URGENT BREAKING NEWS - URGENT BREAKING NEWS

Urgent News -
Citizens of all of Northern Ireland have been advised of a high alert as a citizen of Derry has escaped the cities walls.
PSNI have said "we police those walls constantly and this is the first time in 27 years that a local has got out".
The public are advised to be on high alert and not to approach anyone that looks remotely scumbaggish (although this may be a problem in many areas of Belfast)

News Update!

Bono recalls the ‘terrifying’ day he was shot at.

In a new book, released by money grabbing bastard Bono, he has recounted of the time when in Jamaica he was shot at with over 100 rounds of bullets after being mistaken for a drug smuggler.
Jamaican police, obviously taking a leaf out of the Hollywood book of weapons training, managed to miss Bono with every single round as he disembarked from his private aircraft when landing for a family holiday in Jamaica on a sunny Monday morning in 1996.
He said “imagine just how starving the kids in Africa would be if i’d have died that fateful day. Who would have taken up the reigns of preaching for worthwhile causes if i’d gone? Certainly not Bob “give us yer fuckin money” Geldof, thats for sure – he had one hit single and somehow he’s still famous – although now-adays its more for his whore of a daughter”
While delighted no harm came to his family, i’m fucking furious at the Jamaicans.






PSNI officers sent to Afghanistan to train the ANP (afghan national police)
Police Service of Northern Ireland officers have been sent to Afghanistan to help train the Afghan National Police. The officers sent have served for the PSNI for several years and so are well versed in the required training modules of discrimination and taking bribes.
The course has the following modules:
· Are his eyes too close together? Best to shoot first
· How to wind up peaceful suspects to the point the retaliate and you can shoot them
· How to ensure you get plenty of ‘danger pay’ even though its a risk of the job.
· How to drive ‘different’ people out of the service
· How to minimise the effect of the above so you don’t get rebranded with a stupid name.
So far the training has been a huge success with the ANP’s total kill total of ‘people who have stolen this country from us/invaded our country unfairly*' has risen dramatically.
*delete depending on your side of the tracks

Its quiet, too quiet

Sorry for the lack of updates, i've been busy and there's nothing happening in Northern Ireland that i feel like i should mock...
several deaths on the road, men with guns & rocket launchers running about etc etc.
Give me an hour or so, and i'll think of something

Tiger Kidnapping In Downpatrick

A Tiger was kidnapped today in Downpatrick and ordered to open a local post office...

wait...*looks up tiger kidnapping* oh, thats quite a misleading name for a crime in which abduction forms part of a robbery.. Not what i thought, never mind.

The tigers are cool and still in the zoo.

72% of Northern Irish Men May Be Paedophiles

Men across Northern Ireland have been contemplating whether or not to turn themselves into the local police after discovering the age of the current Miss Northern Ireland. Several local news broadcasts today reported that Miss Northern Ireland got 4 A grades in her AS-Level exams, making her the tender age of 17.
Questions have been raised as to whether allowing a 17 year old to compete in the Miss World pageant is immoral but more questions are being raised as to the psychological well being of our nations men who haven’t been this confused since Natalie Portman starred in Leon, at the age of 14

Error

Belfast Voted 4th Top City To See Before You Die

Belfast has been voted one of the top cities to see before you die.



In a recent study conducted by a large hotel chain, Belfast has been named one of the top cities in the UK to see before you die. Below is a list of just some of the attractions you can experience on a trip to Belfast

• The Worlds Most Bombed Hotel - The Europa
• Loyalist/Nationalist graffiti - On walls all over Belfast - see it now as its being slowly replaced with badly drawn murals of fields and George Best.
• Potentially The Worlds Most Deadly Shopping Center - Victoria Square, with is huge glass Dome is a beautiful shopping complex but once someone decides to plant another bomb it will cause a vast amount of glass to be fired off in several directions into unsuspecting shoppers. Although it may look gorgeous, with the light of the bomb blast refracting through the shards to make some glorious colours, it will probably kill you.
• Belfast at night - Experience the beauty of Belfast at night - From the lights of the Waterfront Theater bouncing majestically across the Lagan to the weird giant fish sculpture thing up the road, Belfast has lots to offer the nocturnal tourist. Being intimidated as you walk past a group of street urchins on the corner. Their friendly banter includes such phrases as "what are you looking at", "i'll do ye" and this writers favorite "i'll set my da on ye". Wander the streets behind City Hall to see a dazzling selection of local prostitutes who lurk there, just for your pleasure.
• Belfast Zoo - One of the UK's premier Zoo's - In 2001, vandals broke in and threw one of the penguins into the lion enclosure - The lions ate the penguin. Police were unsure if they removed the wrapper first. (this actually happened)
• Go to the Belfast Welcome Center in the city center - It is just a huge shop filled with merchandise like leprechauns and Guinness tat - even though these are more often associated with the south.
• The Belfast Wheel - A huge Ferris wheel in the grounds of City Hall, you too can get stuck dangling in the air for several hours because some mad pikey has climbed it.
• Come during July to see the famous '12th fo July Parade". Please don't come before the 12th, we'd especially advise you not to arrive on the evening of the 11th and please go home straight after the parades before it all kicks off. Please.

These are just some of the reasons why Belfast has been voted 4th City in the UK to see before you die.

The remaining cities in the top ten - Glasgow, Oxford, London, Cardiff, York and Cambridge must be absolute shit holes.

The top three above Belfast were:

• Edinburgh - Excellent historical city, lots of things to see and do but lots of drunks
• Bath - I know nothing about bath, i can only assume its delightful (but with more drunks than Edinburgh)
• Liverpool - Possibly the most exciting city in all of the United Kingdom due to the constant threat of having your possessions stolen.

News Round Up

Local news for Friday 14/08/09

60 Pigeons Killed In Fire (this ones real, check it out)

60 Pigeons have been cruelly murdered during a blaze in on the outskirts of Belfast.

A spokesperson for the PSNI said "This incident is being treated as arson - it is believed that the perpetrators thought that the 'pigeon fanciers club' was somewhere where untoward deviant acts were performed on the birds". Local PETA members have been called in for questioning.

On a lighter note, the clean up bill for the council has been significantly reduced as by the time fire-fighters arrived on scene, the local Chinese restaurant had removed all charred pigeon corpses for "disposal".

U2 to Break Wembley Attendance Record

Stupidly named Irish rock band, U2 are set to break yet another record.

The current record for "most morons in the same place" is held by Madonna and her fans at a concert in Wembley in 2008 where nearly 75,000 idiots paid to see her 'perform'.

U2 are expected to pull in around 100,000 idiotic simpletons.

Assuming £50/ticket U2 can expect to make around £5million from the concert - not a penny of which will be sent to the starving children of Africa that lead singer, and general bastardly hypocrite, Bono is constantly harping on about.

In summary - U2 haven't written a good song for over ten years and anyone who helps to line their stupid gold lined pockets is a moron.

Weather update - Just to be smug, since the met office has millions of pounds and cool equipment and i am a man behind a computer in his living room - They said today would be overcast, i said it would piss from the heavens.

I was right.

Hoo-rah

Wheelie Bin Stolen in Daring Raid

A wheelie bin was stolen in the early hours this morning from the alley behind a house in Belfast this morning.
Despite the string of wheelie bin thefts in the area, police are reluctant to take action. When questioned a PSNI spokesman said “This is one of the few occasions where we can honestly say we have better things to spend our time on”.
Outraged, residents contacted their local MLA who has said “This is the sort of reaction we expect from the police. Instead of wasting time policing these so called ‘parades’ and cracking down on driving offences, the PSNI should be more concerned with community crime. I Will do everything in my power to ensure that tax payers money is spent on a local task force and an historical enquiry team to investigate wheelie bin theft”.
It can cost up to £80 to obtain a replacement wheelie bin and concerned residents have asked the council to foot the bill. Belfast City Council has advised that they have no money left after recent city events such as the Tall Ships and the Simply Red concert that will be held later this August.
The local neighbourhood watch scheme will continue to make enquiries but the representative has said “this particular case is pretty cut and dry, there’s a wee shite that lives in the street behind with a bum fluff tash and four scabby kids and we’re pretty sure he stole it to set fire to it and huff the fumes”.
The wee shite was unavailable for comment.

News Roundup

Quick hit news update for you

International Football first – on Wednesday 12/08/09, Northern Ireland managed a draw with one of the worlds greatest sides, Israel.

In local football, the Northern Ireland Cross Community Cup was played on Sunday with Vatican Linfield losing to Orange Cliftonville 7-8 on penalties.

Swine flu vaccination program announced for Northern Ireland, pigs concerned they aren’t mentioned.

Weather – Tomorrow will be sunny with a 200% chance of it pissing down from the heavens.

Tall Ships - Prepare to be boarded!

The Tall Ships have arrived in Belfast once again, with thousands flocking to see what are essential just big boats with pretty sails attached.

Belfast has a rich naval tradition - its most famous export being the Titanic which, deemed 'unsinkable', successfully crossed the Atlantic in 1912 with no incident what so ever. The titanic sailed for a further 85 years until 1997, when an ill fated celebrity cruise sank, killing (amongst others) young star Leonardo Di Caprio.

The arrival of the big boats will generate an estimated £37 of profit for Belfast City Council (taking into account the cost of policing, ambulance cover etc) and Lord Mayoress of Belfast, Naomi Long, was visibly excited, climbing the mast of the first ship to dock and shouting about pirates.

The pirate theme began early for the tall ships, with one Dutch crew being playfully 'pirated' by men with golf clubs early on Tuesday evening.

Traffic in the City of Belfast has come to a stand still - local transport company Translink reporting that the daily shuttle bus to the center of Belfast is constantly full. The good people of the City of Derry are having problems getting down to see the big boats, Translink are blaming traffic congestion but sources inside City Hall in Belfast have leaked that they really just don't want them down this way.

For more exciting Northern Ireland Maritime news, please see our previous stories including:

Titanic - How to spend millions celebrating an EPIC FAILURE

Titanic - Since we can't find it, lets spend £2,000,000 refurbishing the little boat that ferried passengers to it

Titanic - It was fine when it left Belfast

Titanic - Northern Ireland's second most popular export (after Feargal Sharkey)

Welcome

Welcome to Northern Ireland's Local News blog - Its a small country, all news is local.
Over the coming weeks/months/years you will find all the exciting news to come out of Northern Ireland that you just can't afford to miss (honest).