fun and activity group, the UVF.

While this may seem tasteless to many, the trend was started by the Newry & Mourne District Council when they renamed a local park "Raymond McCreesh Park" after the convicted IRA Man.  McCreesh died while hunger striking in 1981.

Local councils all over the country are now considering renaming parks in the same fashion.  Not because they want to play petty games, but because it is apparently now appropriate. Please see below for the full list of parks to be renamed throughout 2013.

Bobby Sands Memorial Park (Formerly St Columbs Park)

King Rat Recreation Area (Formerly Ormeau Park)

Michael McKevitt, Liam Campbell, Colm Murphy and Seamus Daly Park (Formerly Falls Park)

Special Branch Square (Formerly Custom House Square)

Many more parks are set to be renamed once they can decide on the least appropriate name for them.

So - lets just pretend there hasn't been yet another huge gap between postings again.  It's been an uneventful summer. Very little happened in the world of sport, things have been quiet in the middle east and there haven't been any political scandals in either Northern Ireland or the rest of the world.

So back to semi-regular updates (at least until i get bored/too sick/too busy again).

Tech News

Don't get the reference? Then you're not the nerd you thought you were (UK Nerds Only).

In what is probably the most important period in the history of the Internets since Al Gore invented it, things are kicking off big style with a whole lot of shit about privacy, PIPA, censorship, SOPA, MegaUpload, MegaVideo, MegaSaurus Rex, Megasus, streaming, downloading and the remaining parts of the 1% of things on the internet that aren't pornography.

The FBI took all the mega related websites offline due to illegal activities.  If Hollywood has taught me anything (and it has taught me so much) is that american law enforcement agencies are huge into their jurisdictions, so it's come as a massive surprise that the FBI can now operate in New Zealand to shut down these file sharing sites.  Despite the fact that Mega Upload was used for things other than 'copyright material', its been taken down and all data is likely to be deleted from the servers (unless of course it can be used to put these MONSTERS behind bars) so lots of actual non 'criminals' have lost their work.

Of course the good people of Anonymous/Anon-ops have been fighting back for the little guy by taking down various US Goverment Websites, the RIAA, Universal Music and MPAA.

More or less the argument boils down to - should we be able to what ever we want on the internet, or should it be regulated and censored?

 Or In Picture form  - 

Couldn't find the pictures i wanted. In the mean time, please enjoy this kitten as a placeholder for the photos that i will forget to make/find and add at a later date.  Though in fairness, if the internet is heavily regulated and censored, there could be a massive reduction in the number of pictures of cute kittens - the minute someone goes on a kitten murdering spree, all the photos will be taken off the internet by governments because the person who gets caught will be found with LOLCats on their internet favorites and the only logical conclusion people in power seem to come up with is THE INTERNET/VIDEO GAME/SONG* made me do it.


*delete as appropriate

Financial News

In short - Greece is about to fuck up the entire Eurozone, Ireland will go back to the Potato (a joke NEVER used before on this site), Italy will fall, petrol prices will rise and eventually it will be more valuable than gold, leading to a mad-max style situation except less anti-Semitism  Mel Gibson. If the Euro goes, the Pound Stirling will probably collapse, followed by the (US) Dollar until Asian and Australia are the only dominant financial powers.  Leading economist and futurist Russell Grant has predicted Asia will win and eventually the Chinese will rise to power, only to be toppled by Kim Jong Un finally making a decision (The decision being where to set down his glass of soju - on top of a big red coaster that looks suspiciously like a big red button that one should never touch unless absolutely sure that the destruction of the world is correct decision to make).

2012

So, 2012 is upon us and i really haven't be arsed to post any news, what with being busy and all, so here's a bit of stuff thats happened so far (i say so far - just stuff thats happened over the last few days because January 2012 was incredibly uneventful, news wise)

NornIronNews - Review Of The Year 2011 - In Pictures

2011 In Pictures - Because i'm too lazy to write words.

2011 was a bit of a mad one, a shit load of stuff happened:

The Arab Spring began with uprisings in Egypt.

Man running away like an Egyptian

There were terrible natural disasters leading onto horrible man-made disasters.

Residents of Fukushima Zoo

Bono made it through another year

Twat

Some people i don't care about got married, and there was something to do with an arse.

Royal Wedding

Team America took out the worlds most wanted man

Fuck Yeah!!

England burst into flames

What do we want?
Free shit!
When do we want it?
Now!

Lots of famous people died

Jingle Jangle

*insert rehab joke here*

*insert I-something joke here*

Importantly, this woman did not die - so breaking the Curse of The Golden Girls

This woman will outlive you

Lots of people sat down in lots of cities to achieve...something?

Jobless Bearded Hippy protesting

Daffy Duck Died

You're Despicable! 

Team America Struck Again and took out Kim Jong Il

Here to save the mother fucking day, yeah!

Portugal, Ireland (Italy) and Greece fucked the up the Euro for everybody

mmmmm P.I.G

But its OK, the Germans are going to fix it all again

The only way to deal with Europe is to Annex the whole lot.

Thats it - thats the news for 2011.  Nothing else happened, no matter what anyone else tells you

So 2012 is upon us

and i feel it may be time for a review of the news for 2011.  Stay tuned.

(i'd also like to note, i've been looking at the cool new statistics function on blogger and impressed at the number of readers in various parts of the world. local news ftw)

MTV EMA BELFAST AWARD WINNERS LEAKED!!

Image we used before, too lazy to find a new one

The Norn Iron News can exclusively reveal tonight's MTV EMA award winners, found in a bin outside Belfast's Odyssey Arena.

Best Song:
Nominee's:
Adele - Rolling In The Deep
Bruno Mars - Grenade
Jennifer Lopez Feat Pitbull - On The Floor
Katy Perry - Firework
Lady Gaga - Born This Way

Winner - Frederic Chopin - Nocturn No 2 in Eflat Major


Best Live Act:
Nominee's
Coldplay
Foo Fighters
Katy Perry
Lady Gaga
Red Hot Chilli Peppers

Winner - The Wurzels


Artist Most Likely To Come Out Of The Closet In The Next Twelve Months
Nominee's:
Justin Bieber

Winner -  Justin Bieber

Worst Musical Performance By An Actor That Has No Place Doing Music
Nominee's
Bruce Willis
Keanu Reeves
Russel Crow
Steven Segal
Juliette Lewis

Winner - Juliette Lewis for her terrible band - Juliette & The Licks**
**While not the worst, probably the most famous




The Britney Spears Award for Best Celebrity Meltdown Of The Last Twelve Months


WINNING - Charlie Sheen


The Kurt Cobain Lifetime Achievement Award For The Commercialization & Manufacture Of Music:
Simon Cowell
Has ruined music, the dick






We have also received a copy of the MC's closing speech:

It's been such a great night here in Belfast, Ireland.  Thank you so much for putting on this wonderful evening.  When we were preparing to come over, we were expecting things to be on fire, bomb threats and having to drive around in cars like the pope mobile.  We're surprised & delighted that only two of these things have happened.
Thank you Belfast, You have truly shown us what you Irish say when you mean "craic" and all of the musicians here tonight are grateful its so damn cheap.


We'll be back soon to report on the fall out!