Flegs Cause Yet More Trouble

Offensive Fleg

Police were called to a house in Holywood on Sunday when a complaint was received about an offensive flag flying outside someones house.  

The local resident, who chose not to be named for various reasons, put it up to show support for national ball/stick game hero Rory McIlroy and the European team in the Ryder Cup.

One of his neighbours reported to the police that an 'Arabic flag' was being flown and that he found it offensive and the police responded for some reason.

No-one is entirely sure why an Arabic flag would be offensive the first place to cause a police response.  If he was flying the Swastika to show his support of Hitler, then that could be cause for alarm but....

The only Arabic flag to bear any resemblance to the European flag is the flag of Somalia which looks like this.

We took to the streets of Belfast and asked the locals to pick out the Somali Flag from a selection of Flags and this was the common response:

Yaaar!

The fact the man made the report in the first place shows that he isn't bright enough to know what the Somali Flag looked like so this seems like typical Northern Irish Fleg Outrage.

In a country where we see Union Flegs, Tricolours, Israeli Flegs, Palestine Flegs, Italian Flegs and Ivory Coast Flegs regularly flown this is somehow offensive enough to make a call to the police who then actually sent out officers.

As the man who was supporting Rory said, "You couldn't make it up"*

* i am loathe to use that sentence, it sounds far too Daily Mail-esque

Northern Ireland Library Service To Be Gutted

Chief Executive of N.I Libraries, Irene Knox, announced yesterday that a number of temporary staff were to be cut from N.I Libraries front line staff in an effort to meet budget cuts imposted on the Department of Culture, Art and Leisure. 

This all seems eerily reminiscent of the process that in 2010, resulted in the closure of 10 libraries in the Greater Belfast area, again due to budget cuts.  On that occasion however, they actually had a public consultation (that resulted in four libraries being saved) instead of making the announcement the same day they notified staff.

There is no doubt that the cutting of these agency staff will result in library closures.  Although nothing was mentioned in yesterdays press release, it is very clear that given the service is in a constant budget crisis, they wouldn't be employing these agency staff just out of concern for Northern Ireland's high unemployment rate.  These staff are obviously covering shortfalls in the service and if you remove them, clearly gaps will be left.

There seems to be little public outcry that has been seen so far.  Could this be because they announced the story at lunch time on a friday and by mid evening it had dropped down to the second page of news on the Belfast Telegraph website?

We cannot allow the cuts to go unnoticed.  As we've mentioned before, certain parties in Stormont *cough* Sinn Fein *cough* are refusing to allow the UK governments welfare reforms to go through.  Which is good for the people on benefits.  However everyone else who relies on the NHS, Libraries NI, Education and basically every other department within ggovernmentis suffering as we are having to make massive budget cuts to keep up with the financial penalties that the refusal to even look at the UK Govt proposals is causing.

So who will really care about the Library service closing some branches? Not you, you're on your phone or laptop, reading a site that either makes jokes about serious news or just flat out makes it up.  So it doesn't matter about the Library Service when you have a kindle, a laptop or a smart phone.

It probably matters to the people who don't have these devices and use the library computers.  It matters to the parents of the children who have taken an interest in reading because of the enthusiastic agency workers they've just fired.  It matters to the elderly who go in for help in getting to grips with the technology that i mentioned before.  It matters to a lot of people who use the service.  I use it, i like actual books.  I enjoy graphic novels but hate reading them on screens and can't afford to buy all the ones i want to read.  It matters to the people that work there.

One final question i have though is:

Irene Knox - if they fired you, or maybe one of your deputies...how many frontline staff would that keep?  Former libraries NI employees have said, particularly during the 2010 round of cuts, that the service is manager heavy.  Since then the people who don't work in the actual libraries and no-one is sure what they actually do have gotten their pay rises and protected their jobs. Four years have passed and the people who actually do the work get punished again.

So instead of cutting the front line workers, maybe someone needs to look at the people who don't actually work in the libraries, figure out what it is they actually do and then realise that they could probably get rid of a whole lot of them and run Libraries NI with greater efficiency and service. 

Northern Ireland Still The Happiest Place To Live In The UK. Somehow.

According to the Office Of National Statistics, Northern Ireland has been named the Happiest Place in the United Kingdom again.

They asked a representative sample of 165,000 (out of the 60 odd million people who live in the UK) the following questions:

1 - Overall, how satisfied are you with life nowadays?

2 - Overall, to what extend do feel the things you do in your life are worthwhile?

3 - Overall, how happy did you feel yesterday?

4 - Overall, how anxious did you feel yesterday?

Co-author of the study, Dawn Snape, described the Northern Irish people as a 'conundrum' as they scored so highly despite having a higher rate of unemployment than the rest of the UK.  Somehow someone who works for the Office Of National Statistics cannot see a direct correlation between not working and feeling happy with life.

The top five of the UK wide survey of happiest places were:

1 - Antrim. Home of the worlds most bombed Hotel

2 - Fermanagh - Mainly livestock.

3 - Omagh - Mainly farmers who are naturally happy as they get to drive tractors and no-one has ever seen someone look sad in a tractor.

4 - Dungannon - Mainly chickens.

5 - Somewhere in England somewhere.

So there it is. Northern Ireland is the happiest place in the United Kingdom despite seasonal violence, a government that's 20 years behind most of the modern world and its populace suffering from an identity crisis.

Come on, come all. Just not in July. Please.

Shake Up In Stormont

Peter Robinson today announced a reshuffle in Stormont with several key figures being moved around in an effort to settle the party before the local elections.

The movements in full(ish):

Edwin Poots is being replaced as health minister by Jim Wells.  Poots won't be going to another department, instead he'll have his legs broken by friends of Peter Robinson and sent to A&E by ambulance to see first hand the clusterfuck he's created.  No doubt staff will treat him graciously.

Nelson McCauseland is being replaced by Mervyn Storey as DSD head. Again, he isn't being given another position, but is being sent back to around 68,000,000 years ago to show him a thing or two.  Failing that, he'll be sent to chair the culture, arts and leisure committee, replacing Michelle McIlveen (who's moving to education).

Some other people that have managed not to make such monumental fuck ups that they get destroyed in the press are also moving departments.

Alex Salmond Asks Scotland For Independence. "No" Says Scotland

Using an extremely complicated algorithm devised by graduates of Queens University*, Norn Iron News can exclusively reveal the results of the Scottish referendum on independence and the answer is No.  

Getting the results just as the polls closed is a coup for our little organization but as there were only 12 actual votes cast, it was an easy count.  However the official results won't be announced until somewhere between 6am and 7am as previously speculated.

It was an incredibly close vote that was broken down as follows.

6 votes for no

5 votes for yes

1 vote was unreadable, orange and quite sticky.

Alex Salmond now has his tail between his legs having pissed off every government official in the UK bar those in his own party.  As agreed though, the Scottish parliament is to get yet more powers from Westminster including.  No-one is entirely sure of the specifics of the deal but it's expected it will at least get Alex Salmond to shut the hell up for a while.

Alex Salmond has vowed to keep holding referenda until people get so sick of it they just say yes.


*we tossed a coin

Live - Scottish Referendum From Glasgow

No preamble, straight to NornIronNews reporter Agnes McStereotype who brings us all the news from Glasgow.

1500:

Of the 4 million registered voters, there are 2 from Glasgow who are definitely going to vote as far as we know so far today.

The polls have been open since the crack of dawn this morning but as yet, we haven't seen anything.

15:34

News reports are coming in of an assault in one of the polling stations at Shettleston Community Centre where one of the voters was brutally attacked with a battered mars bar.

16:02

Still just the one vote cast.  We've seen a number of fist fights but none of them are related to the election.

16:55

The second Glaswegian is out to vote.  Obviously it's bad form to tell the world how you have voted but the giant 'YES' pin badge taking up half of their shirt should at least give an indication as to which way their loyalties lie.

17:00

Both voters from Glasgow have made their decisions known, so that is us for the day. Good luck Scotland

With just a few hours remaining until the polls close, the remaining few voters have yet to register their interest in actually voting.  The other 4 million who are registered but don't care enough to go out and place their vote are likely to be the one who ultimately decide the fate of Scotland and the United Kingdom.

Further Updates to come after 10pm.

See here for our earlier coverage

Live - Scottish Referendum

The most important vote in Scotch history is under way today.  With just over 4,000,000 Scotch people registered to vote and around 12 expected to actually show up at the polling booths, a very close fight is expected.  

Our Scotch reporter, Tartan McHaggis, is live on the scene all day:

10:00:

We've been here since 6am this morning, wandering around Edinburgh and trying to find people who were going to vote.  We've had little success.  

The problem has been the lack of media coverage.  Neither Alex Salmond nor David Cameron have said much at all about the issue to the Scotch people.  We'll update you if we can find a voter.

11:42:

We have found two voters in Edinburgh.  Apparently, journalists are not allowed into any of the polling stations so we cannot say what went on inside but suffice to say, they went in looking all sad and Scottish and came out looking even worse.

We're going to have a smoke and some coffee now, and will report back if anything happens.

12:18

We saw a small ginger cat chasing a squirrel through the park, it was incredibly cute.

14:14:

The fifth and final registered voter from Edinburgh has gone into the polling station just moments ago. We'll try and nab him before the BBC do when he comes out again.

14:16:

We listened in and transcribed the BBC Interview with David McAngus, here's what was said:

BBC Scotland Correspondant James Cook:

JC: David, how did it feel today to have a say in the future of Scotland.

DM: *incomprehensible*

JC: I'm sure.  Do you feel like your vote could be the one that makes the difference?

DM: *incomprehensible*

JC: Completely.  How are you going to cope with the wait until tomorrow morning to find out the results?

DM: *incomprehensible*

JC: Laughs Well, i certainly agree with you there! This is James Cook, for BBC Scotland.

As you can see, the buzz of excitement among voters is like no other and this is truly a historic day for Scotland.  Voting in Edinburgh seems to be finished so we'll pass over to our Glaswegian Correspondent who will update the blog in around an hours time.

The Scotch Vote For Independence Draws Closer

The Scotch have a decision to make this week.  On Thursday, million of Scotch people will rush to the polls to vote on whether or not Scotland should break off from the United Kingdom and become independent.  

While they won't physically break away (though if Alex Salmond had his way, they'd have a line of pneumatic drills working 24/7 along the border), what will the repercussions be if Scotland becomes independent?

- The price of Haggis, Irn Bru and Edinburgh Rock to increase throughout the remaining UK nations.

- The Scottish Premier League (SPL) will be even worse.

- If they do not adopt the Euro, they will launch their own currency - The Haggis (Symbol will be the squiggle (~) and currency code HAG).

- As the Treasury is refusing to allow them to use the Sterling, they will no longer have the Queen on their money. The Scottish five Haggis note will have Susan Boyle, the ten will have David Tennant, the twenty will have Sean Connery and of course the little seen fifty Haggis note will be large enough to show both members of the Proclaimers.

- Can no longer use Hadrians Wall as a tourist attraction.  It's been fine up to now as we're all one big happy family but the wall is in England, so enough of your nonsense, Scotland.

- Edinburgh castle to be shipped, brick by brick, back to England as they were the last monarchy to live there.

- The Last King Of Scotland will become an inaccurate title as Alex Salmond prepares for a drastic change in government.  

The United States Of America are keeping a close eye on the current situation.  If Scotland does gain independence, the current US administration believes it may have to swoop in and liberate the North Sea fields.

The vote is too close to call at the moment, polls are swinging one way or another depending on who does the poll.  We'll keep you updated throughout the week and this Thursday we plan to do a live blog of the news, updating hourly.

- 

Ian Paisley - The Death of A Titan Of Northern Irish Politics.

Ian Paisley, one of Northern Ireland's most famous political leaders, has passed away at the age of 88.

A Norn Iron News Obituary

Before entering Politics, Paisley formed the Free Presbyterian Church Of Ulster who are frankly a little bit extreme with their views.  Homosexuals are going to hell, the Pope is the Antichrist, that sort of thing.

He then got into politics and single handedly held off peace in Northern Ireland for an entire generation.  It's safe to say that up until the very late 90s and early 2000's he was a bit of a roadblock for any constructive political discourse in Northern Ireland due to his rabid hatred of the Shinners.

Then he ended up being First Minister. I can't be bothered to look up how this happened. Voted in or something i suppose.  He and his deputy, Shinner Martin McGuinness (pictured below)

Deputy First Minister Martin McGuinness showing off his proficiency with a water pistol

became known as the chuckle brothers.  Two men who were at odds through much of their political careers had become best of friends.

It's safe to say that old Paisley had mellowed out  a lot.  Power sharing, friends with his nemesis.  Whether or not his later work undoes the problems he caused in the 70's, 80's and 90's remains to be seen but most people agree that a key figure in the history of Norn Iron has passed away.

Paisley - A Life In Pictures

A Restored early photo of Ian Paisley.  His first word - NO

One of his early Speeches.  The transcription can be found online but it can be summarised as "No,. Never. Never. Never"

Paisley & McGuinness enjoying a moment, preparing to take on The Alliance Party.

Ian Paisley - 1926-2014

In the interests of not showing political bias, please enjoy this photograph of current First Minster, Peter Robinson, also holding a (much larger) water pistol.

Our Childhood Has Been Ravaged Again With More Operation Yewtree Arrests.

In another devastating blow for children born before 1995, yet more of our childhood stars have been brought in by the police for questioning under the banner of Operation Yewtree.

Those convicted so far include:

Gary Glitter (singer)

Max Clifford (publicist)

Rolf Harris (childrens entertainer, artist, 'musician')

Chris Denning (Radio 1 DJ)

Jimmy Saville was not convicted on account of being dead but it's widely assumed he's guilty as hell.

Here at the Norn Iron News we're pillars of Journalistic Integrity so won't post the names of those taken into custody by police as we don't think it's fair that identities are released before guilt is confirmed.  We can't really post an article without pictures however so these blurred out photos of the suspects will do for now.  We believe these photos have been appropriately masked and refuse to give any incriminating information out to the public.

More on this story as it develops. 

Unionist Outrage Over Something Someone Said - Again

Unionists have been outraged by something again.  

A folk band called 'The Druids' apparently made some sectarian statements while performing on stage at the Ardoyne Fleadh festival.

They said something along the lines of British Soldiers in Ireland "should get together with their Orange comrades and go back to England".

Slightly sectarian? Perhaps.  Hate speech? Not really.

Nonetheless, the DUP are up in arms that the police have decided not to press charges.  

The PSNI had to conducted a 'full investigation' and then present their evidence to the Public Prosecution Service in an exercise which wasted absolutely everyones time and no doubt some tax payers money.

Sources say the situation will blow over soon as the DUP are joining forces with other unionist political parties to find something to be outraged about around the third week in September.