Michael Collins 1890 -2021

 

Normally we have obits written months, even years in advance. But unfortunately no one saw the untimely death of Irish Revolutionary and pioneering Astronaut Michael Collins as even a possibility. 

Born in October 1890 in county Cork, like most irish people in 1890, he left for London as soon as he was able and joined the civil service while studying.  He joined the IRB (friends of the Ra) then moved back to Ireland. 

He took part in the Easter Rising and got scooped by the Brits.  Due to be taken in for some painful interrogation, he accidentally moved to one side and ended up in a different queue and was taken to Wales where he immediately started planning 'what next'.

A load of stuff happened. He became a shinner - MP for Cork South and became part of the first Irish goverment.  Norn Iron popped into existence, there was a civil war in Ireland and then in 1922, he went incredibly quiet.

He popped up in the 50s in America as a fighter pilot.  In the late 50s, he became a test pilot into the 60s and in 1963 he joined Nasa. 

Collins was assigned to the Gemini program and in 1966, launched on board Gemini 10. He became the first astronaut to perform 2 space walks on the same mission.  

Moved over to the Apollo program, he was first made capsule communicator for Apollo 8 - the astronaut at mission control and progressed to become primary crew for Apollo 11. He orbited the moon for an entire day, the lonliest man in the solar system.

Post Nasa, amongst other things, Collins became the director of the National Air and Space museum before retiring to live out his remaining days quietly.

He never returned to Ireland and passed away on 28/04/2021 aged 130

Arlene Foster Resigns

 Arlene Foster has today stood down from being leader of the DUP and as First Minister of Northern Ireland.

A case of jumping before she was pushed out by a no confidence vote, Arlene was keen to avoid the usual method of removing members of the DUP – Attaching them to a Lambeg drum on the Twelfth.

There are several front runners for the position.

Edwin Poots:

Pros for the DUP:

Really really hates the gays. Like its pathological 

Creationist – Believes the earth is 8 years old

Thinks a woman’s place is in the kitchen, not as leader of NI’s most popular unionist party

Wants to move not just Northern Ireland as far back in time as is possible.

Is a white man

Loves the Queen literally more than anyone has ever loved another person.

Cons for the DUP:

His appointment may lose votes from younger moderate unionists who may switch to Alliance.

Odds: 3/1

Gavin Robinson

Pros for the DUP:

Not a fan of the gays. Has voted against a few key pieces of equal rights legislation

Is a white man

Wants to move NI backwards

Loves the queen so much he went to West Minister to be closer to her.

Cons for the DUP:

Might be slightly too progressive. Doesn’t hate the gays enough.

Not clear just how far backwards he wants to take NI.

His appointment may lose votes from older angrier rightier christianer unionists who may switch to TUV

Odds 9/1

The dug up corpse of the Reverend Doctor Ian Paisley

Pros for the DUP:

Its Ian Paisley. The good one, not his shit stain of a son

Its Big Ian, founder of the party

We need someone to shout No, Never ad nauseum right now

Cons for the DUP:

Will need controlled like a marionette. Might be seen as disrespectful

Seemed to lighten up when he was first minister. Might be too progressive for some.

Odds: 1/5 Favourite

Jeffrey Donaldson

Pros for the DUP:

While in the UUP, walked out of the peace talks around the good Friday agreement. Like they all wish they’d done at the time.

Openly offensive about Catholics

Defected to the DUP

Doesn’t like the gays

Loves a wee expenses fiddle.

Got knighted and has officially touched the queen.

Cons for the DUP:

Not DUP enough. If he was, he’d have been in the DUP back in the day and not the filthy UUP.

A little mysterious – Looks like he might have a soft spot for themmuns.

Odds 3/1

Ian Paisley Jr

Pros for the DUP:

His name is Ian Paisley

Really good at swindling the public purse out of money

Wants to make his papa proud and thinks the way to do that is to bring back the troubles.

Cons for the DUP:

He’s a smarmy twat and none of them really like him but keep him around cause his name is paisley and if you squint and he’s having a bit of a munch on a pie or something, he looks like his da.

Odds 50/1

Robot Hitler

Pros for the DUP:

Hates Europe

Proven track record for brain washing people

Literally banned gays

Passed some anti-abortion laws that still survive today in Modern day Germany.

‘Sweet’ moustache

Cons for the DUP:

Was not a fan of Christianity and concerns this might alienate the religious right vote that keep the DUP in power.

Vegetarian

Some slight baggage associated with his past

Odds 2/1

Sinn Fein: Why They Are To Blame for the actions of Loyalists by Arlene Foster

We have got an exclusive unedited excerpt from tomorrows column in the Bel Tel from Arlene Foster.  Be sure to pick up the paper or, if you're a modern idiot who enjoys terrible journalism for a monthly fee, subscribe on their website to read the articles and still get advertised to!

My name is Arlene and i have a story to tell you.

In June of 2020 while we were in a pandemic, a man died.  Honestly, i don't know who he is or what his deal was, only that themmuns loved him.

We'd just told everyone to stay at home and behave themselves.  We put the toasters in the cupboards where they belong and stayed indoors.  Catch it, bin it, kill it. Hands, Face, Space. Sinn Fein, IRA, beardy Gerry.

All of themmuns went to his funeral.  Literally forty hundred thousand people, all out on the streets. Some of those people were shinners who, just days before, said not to gather in large groups.

The hypocrisy of them.  The utter gall! The DUP are many things but we are certainly not hypocrites.

The PSNIRA were in Belfast giving fines out to peaceful protestors, but did they do anything at all about this funeral? I mean, yes..sure, they gathered evidence and passed it all to the Public Prosecution Service who decided not to press any charges but this is clearly the PSNIRA at work, protecting their friends. 

We have carefully explained this in the young DUP weekly meetings to our members who still have no fucking clue what this is all about were absolutely aghast and decided to take this to the streets to peacefully protest.  Translink had the audacity to try and run their normal bus route nearby so they kindly asked the driver to leave.  It is fortunate that they did as the bus inexplicably went on fire.

The PSNIRA then turned up and looked at our brave loyalists with funny eyes and obviously they reacted poorly. Trying to set the police on fire when they look at you is our god given right as loyalists.

So you see, Belfast, Newtownabbey, Carrick and LONDONderry being on fire isn't anything to do with my party stoking tensions. This is clearly all a direct result of the actions of Sinn Fein. If pretending that this is all their fault is wrong, i don't want to be right.

Blaming anyone but the shinners reflects poorly on the poor loyalists and on the honest and hard working members of the DUP who have spent the last few weeks stirring the shit out of the pot to get people angry calling for calm.

 

This is not protest. This is vandalism and attempted murder. These actions do not represent unionism or loyalism. They are an embarrassment to Northern Ireland and only serve to take the focus off the real law breakers in Sinn Fein.
My thoughts are with the bus driver. https://t.co/2JRcOb6s8C

— Arlene Foster #WeWillMeetAgain (@DUPleader) April 7, 2021

Covid!

 

Oh shit, we forgot about covid. That happened in 2020/21.  I’m sure we’ll go into it at some point.

While we’ve been away – Part 1: The End Of The Fucking World.

 

So we last posted in 2018.  I was going to do a run down of 2018 – 2021 but I mean why bother.

2018 was all Trump and Brexit.

2019 was all Trump and Brexit and somehow actual living muppet Boris Johnson became PM. At the end of the year a few people coughed.

2020 was largely uneventful, still Brexit but Trump got defeated in the election so we can have another old white dude as leader of the free world (though admittedly he seems considerably less insane).

2021 Is full on crazy Brexit and Norn Iron is on fire so I feel like maybe we should start screaming into the void about NI again.

 

So that’s the review of the time we’ve missed.

Fuck it. We're coming back

 It's true. After yet another multi year break, Norn Iron News can finally use the funds we saved up heating our house with wood pellets to get our journalists back out on the streets of NI and around the world. 

British Government regretting the whole "Northern Ireland" thing.

The British Government have finally admitted that they may have made a mistake in the whole "Northern Ireland" thing.

Theresa May made a full statement to the commons which we have transcribed below

"I think it's time to finally admit that a mistake was made. Our ancestors invaded Ireland in the 1200s and we regret that. In 1921 we chose to partition the North from the South and it is a decision we deeply regret now. We are sorry to the people in England who wanted to leave the EU that Northern Ireland is really screwing the whole thing up. We bought their Westminster representatives but despite that, we face resistance at every turn for our plans to completely destroy the British Economy.
We are sorry and we humbly request that Ireland take them back. Please"

We are still waiting on a statement from Irish PM Leo Varadkar but early reports suggest that his statement will largely consist of snickering and gestures. 🖕

It's Marching Season (corrected)

Sorry.
That last post was made before I read the news.

Buses were on fire, bonfires were the size of skyscrapers so big that Dwayne Johnson couldn't deal with them and Bogside is like Kosovo in the 90s.

Business as usual folks, congrats! We did it!

Northern Ireland once again lives up to expectations by making us all look like cunts to the rest of the world ♥

It's Marching Season!

It's Marching Season and everything has gone off without a hitch.

East Belfast, Newtownards and Derry have been the most peaceful they've been in years.

Well done everyone!

While We've Been Away Part 4: Abortions For Everyone!

You heard it. Now the entire of the United Kingdom and Ireland allow women to get abortions... Ish

In a bold move for women's rights everywhere, the suspiciously progressive Irish people voted in yet another referendum to allow women to get abortions.

Historically, Ireland has been ruled by the pope from his golden throne on Grafton Street with a golden fist but the people have risen up and decided that the church shouldn't really have a say in Politics.

Obviously, Northern Ireland is the hold out. Despite a female first minister, women's rights are non existent.
The Roman Catholic Church needs another country to oppress so perhaps it's time for a Vatican/DUP team up!

While We've Been Away Part 3: Gay Marriage in the ROI

In an absolutely shocking turn of events, they had a referendum in the south to allow gay marriage. Obviously we all assumed that they'd manage to get enough write in votes to deport the gay people back to Holland or some other gay country but no.
People turned out en mass and now everyone can get married!
Men and women, men and men, women and women. And of course man can now marry beast as that was one of the stern warnings given to us by God pre referendum.

Whats next Ireland, abortions for everyone??

While We've Been Away Part 2: Donald Trump

So there was an election in 2016 in America and Clinton was looking good until the whole email thing just days before the election.
Then
Unimaginably
Donald Trump won.

You could see it on his face that morning. The "oh dear god, what have I done" face.

And now we are basically living in the film "Idiocracy" except without Terry Crews being in charge.

The only silver lining is that American late night TV is pretty fantastic right now.

But what the fuck America. You screwed the fucking pooch on this one.

While We've Been Away Part 1: Brexit

So the big ones.
While we have been away, the UK overwhelmingly voted to leave the European Union

*does research*

While we were away, the UK narrowly voted to leave the EU with 51.9%  voting to leave and the rest voting to remain.
Despite the close vote, all Four home countries expressed their will to leave the EU.

*more research*

The English and the Welsh voted to leave the EU while Scotland and Northern Ireland voted to remain.
Of course, for some reason if some wanted to leave, we all have to leave but I guess at least we'll be able to do some good with those sweet EU billions we currently pay out like plow it into our NHS.

*research intensifies*

Oh for fucks sake.

VOTERS, WHAT DID YOU DO???

Are we back? Maybe!

So I sort of unofficially retired this blog in 2014 because, well, life got in the way and I was happy. And I can't write stupid angry rants when im happy.

As of 2018 I am still happy but Northern Irish Politics has got so bad that I am fucking furious about the world again so I think we're back for a bit.

When I knocked this on the head, there were a decent number of readers still, from surprisingly all over the world, and I know most of you probably don't check Blogger any more and that's ok. I just need somewhere to shout, even if it is just me screaming into the void.

If you do happen to get the little ding in your inbox that I've posted again, welcome back.

Black Friday comes to the UK - People lose their shit.

Black Friday sales hit the UK this year in a big way and already (time of writing - 10am) people are losing their shit.  Police have been called to several Tesco and Asda stores as customers get out of hand trying to get cheap TVs.

In The United States, Black Friday is a holiday that follows Thanksgiving Thursday where retail stores heavily discount outgoing stock to sell to the public.  It has slowly been gaining traction online in the UK for the last year or two but this is the first time that brick and mortar stores have gone out of their way to contribute to the madness.

Many large stores have been open since midnight and selling a lot of items at up to 80% off.  It's set to out do boxing day as the UKs biggest shopping day for the first time since people kept track of this sort of useless statistic.

Even online retailers such a Currys/PC world had to implement a queuing system on their websites from as early as 10pm the night before to prevent their site from crashing under the expectations of eager shoppers.

There have been no reports yet of any serious problems in Norn Iron but if there's one thing we do better than the rest of the UK it's get a bit rioty over nothing so watch this space.

Ulster Scots visitor centre opens in Belfast city centre. People still unsure of what it is.

Ulster Scots, a language that only exists because Unionists are jealous of Republicans having Irish, has got its own visitor centre in Belfast City Centre this week.  With approximately £350,000 of its funding coming from the UK government and around the same from the Irish government, some may see it as a waste of money for what is essentially a dead language that no-one speaks (although the 2011 census has the number of speakers at around 16,000, but everyone has got together and agreed that the figure is probably bollocks). 

Ulster Scotch: What we know

Examples of Ulster Scotch (or Ullan) date back to the 18th Century.  There was large demand for Scots speaking poets such as Burns, Lindsay and Ramsay in Ulster and their work was printed locally.  Scots was also used in the narrative in local literature in the 19th century by Ulster novelists.

Then it sort of died. In fairness, everyone was a bit busy in the early 20th century with risings and global conflict.  

There was a revival in the early 90's and in 1992 the Ulster-Scots Language Society was formed to protect and promote what they saw as a language (but no-one else did).

Ulster Scotch as it is today is basically made up.  A language that has gained what little traction it has because of Unionisms need to have a sense of belonging and identity.

Make up your own language, it's fine. I did it when i was 8 and it never hurt anyone.  The main difference is that i didn't get £350,000 of government funding to open a 'visitors centre' in the centre of Belfast.  Not to mention the missing £400,000 from 2010.

Ulster Scots has received at least a million in funding in the last 4 years.  This would be fine if we hadn't been in an economic decline for the same time.  A decline that is coming to a head in the upcoming budget.  The money that's being given to keep alive a language that essentially only exists to prove a point could be much better spent in our schools, our libraries, on our roads or in our hospitals.

Happy 100th Birthday to us! 100 Years of Norn Iron News

We're 100 years old today. Here's a short history.

Started in 1914, our first story was all about The Great War and distributed about Belfast free of Charge written on the back of cigarette cartons.  Due to the prohibitive cost of printing, our first article was:

"War: Europe at War. More Next Week".

In Norn Iron News tradition, we didn't print another article until June 1916 when 18 year old founder, editor and writer David McNorn accidentally volunteered for the 36th Ulster Division and was sent to war.  He convinced the powers that be that he was a proper journalist so managed to avoid any actual fighting and observed The Battle Of The Somme from the side lines, writing up reports for the top brass and sending them back.  Some of his work was printed in the press at home for morale purposes and he always considered these to be official Norn Iron News publications (they were not).  The bloodiest battle of the great war, The Somme lasted until November and thinking he'd managed to get out unscathed, McNorn was captured by the Germans.

He was released in September 1939 (a paper work snafu saw him classified as German so he was held as a traitor long after he should have been released in 1918) but promptly recaptured while realising his long held boyhood dream of visiting Poland before he came home.

He finally arrived back in Belfast in 1945 and bought some premises to start his new paper, The Norn Iron News. 

He sadly died before launching the first proper issue of The Norn Iron News.  No autopsy was ever carried out however unconfirmed reports suggest he fell into what was to be the Norn Iron News printing press. (This is thought to be the origin of the 'what's black and white and read/red all over' joke).

In 2009 the Norn Iron News editor found the printing press at an auction, pulled McNorns remains out of the workings and relaunched the Norn Iron News.  It flopped spectacularly and was too expensive so he just stuck it online instead.  And here we are. 100 years later*.  Happy Birthday To Us.

*100 posts

News Roundup Part Two - An Irish man in Damascus, Jim Wells is a dick and Ashers Bakery are giant dicks.

Northern Irish man attends training camp in Syria

We love Derry here at the Norn Iron News.  You know who loves it more though?  Eamon Bradley who recently returned home to Derry after receiving fire arms training in Syria.  

Inexplicably, he could not get the training he needed from anyone in Derry or even Northern Ireland.  Given our propensity toward violence, it's clear he didn't look hard enough.

Bradley claimed he used his training to help fight future Call Of Duty bad guys ISIS while in the middle east but did not use firearms or explosives to do so.  Presumably he went for a speed class and just ran around knifing them.

Incoming health minster Jim Wells starts as he means to go on

It was the announcement we were all waiting for. Poots was out.  Who would replace him....none other than Jim Wells.  He couldn't be worse than Poots, could he??

"If you go to a hard bitten social club in West Belfast tonight, you will see six foot tall men with skin head haircuts, tattoos and earrings, standing out in the rain smoking"

Nothing says 'i'm good for this country' like some epic stereotyping in your first month in a high profile post.

Nice one Jim.

Bakery to be prosecuted for hating the gays/sticking to its principles/ being dicks

The Northern Ireland Equality Commission is to take legal action against Ashers Bakery after it refused to make a cake with pro gay marriage slogans on it.

Long and short of this story is:

The bakery are being dicks

The catholic church has sided with the bakery (at least it's local bishop has).

Nearly everyone else supports the Equality Commissions view of things.

Just bake the fucking cake guys...it was to have Bert and Ernie on it. Focus on that.

And Happy 100th post to us.

News Roundup Part One - Budget Cuts, Ebola, Sport and Abortions

Google Image Search For The Word 'News' Gave This Result

News Roundup.  Because we forgot to write anything for three weeks.

First up - Sport!

No men hitting balls with a stick this time around but rather men hitting balls with their feet.  After beating the mighty Estonia and Greece in the Euro Qualifiers, Northern Ireland have risen to 43rd place in the Fifa World Rankings table.  Ahead of ROI and just behind Scotland and Wales.

HOLY SHIT WE MISSED EBOLA IN NORTHERN IRELAND...wait, no. It's ok.

A patient, believed to be a woman, returned from Africa and tested positive for malaria.  Having been to an ebola infected region, they also put her into isolation and the national media flipped their shit, reporting on the lack of news every day until the ebola tests came back negative.    A random woman in Derry also tested negative after going to the hospital feeling "generally unwell" and worrying she had contracted Ebola, despite not being out of the country.  

Stormont Agrees Budget At Last

The NI Assembly agreed a budget at last this October, securing a 100 million loan from the Treasury.  Only the shinners & the DUP voted for the budget with the SDLP voting against and Alliance abstaining (uncontroversial position by the Alliance party? Shocker).  Oh and the UUP abstained too but no one really cares what they think.

Long story short, they need to find savings of nearly £900,000,000 (900 million, yes) so most departments, with the exception of health, will be gouged for cash.  Health will in fact get an increase to its budget of 200 million but somehow they're still cutting services and closing hospitals.

Nice work, Stormont.

Amnesty International Poll Suggests Public In Favour Of Abortion (In Certain Circumstances).

Long and short of this is that the government, being alarmingly rooted in the church, won't even think about it so it's not really news.  Nice try though Amnesty, at least someone is trying to do something.

Paying For Sex Made Illegal In Northern Ireland, Men Everywhere Disappointed To Find Out It Wasn't Before.

The Northern Ireland Assembly has finally passed a law making it illegal for people to pay for sex in Northern Ireland.  Up until this week it was perfectly legal to pay for sex by either picking up a prostitute on the road side or going to one of the many brothels dotted throughout the country.  Arguments against the proposal have centred around how the law will force prostitution underground as it was so mainstream and public before.  

We took to the streets of Belfast and asked the question; "What do you think about the law just passed that will make paying for sex illegal?" and we got the following responses.

"It's legal now???"

So, you have a short window before this becomes law to get yourself as many prostitutes as you want without fear of legal repercussions. Go to town, they hang out around Alfred Street and near the cinema.