BREAKING - LOCKDOWN AT MAGHABERRY PRISON

Maghaberry Prison in Northern Ireland is in Lockdown after traces of Semtex were found in the prison gym.
Over 150 PSNI Officers and Army personnel have been drated in to search the prison.
Prisoners have been locked in their cells since Wednesday night and officials fear for the worst when they finally release them from their cells on Monday morning - Prisoners have threatened riots and will strike from their usual daily routines of rock breaking and making number plates.

The support team pulled in to help with locating any threats will begin the inmates 'deep cavity' searches at dinner time on Saturday and hope that at the very least, the intrusion and potential 'trauma' will slow the prisoners down on Monday morning when the cell doors open.

UK Police Draw Up 93 Page Bike Riding Manual

UK Police authories have drawn up a 93 page manual on riding a bicycle for officers.
Not even motorcycles - PUSH BIKES
fuck me
i dont think i even need to write nething
fucking idiots

National - Six teenagers avoid serious injury after drinking ethanol

Six teenagers in England somehow avoided serious injury after drinking ethanol stolen from school in an effort to get drunk.

They have said they copied the storyline from BBC drama 'Waterloo Road'.  The Daily Mail brigade are up in arms about how TV is influencing our youth even though the program showed school children nearly dying as a result.

Did these teenagers think they would be ok? Did they stop watching the program as soon as the on screen kids got drunk in minutes?
What the fuck is wrong with people??

Big Freeze Hits the North Coast

Weather Update -
Temperatures as low as -2 Celsius have hit the City of Derry this week.
All roads out of the city have been closed by the freezing conditions.

The met office have said "expect conditions to worsen over the coming weeks, heaving rain, strong winds and more ice are forcast.  On the plus side it gives the PSNI a break from policing the roads to stop them getting out"

Calum Best - 'My dad punched me'

Calum Best, who is apparently a relative of famous Northern Irish drunk and little known footballer George Best, has spoken candidly of his experiences with his father.

"My dad punched me in a drunken rage, "your not mine" he said".  Why this is seen as a shock is not clear,  most people would punch the spoilt and vain little bastard without having to consume alcolhol.

Calum has made a film about his life with father George called 'Brought up by the booze' and hopes that "children of alcoholic parents can find comfort" in his work. 

Actual children of alcoholic parents couldn't give a shit about Calum Best & his film as being punched in the face by your drunken father is usually one of the least upsetting events that can be caused by an alcoholic parent.

So is this film a cynical ploy to get his face in the papers again or is it a genuine heartfelt tribute to his father?
Only the public can decide.


Editors note - I think its the former, but regardless of his reasons behind it - it doesn't make him any less of a first class cun....

Children in the Republic of Ireland Happier than British Counterparts

A new report published this week has revealed that children in the Republic of Ireland are happier and fitter than their British counterparts.
Based on factors such as school life, exercise and happiness at home, the paddies have a better quality of life it would seem.

The report announced "They spend less time on computers" - This fact seems superfluous as it is well known that the Republic of Ireland seems like 1891 compared to the rest of the world and only having one 'Computer' in the whole country (a replica of the famous 'difference engine' created by Charles Babbage). If you were to talk about 'facebook' and 'xbox' they'd have no idea what you were talking about.  The closest thing they have to social networking in the ROI is a huge network of carrier pigeons. 
The high levels of fitness can be attributed to a diet consisting more or less of potatoes and working from as young as the age of 5 in the potato business.
Irish representatives have so far not answered our emails for comment.

Family Distraught After Brutal Murder

A Downpatrick Family were left shaken and stirred after the brutal murder of their chickens.

The police were called early on Monday morning with CSI's in attendance. They discovered two small chickens, two hens a rooster and a duck, slaughtered for no reason other than pure bloodlust. Police Constable Hugh O'Flock said "This is the worst murder scene i have seen in my 10 years as an officer. We have classified the suspect as a serial killer and appeal to the public for any information they may have".

All police & ambulance personell who attended the scene are being offered counselling due to fears over psychological damage from such a horrific and brutal crime scene.

A drake was also discovered at the scene and shocked emergency crews when discovered it was still alive. It was taken to the local hospital but its injuries were too serious. & surgeons were unable to save it. Its organs have been donated for transplant.

Weather Update

Weather –
Its been shite, rain and wind – tree’s blown over making the news for ‘nearly’ falling on people but not actually doing any real damage

New Suicide Hotline for Derry

The City of (London)Derry has opened a new suicide hot line due to the sheer volume of calls to the Samaritans.

The service offers advice on the following.

• Cutting – How to contain the blood
• Drugs – What can i get over the counter to finish the job?
• Locations – Where are the best places to jump from in Derry?
• What Rope? Magazine
  

The line has proved extremely popular – with the police still fighting to keep the residents contained within the city, suicide appears to be the only way out.

Government officials are considering changing the service from a charity to a government funded organisation. First Minister Peter Robinson has said “The number of people on benefits in Londonderry is ridiculous – this new service will help remove that burden from hard working tax payers”

Shock News - Jan Moir Apologizes (sort of)

Although not covered here, i have no doubt you’ll be aware of the article Jan Moir wrote about the late Stephen Gately on the Daily Mail website last week. It only took a week and she apologised for the ‘timing of the article’ not the outrageously homophobic content. Its nice to see that all it took for her to comment on it was 25,000 complaints to the Press Complaints Commission.

As part of her ‘apology’ she asked the question “Is there a compulsion today to see bigotry and social intolerance where none exists by people who are determined to be outraged?”.
Let me repeat the last part of that “determined to be outraged”...coming from someone who writes for the Daily Mail...ha..ha...HA HA HA

Illegal Fireworks Haul Recovered

On Friday police discovered 1.5 tonnes of fireworks in Newry. They confiscated the haul & ruined Halloween for everyone.

The fireworks have been confiscated and will be disposed of appropriately. Illegal fireworks have been a massive trade in October for years in Northern Ireland and stupid children blowing themselves up has routinely removed the ‘idiot’ gene from the gene pool.

The loss of so many illegal fireworks will ensure that for at least another year, the nations stupidest children remain safe unless they successfully stab themselves in the eye with sparklers.

Local Man Kidnapped

A local man, believed to be the editor of a poorly written sort of fake news website, was kidnapped on 1st of october. He has finally been returned unharmed & has apologised to his readers for the lack of updates to Norn Irons Local News

Sorry, will get back to weekly updates again

World News Special

A Tsunami that hit in Samoa has killed over 100 people. As with any horrible tragedy it is only being given headline status in the UK because a brit was killed. Otherwise, the press would bury it on page 18 or, if your a red top, put a small story on page two and on page three, ask some large breasted blonde air head her opinion.









Zoe Says – This is terrible and stuff, out of the all the dead bodies, there is a poor British Person. This is worse than the time i lost my hair brush. These things make me sad.

MLA Expenses Claims Come To Light

The Northern Irish MLA Expenses claims have recently been published in a small local newspaper in Northern Ireland. They can claim up to 72k a year to help run their constituency.
Some of the more interesting claims include:
Peter Robinson claimed for a 42inch tv (apparently for his ‘office’. I think he has mistaken the word office for ‘living room’)
The Shinners have been claiming up to £10 for a toaster.
Ulster Unionists have claimed for Sky Plus (only the basic package you understand, anything more would be wrong) and nearly 1k for a walnut desk (because sometimes, ikea just doesn’t cut it)
The Independents in Tyrone have claimed £100 for a Map of Fermanagh. I have sent them detailed information about these new fangled ‘satellite navigation devices’ that cost around the same and through the use of witchcraft they show maps of the whole country.

Robot Hamsters Top Christmas Wishlist

This years must have Christmas toys have been announced – a talking hamster & an electronic kitten.
These ‘artificially intelligent hamsters’ run around their special cages doing hamstery things with none of the worry of cleaning/feeding/teaching kids responsibility. A Local Scientist, apparently a graduate from Queens, has said “The main problem is, and bare with me here, that artificial intelligence can lead to significant problems. I refer you now, to Article A – The complete Terminator Franchise script book. Artificial intelligence is a bad thing, and the last thing i want is to become a slave to robot hamster overlords” .
While we all have our doubts over the hamsters, it makes a chance from last years top xmas toys.
Xmas 2008 Xmas Toys – Provided by Argos
1 – Matt Black Butterfly Knife & sharpening set
2 – 10 empty milk bottles, 10 rags and a gallon of petrol
3 – Balaclava – Box of – Quantity 10

Bono Invited to meet pope

Its a pope-stravaganza this week with two news stories featuring the Poperiffic Pontiff. He has invited Irish ass-hat Bono to the Vatican in and effort to try and re-connect “religion and the arts”.
As we all know, Bonio had a ‘special relationship’ with his predecessor Pope John Paul II, even allowing him the dubious honour of letting him put his stupid fucking glasses on (i would put a picture of this, but i can not deal with more than one picture of bono a week or i need to purge).

Vatican sources have advised that Pope Benedict MMCVIXQRVII may be ‘grooming’ Bono to become his understudy and perhaps even the next pope, which is the penultimate step in bono’s life before, in the final step of his lifecycle, he finally disappears completely up his own arse creating a black hole and destroying the universe with the sheer weight of his own self importance.

Northern Ireland Assembly to Waste More Money

The Northern Ireland Assembly has agreed to waste yet more public money on useless crap despite pending cuts on health care and policing. The Minister for the Environment has agreed to look into the issue of ‘overbearing hedges’. Thats right, using our tax money to try and make a proposal on how to deal with exceptionally tall hedges. A lot of money could perhaps be saved with three simple words “cut them down” or of course the old tactic of burying your neighbours under the offending hedges.

Either way, we don’t need a committee for this shit.

Pope to Visit Northern Ireland

New Pope Benedict XIXXIXXIXXIXLCMCCMV may visit Northern Ireland in the near future, Vatican sources have leaked. For some reason, it is thought that the popes first visit to the UK should be to Northern Ireland, the country where half the population don’t want him and its probably the most dangerous of the four UK countries to visit.

UPDATE: This has since been denied, a spokesman for the Vatican has said “I’m afraid to say that this story is an absolute fabrication. The implication that his holiness would visit that shithole is utterly ridiculous”

BREAKING NEWS

NORTHERN IRELAND PIGS TEST POSITIVE FOR SWINE FLU

Er...Pigs in Northern Ireland have tested positive for Swine Flu...

Um..This is a shock because....oh, they have contracted the Human H1N1 variant.
Shit. So, basically the Swine flu that mutated and spread to Humans has now mutated to spread back to pigs. If it mutates again to then spread back to humans like some sort of super flu – we’re pretty screwed.

If its any small consolation to you, we can still eat the fuckers but to summarise – the end is nigh.

Local Communities Outraged Over PSNI Training In Libya

Victims of IRA violence have expressed their horror and outrage that, as exclusively broken by this website , the PSNI had sent senior officials on secondment to Libya.
The main source of the outrage is because the Libyans supplied & trained the IRA in Northern Ireland & if you recall they murdered a lot of people for being the wrong...er...for...why are we doing this again?

William Frazer, who lost family members to the IRA told the Belfast Telegraph “You couldn’t write the scrips for this, and if you did it would be Monty Python”.

Yes, i remember that episode of Monty Python where John Cleese ran around murdering innocent civilians under training from Michael Palin dressed as a Libyan, Then years later Eric Idle went to Libya to train up their security services – Oh the hilarity of it all.