World News Special

A Tsunami that hit in Samoa has killed over 100 people. As with any horrible tragedy it is only being given headline status in the UK because a brit was killed. Otherwise, the press would bury it on page 18 or, if your a red top, put a small story on page two and on page three, ask some large breasted blonde air head her opinion.









Zoe Says – This is terrible and stuff, out of the all the dead bodies, there is a poor British Person. This is worse than the time i lost my hair brush. These things make me sad.

MLA Expenses Claims Come To Light

The Northern Irish MLA Expenses claims have recently been published in a small local newspaper in Northern Ireland. They can claim up to 72k a year to help run their constituency.
Some of the more interesting claims include:
Peter Robinson claimed for a 42inch tv (apparently for his ‘office’. I think he has mistaken the word office for ‘living room’)
The Shinners have been claiming up to £10 for a toaster.
Ulster Unionists have claimed for Sky Plus (only the basic package you understand, anything more would be wrong) and nearly 1k for a walnut desk (because sometimes, ikea just doesn’t cut it)
The Independents in Tyrone have claimed £100 for a Map of Fermanagh. I have sent them detailed information about these new fangled ‘satellite navigation devices’ that cost around the same and through the use of witchcraft they show maps of the whole country.

Robot Hamsters Top Christmas Wishlist

This years must have Christmas toys have been announced – a talking hamster & an electronic kitten.
These ‘artificially intelligent hamsters’ run around their special cages doing hamstery things with none of the worry of cleaning/feeding/teaching kids responsibility. A Local Scientist, apparently a graduate from Queens, has said “The main problem is, and bare with me here, that artificial intelligence can lead to significant problems. I refer you now, to Article A – The complete Terminator Franchise script book. Artificial intelligence is a bad thing, and the last thing i want is to become a slave to robot hamster overlords” .
While we all have our doubts over the hamsters, it makes a chance from last years top xmas toys.
Xmas 2008 Xmas Toys – Provided by Argos
1 – Matt Black Butterfly Knife & sharpening set
2 – 10 empty milk bottles, 10 rags and a gallon of petrol
3 – Balaclava – Box of – Quantity 10

Bono Invited to meet pope

Its a pope-stravaganza this week with two news stories featuring the Poperiffic Pontiff. He has invited Irish ass-hat Bono to the Vatican in and effort to try and re-connect “religion and the arts”.
As we all know, Bonio had a ‘special relationship’ with his predecessor Pope John Paul II, even allowing him the dubious honour of letting him put his stupid fucking glasses on (i would put a picture of this, but i can not deal with more than one picture of bono a week or i need to purge).

Vatican sources have advised that Pope Benedict MMCVIXQRVII may be ‘grooming’ Bono to become his understudy and perhaps even the next pope, which is the penultimate step in bono’s life before, in the final step of his lifecycle, he finally disappears completely up his own arse creating a black hole and destroying the universe with the sheer weight of his own self importance.

Northern Ireland Assembly to Waste More Money

The Northern Ireland Assembly has agreed to waste yet more public money on useless crap despite pending cuts on health care and policing. The Minister for the Environment has agreed to look into the issue of ‘overbearing hedges’. Thats right, using our tax money to try and make a proposal on how to deal with exceptionally tall hedges. A lot of money could perhaps be saved with three simple words “cut them down” or of course the old tactic of burying your neighbours under the offending hedges.

Either way, we don’t need a committee for this shit.

Pope to Visit Northern Ireland

New Pope Benedict XIXXIXXIXXIXLCMCCMV may visit Northern Ireland in the near future, Vatican sources have leaked. For some reason, it is thought that the popes first visit to the UK should be to Northern Ireland, the country where half the population don’t want him and its probably the most dangerous of the four UK countries to visit.

UPDATE: This has since been denied, a spokesman for the Vatican has said “I’m afraid to say that this story is an absolute fabrication. The implication that his holiness would visit that shithole is utterly ridiculous”

BREAKING NEWS

NORTHERN IRELAND PIGS TEST POSITIVE FOR SWINE FLU

Er...Pigs in Northern Ireland have tested positive for Swine Flu...

Um..This is a shock because....oh, they have contracted the Human H1N1 variant.
Shit. So, basically the Swine flu that mutated and spread to Humans has now mutated to spread back to pigs. If it mutates again to then spread back to humans like some sort of super flu – we’re pretty screwed.

If its any small consolation to you, we can still eat the fuckers but to summarise – the end is nigh.

Local Communities Outraged Over PSNI Training In Libya

Victims of IRA violence have expressed their horror and outrage that, as exclusively broken by this website , the PSNI had sent senior officials on secondment to Libya.
The main source of the outrage is because the Libyans supplied & trained the IRA in Northern Ireland & if you recall they murdered a lot of people for being the wrong...er...for...why are we doing this again?

William Frazer, who lost family members to the IRA told the Belfast Telegraph “You couldn’t write the scrips for this, and if you did it would be Monty Python”.

Yes, i remember that episode of Monty Python where John Cleese ran around murdering innocent civilians under training from Michael Palin dressed as a Libyan, Then years later Eric Idle went to Libya to train up their security services – Oh the hilarity of it all.

Yet more ‘disturbances’ in Armagh

It started a few weeks ago with men ‘asking’ people to take pro-nationalist literature at gun point near the border between Northern Ireland & the Republic of Ireland.
It has escalated quickly into burned out vehicles and masked gunmen.

Yes – its Friday Night In Northern Ireland – How we have missed you Sir.

Up to 30 ‘youths’ were seen in Lurgan, Northern Ireland, causing general trouble & setting fire to vehicles. – Apparently some people are upset that the Judicial system had the cheek to sentence some dissident republicans who thought it would be fun to murder local police with mortar bombs.

Local PSNI representative have said “there are no reports of shots being fired but running around with guns isn’t cool – on a scale of 1 to 10 of seriousness, we’d call that about a 6”.

Local bookmakers William Hill have stopped taking bets that the violence will continue into Saturday evening as – lets face it, the people of lurgan have fuck all else to do.

Trouble at Short Strand

Trouble at Short Strand
There was an outbreak of violence at the Short Strand in Belfast last night.

Those with eyes far apart and those with eyes too close together clashed over a rally held by local republican party Sinn Fein to celebrate the closure of a local police station.

The Shinners apparently organised the event and did not think that there would be any problems at what is a huge flashpoint for sectarian violence in the city. Their representative said “The event and the trouble afterwards were not connected” despite the fact that the violence took place in the same place as ‘event’.

On the prod side of things the DUP weighed in calling it “reckless” for an event like this to be organised.

Police, trying to deal with the violence, used plastic bullets to help disperse the crowd – a move that Sinn Fein have called “unjustified”. Most of the public in Northern Ireland think the use of plastic bullets is unjustified, especially when real bullets are readily available.

PSNI representatives have said “The police were caught between two opposing groups determined to attack each other” – Both Sinn Fein and the DUP agreed with each other for the first time in several years in saying “Is this not their job?”

Have Your Say on the Story

“Ah, we’re fucking glad that station is closing and i’ll throw as many bricks at the huns as i fucking want” – Paddy O’Taig

“Those shinners are a disgrace – this was always going to end in violence – I sat outside all day to make sure of it – I’ll throw as many bottles at those fenians as i fucking want” – Billy Paisley

“The police don’t deserve this – our job is to stop traffic for going too fast or not having tax discs on display – not stopping sectarian violence” – Police Constable J Smith

“I honestly don’t give a shit, let them kill each other - it'll be better for it” – The rest of the country