Luis Suarez - No Clever Title Needed

So. Luis Suarez. This seems too easy for jokes. It's incredibly easy to make fun of someone who is paid £200,000 per week and they then get upset and bite someone.  During the World Cup. In front of millions of people watching at home.

Long story short - bitey man bites someone at the World Cup and Fifa  have banned him for four months from any sort of football related activity.  Of course, the world is outraged....by the actions of Fifa. Here are some of the things people are saying (none of these are made up):

Lila Piriz Da Rosa (his grandmother): "Everyone knows what they've done to Luis.  They wanted him out of the world cup...They had their eyes on him to see what he does, it's barbaric what they've done to him"

I apologise, that may seem like a somewhat biased view. She is his grandmother after all.

What about Jose Mujica, president of Uruguay? 

"We feel like this is an assault on the poor because this gang will never forgive him because he never went to university"

and of course

"It's a match and these things happen..."

Yes Jose, these things have happened before.  In both 2010 (Ajax Vs PSV) and 2013 (Liverpool Vs Chelsea) so your statement is correct.  However, in both these incidents, the person doing the biting was none other than Luis Suarez.  

It is also worth noting that FIFPRO, the world players union, have advised that this ban may conflict with his "right to work".  He's been banned from football stadiums, not McDonalds so i'm sure he'll find a job if he inexplicably runs out of money. 

However, even if his ban does not get overturned, i suspect at 200k a week, his days will look something like this...

UNITED STATES GIVES IN TO GLORIOUS NORTH KOREA

The United States Of America once again showed its western inferiority today when it agreed to execute Hollywood stars James Franco and Seth Rogen for their attempt at releasing an American propaganda film called "The Interview" where they mercilessly mock our Supreme Leader.

All copies of the film are to be burned.

In other exciting news, North Korea have made it to the last 16 of the world cup after comprehensive victories against Brazil, Spain and France, coming top of their group with 12 points (an additional 3 points were awarded due to the quality of their performances).

Kim Jong Ba

The Queen and Prince Philip Tour Northern Ireland

The Queen and Prince Philip began their tour of Northern Ireland yesterday. They started their day with by visiting the one place they're loved more than any other - West Belfast. Photos are soon to emerge soon of them posing hilariously in the stocks at Crumlin Road Gaol.  Joking aside, it is a fairly monumental achievement that British Royalty managed to spend the morning in West Belfast without a single security alert and it is a testament to the progress of the PSNI.

The effective closure of The Mater Hospital (with the exception of hospital staff and emergency vehicles) was surely worthwhile. I know i'd be absolutely fine if i got turned away by security services because i forgot my photo ID when going to visit my critically ill family members.

They then visited Paint Hall Studios where Game Of Thrones is filmed.  While not fans of the show themselves, Prince Charles has been known to enjoy the series with his favourite and most watched episode being Season 4, Episode 2 which he has viewed a total of 192 times on his Sky Plus box.

The rest of the day was spent with various brown nosing members of Stormont.

Wednesday was all fun and games and, showing the terrifying and embarrassing gulf between US and UK television, they went to visit the antiques road show.  The episode will not air for some time but lets hope they get told whatever item they brought is actually a fake and worth 100 times less than they thought.

What exciting things do they have in store for us tomorrow on their final day in Norn Iron? Find out...in a few days, when we get round to updating this again.

DOE NI Make Their Yearly 'Road Safety' Advert.

So. Did you watch the video?
In what seems to be the DOE's yearly competition to outdo last years advert, they've come out this time around and just flat out killed a bunch of kids.  (flat out..see what i did there).

If you didn't watch the video (and you wouldn't want to. I feel like i should have maybe said that somewhere before the video) here's the summary.
A class room of kids goes out on a field trip to Lady Dixon Park
A man is driving a car too fast.
The man flips the car on the corner (somehow).
The children get smushed.

All of this backed by an acoustic version of Sweet Child O' Mine by known road safety advocates, Guns N' Roses.

In an exclusive, The Norn Iron News have obtained the minutes from the meeting that decided on the content of the advert. Names have been redacted for obvious reasons.

Minutes from the Department Of The Environment (Northern Ireland) road safety campaign meeting. April 2014

*irrelevant notes removed - ed*

Advertising person 1: So, what do we do this time? We've killed lots of people in our adverts, handicapped quite a few and had a lot of barely passable graphic content.  You, Advertising Person 2 - What was our most powerful advert to date??

Advertising person 2: Probably that one where there was that kid playing football in his garden, then a man lost control of his car and it rolled over the hedge and killed him.

Advertising person 1: Yes, that was my favourite to date.  But what can we do to top that? What will shock people more than killing a child?

Advertising person 2: Er..killing like...15 of them?

Advertising person 1: Goddamit Advertising person 1...you're a goddamn genius. You have whatever budget you need, make it happen.

Advertising person 2: Should we maybe change the scenario a bit? Make the driver someone different, like a woman or an elderly person. Or perhaps find a way so it's not a car inexplicably rolling several hundred feet?

Advertising person 1: Dammit man, it's always a man in his 20's - you know this.  They're the only ones who drive dangerously.  As for the car rolling.  Did you know that it's possible for your car to suddenly roll for no reason, even when you're stationary? It's been checked, it can happen.  Now stop with the stupid ideas and focus on the good one.  Get out there and kill those children.

End Of Minutes

As you can see, the meeting was straight forward and a total success.  If there were Baftas for advertisements, this one would be sure to win the 'Best Graphic Advert in the PSA Category'.  I've no doubt that the kid of people who drive like maniacs will get a sudden burst of realisation when they see the consequences of their dangerous driving in a one minute advertisement on television (post watershed of course).

World Cupdate

 And so, out of all the home nations, Britain's expectations weigh upon the shoulders of the English players.  A Squad good enough to at least make it to the last 16, they have so far triumphan...lost their first two games, and are out of the cup.  Despite the 'ABE' brigade (Anyone But England) it's nice to see at least one of our crappy countries do well, and since Norn Iron, Scotland and Wales are kind of crap at football, England are all that's left.  Help us Roy Hodgson, you're our only hope.

Sadly, England had the 'Group Of Death' in World Cup Group D with giants Italy, um..Uruguay and, er, Costa Rica.  Italy and the mighty Costa Rica* have progressed through to the next round leaving the English players to fly home and face the inevitable butchering in the press.

Of course, the mighty France have breezed through their group and will inevitably be lifting the cup come July.

Chrisarea Sportsteam.

*This is why we don't write these before the games have been played. Oops. 

We'd Like To Welcome Our New Staff...

Because the editor is terrible at updating this blog, we have a couple of new staff on board to help report the news.

Flamboyant Frenchman Chrisarea Sportsteam is on Sport and in a coup for any Western news source, Kim Jong Ba is reporting for us from North Korea on all the news that they don't want you to hear.

Thanks to these guys for joining the team and hoping we can keep updates semi regular.

Sooooo...

Let's just ignore the massive absence shall we. Life got in the way.

Drumglass Park to be renamed "Michael Stone Recreational Area"

Drumglass Park on the Lisburn Road in Belfast is to be renamed the "Michael Stone Recreation Area".  The convicted murderers name was put forward by members of the local fun and activity group, the UVF.

While this may seem tasteless to many, the trend was started by the Newry & Mourne District Council when they renamed a local park "Raymond McCreesh Park" after the convicted IRA Man.  McCreesh died while hunger striking in 1981.

Local councils all over the country are now considering renaming parks in the same fashion.  Not because they want to play petty games, but because it is apparently now appropriate. Please see below for the full list of parks to be renamed throughout 2013.

Bobby Sands Memorial Park (Formerly St Columbs Park)

King Rat Recreation Area (Formerly Ormeau Park)

Michael McKevitt, Liam Campbell, Colm Murphy and Seamus Daly Park (Formerly Falls Park)

Special Branch Square (Formerly Custom House Square)

Many more parks are set to be renamed once they can decide on the least appropriate name for them.

So - lets just pretend there hasn't been yet another huge gap between postings again.  It's been an uneventful summer. Very little happened in the world of sport, things have been quiet in the middle east and there haven't been any political scandals in either Northern Ireland or the rest of the world.

So back to semi-regular updates (at least until i get bored/too sick/too busy again).

Tech News

Don't get the reference? Then you're not the nerd you thought you were (UK Nerds Only).

In what is probably the most important period in the history of the Internets since Al Gore invented it, things are kicking off big style with a whole lot of shit about privacy, PIPA, censorship, SOPA, MegaUpload, MegaVideo, MegaSaurus Rex, Megasus, streaming, downloading and the remaining parts of the 1% of things on the internet that aren't pornography.

The FBI took all the mega related websites offline due to illegal activities.  If Hollywood has taught me anything (and it has taught me so much) is that american law enforcement agencies are huge into their jurisdictions, so it's come as a massive surprise that the FBI can now operate in New Zealand to shut down these file sharing sites.  Despite the fact that Mega Upload was used for things other than 'copyright material', its been taken down and all data is likely to be deleted from the servers (unless of course it can be used to put these MONSTERS behind bars) so lots of actual non 'criminals' have lost their work.

Of course the good people of Anonymous/Anon-ops have been fighting back for the little guy by taking down various US Goverment Websites, the RIAA, Universal Music and MPAA.

More or less the argument boils down to - should we be able to what ever we want on the internet, or should it be regulated and censored?

 Or In Picture form  - 

Couldn't find the pictures i wanted. In the mean time, please enjoy this kitten as a placeholder for the photos that i will forget to make/find and add at a later date.  Though in fairness, if the internet is heavily regulated and censored, there could be a massive reduction in the number of pictures of cute kittens - the minute someone goes on a kitten murdering spree, all the photos will be taken off the internet by governments because the person who gets caught will be found with LOLCats on their internet favorites and the only logical conclusion people in power seem to come up with is THE INTERNET/VIDEO GAME/SONG* made me do it.


*delete as appropriate

Financial News

In short - Greece is about to fuck up the entire Eurozone, Ireland will go back to the Potato (a joke NEVER used before on this site), Italy will fall, petrol prices will rise and eventually it will be more valuable than gold, leading to a mad-max style situation except less anti-Semitism  Mel Gibson. If the Euro goes, the Pound Stirling will probably collapse, followed by the (US) Dollar until Asian and Australia are the only dominant financial powers.  Leading economist and futurist Russell Grant has predicted Asia will win and eventually the Chinese will rise to power, only to be toppled by Kim Jong Un finally making a decision (The decision being where to set down his glass of soju - on top of a big red coaster that looks suspiciously like a big red button that one should never touch unless absolutely sure that the destruction of the world is correct decision to make).

2012

So, 2012 is upon us and i really haven't be arsed to post any news, what with being busy and all, so here's a bit of stuff thats happened so far (i say so far - just stuff thats happened over the last few days because January 2012 was incredibly uneventful, news wise)

NornIronNews - Review Of The Year 2011 - In Pictures

2011 In Pictures - Because i'm too lazy to write words.

2011 was a bit of a mad one, a shit load of stuff happened:

The Arab Spring began with uprisings in Egypt.

Man running away like an Egyptian

There were terrible natural disasters leading onto horrible man-made disasters.

Residents of Fukushima Zoo

Bono made it through another year

Twat

Some people i don't care about got married, and there was something to do with an arse.

Royal Wedding

Team America took out the worlds most wanted man

Fuck Yeah!!

England burst into flames

What do we want?
Free shit!
When do we want it?
Now!

Lots of famous people died

Jingle Jangle

*insert rehab joke here*

*insert I-something joke here*

Importantly, this woman did not die - so breaking the Curse of The Golden Girls

This woman will outlive you

Lots of people sat down in lots of cities to achieve...something?

Jobless Bearded Hippy protesting

Daffy Duck Died

You're Despicable! 

Team America Struck Again and took out Kim Jong Il

Here to save the mother fucking day, yeah!

Portugal, Ireland (Italy) and Greece fucked the up the Euro for everybody

mmmmm P.I.G

But its OK, the Germans are going to fix it all again

The only way to deal with Europe is to Annex the whole lot.

Thats it - thats the news for 2011.  Nothing else happened, no matter what anyone else tells you

So 2012 is upon us

and i feel it may be time for a review of the news for 2011.  Stay tuned.

(i'd also like to note, i've been looking at the cool new statistics function on blogger and impressed at the number of readers in various parts of the world. local news ftw)

MTV EMA BELFAST AWARD WINNERS LEAKED!!

Image we used before, too lazy to find a new one

The Norn Iron News can exclusively reveal tonight's MTV EMA award winners, found in a bin outside Belfast's Odyssey Arena.

Best Song:
Nominee's:
Adele - Rolling In The Deep
Bruno Mars - Grenade
Jennifer Lopez Feat Pitbull - On The Floor
Katy Perry - Firework
Lady Gaga - Born This Way

Winner - Frederic Chopin - Nocturn No 2 in Eflat Major


Best Live Act:
Nominee's
Coldplay
Foo Fighters
Katy Perry
Lady Gaga
Red Hot Chilli Peppers

Winner - The Wurzels


Artist Most Likely To Come Out Of The Closet In The Next Twelve Months
Nominee's:
Justin Bieber

Winner -  Justin Bieber

Worst Musical Performance By An Actor That Has No Place Doing Music
Nominee's
Bruce Willis
Keanu Reeves
Russel Crow
Steven Segal
Juliette Lewis

Winner - Juliette Lewis for her terrible band - Juliette & The Licks**
**While not the worst, probably the most famous




The Britney Spears Award for Best Celebrity Meltdown Of The Last Twelve Months


WINNING - Charlie Sheen


The Kurt Cobain Lifetime Achievement Award For The Commercialization & Manufacture Of Music:
Simon Cowell
Has ruined music, the dick






We have also received a copy of the MC's closing speech:

It's been such a great night here in Belfast, Ireland.  Thank you so much for putting on this wonderful evening.  When we were preparing to come over, we were expecting things to be on fire, bomb threats and having to drive around in cars like the pope mobile.  We're surprised & delighted that only two of these things have happened.
Thank you Belfast, You have truly shown us what you Irish say when you mean "craic" and all of the musicians here tonight are grateful its so damn cheap.


We'll be back soon to report on the fall out!

Since We've Been Away

So, since we've been away, news has been happening.

Global Economic Meltdown

The World Economy has more or less completely collapsed.  But how does this effect Northern Ireland i hear the hundred or so people that subscribe to this blog & will be shocked to see the update ask.
Well, this editor has noticed the following changes:

• I have slightly less money
• The price of stuff has increased
• There are more people playing the accordion on Ann Street in the city center
• More Titanic shit has been opened to lure in visitors  & their pennies
• They're closing all the hospitals in the country and letting us just fend for ourselves
• Once a month, Belfast Zoo is donating one of their meatier animals to a poor family
• Footballers wages are being capped at a paltry 200k/week 

It was nice to see that even the street urchins were affected and managed (other than a few rough nights) to keep relatively quiet over the summer due to the increasing cost of balaclavas.  

Our advice? Just pretend everything is ok and it will go away eventually.

Belfast Gets the MTV European Music Awards

They said it would never happen, they said it should never happen, but a major world wide event is happening in fair Belfast town.

No one is entirely sure who sucked off who, but Belfast will be hosting the MTV EMA's this November. 

If it goes off without being an absolute disaster, it'll be the best thing to happen to Belfast since that time no one was blown up or shot at.

Conservatives Win UK General Election

That is all

Other less important stories

A few quick hits

• The Lagan Valley & Belfast City Hospital A&E departments have been closed in an effort to cut costs.  The general plan is people will either give up or bleed to death due to the huge wait times that will happen in the other A&E departments.
• Some twat from Cookstown was on the apprentice.  A nation cringes as we hear our own god awful accent on tv.
• The Republic Of Ireland's economy collapses, they revert back to ye olde currency of the potato (thanks to advances in modern technology, smaller denominations other than the basic 'big/small potato, are available - the Chip, the French Fry and the Crisp).
• Some shit about the Titanic.
• HBO TV Series Game Of Thrones is filmed in the back water of Saintfield, still no one knows where it is.
• There was probably some fighting between Protestants & Catholics over something or other.
• There were probably some bombs
• Another 3 people escaped from the "City" of Derry, 2 of them were returned but one is still on the lamb, believed to be armed but probably not very dangerous. To be honest, he's probably accidentally shot himself by now.

That's everything that's happened in the last 12 months. Nothing else of note, and don't believe any other news sources that tell you otherwise.

Good God, it's back!

In a move that nobody asked for, the Norn Iron Editor has come out of retirement for the third time.
Mainly due to having too much time on our collective hands, the site will be updated once more
with our talk of the news in Northern Ireland.

No doubt we'll get bored and disappear again in a few months.

UK ELECTION SPECIAL UK ELECTION SPECIAL UK ELECTION SPECIAL

The mainland is in the grips of Election Fever! Gordon Brown, David Cameron and the other guy are making wild promises they can’t keep in order to get themselves into power.


Let’s take a look at the main parties policies on Northern Ireland and see what effect it will have on our little Island



Labour Party
Finances – Give them a little bit of cash to keep them quiet for a while
Policing and Justice – Already sorted, let them get on with it
Environmental – Let them get on with it
Military – They’ll sort it out between themselves

Conservatives –
All Aspects –
Make deals with key Northern Irish Politicians to hope we get into power & let them do what they want.

Lib Dems –
Finances – Give Ireland back to the irish
Policing & Justice – Don’t make them have to take it away
Environmental – Give Ireland back to the Irish
Military – Make Ireland Irish Today

Monster Raving Loony Party
Finances – More Investment in Infrastructure & Projects
Policing & Justice – Ensure the powers of policing & Justice stay controlled by Stormont.
Environmental – Ensure Green Belts are protected & Invest in renewable energy sources
Military – Military occupation not considered unless absolutely necessary. Government to try & handle current crisis.

Paedophiles, Catholics and High Street Stores

Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone has put the Vatican in the shit again for the umpteenth time in recent weeks after claiming that Homosexuality is behind the molestation of thousands of children at the hands of priests.


The Cardinal said “I have been told there is a relationship between homosexuality and paedophilia. This is true, that is the problem”. He went on to add “Clearly celibacy is nothing to do with it, the biggest problem this world faces today is the threat of the gays. Coming into our countries, stealing our jobs and raping our men folk. They’re worse than the Jews. Clearly we need to take action and outlaw homosexuality for the safety of the children”.

The Vatican has been in crisis ever since yet more revelations of priests molesting children and even the fact that the current Pope, Benedict XVIXMCMSVIIIIXIIIVX, had the chance to stop it when he was just a cardinal, but chose not to.

Keep watching the site for more updates on this as they unfold. I am bitterly disappointed that i wasn’t about to write about this one when it first kicked off.

Also this week, Primark has decided to stop selling padded bikini’s for children. People being (understandably) out raged about 8 year old girls hitting the beaches this summer like the opening titles of Baywatch. Primark have removed the product from stores and have donated all the profits from any current lines sold to a childrens charity.

Norn Iron Editor Found Alive In Austrian Basement

Yes – we’re back, and still alive.


Has been a busy few months, and now its kicked off in Northern Ireland, no doubt you’ll need to be kept up to date with all your local news.

Keep an eye on the site for new stories over coming weeks