NornIronNews - Review Of The Year 2011 - In Pictures

2011 In Pictures - Because i'm too lazy to write words.

2011 was a bit of a mad one, a shit load of stuff happened:

The Arab Spring began with uprisings in Egypt.

Man running away like an Egyptian

There were terrible natural disasters leading onto horrible man-made disasters.

Residents of Fukushima Zoo

Bono made it through another year

Twat

Some people i don't care about got married, and there was something to do with an arse.

Royal Wedding

Team America took out the worlds most wanted man

Fuck Yeah!!

England burst into flames

What do we want?
Free shit!
When do we want it?
Now!

Lots of famous people died

Jingle Jangle

*insert rehab joke here*

*insert I-something joke here*

Importantly, this woman did not die - so breaking the Curse of The Golden Girls

This woman will outlive you

Lots of people sat down in lots of cities to achieve...something?

Jobless Bearded Hippy protesting

Daffy Duck Died

You're Despicable! 

Team America Struck Again and took out Kim Jong Il

Here to save the mother fucking day, yeah!

Portugal, Ireland (Italy) and Greece fucked the up the Euro for everybody

mmmmm P.I.G

But its OK, the Germans are going to fix it all again

The only way to deal with Europe is to Annex the whole lot.

Thats it - thats the news for 2011.  Nothing else happened, no matter what anyone else tells you

So 2012 is upon us

and i feel it may be time for a review of the news for 2011.  Stay tuned.

(i'd also like to note, i've been looking at the cool new statistics function on blogger and impressed at the number of readers in various parts of the world. local news ftw)

MTV EMA BELFAST AWARD WINNERS LEAKED!!

Image we used before, too lazy to find a new one

The Norn Iron News can exclusively reveal tonight's MTV EMA award winners, found in a bin outside Belfast's Odyssey Arena.

Best Song:
Nominee's:
Adele - Rolling In The Deep
Bruno Mars - Grenade
Jennifer Lopez Feat Pitbull - On The Floor
Katy Perry - Firework
Lady Gaga - Born This Way

Winner - Frederic Chopin - Nocturn No 2 in Eflat Major


Best Live Act:
Nominee's
Coldplay
Foo Fighters
Katy Perry
Lady Gaga
Red Hot Chilli Peppers

Winner - The Wurzels


Artist Most Likely To Come Out Of The Closet In The Next Twelve Months
Nominee's:
Justin Bieber

Winner -  Justin Bieber

Worst Musical Performance By An Actor That Has No Place Doing Music
Nominee's
Bruce Willis
Keanu Reeves
Russel Crow
Steven Segal
Juliette Lewis

Winner - Juliette Lewis for her terrible band - Juliette & The Licks**
**While not the worst, probably the most famous




The Britney Spears Award for Best Celebrity Meltdown Of The Last Twelve Months


WINNING - Charlie Sheen


The Kurt Cobain Lifetime Achievement Award For The Commercialization & Manufacture Of Music:
Simon Cowell
Has ruined music, the dick






We have also received a copy of the MC's closing speech:

It's been such a great night here in Belfast, Ireland.  Thank you so much for putting on this wonderful evening.  When we were preparing to come over, we were expecting things to be on fire, bomb threats and having to drive around in cars like the pope mobile.  We're surprised & delighted that only two of these things have happened.
Thank you Belfast, You have truly shown us what you Irish say when you mean "craic" and all of the musicians here tonight are grateful its so damn cheap.


We'll be back soon to report on the fall out!

Since We've Been Away

So, since we've been away, news has been happening.

Global Economic Meltdown

The World Economy has more or less completely collapsed.  But how does this effect Northern Ireland i hear the hundred or so people that subscribe to this blog & will be shocked to see the update ask.
Well, this editor has noticed the following changes:

• I have slightly less money
• The price of stuff has increased
• There are more people playing the accordion on Ann Street in the city center
• More Titanic shit has been opened to lure in visitors  & their pennies
• They're closing all the hospitals in the country and letting us just fend for ourselves
• Once a month, Belfast Zoo is donating one of their meatier animals to a poor family
• Footballers wages are being capped at a paltry 200k/week 

It was nice to see that even the street urchins were affected and managed (other than a few rough nights) to keep relatively quiet over the summer due to the increasing cost of balaclavas.  

Our advice? Just pretend everything is ok and it will go away eventually.

Belfast Gets the MTV European Music Awards

They said it would never happen, they said it should never happen, but a major world wide event is happening in fair Belfast town.

No one is entirely sure who sucked off who, but Belfast will be hosting the MTV EMA's this November. 

If it goes off without being an absolute disaster, it'll be the best thing to happen to Belfast since that time no one was blown up or shot at.

Conservatives Win UK General Election

That is all

Other less important stories

A few quick hits

• The Lagan Valley & Belfast City Hospital A&E departments have been closed in an effort to cut costs.  The general plan is people will either give up or bleed to death due to the huge wait times that will happen in the other A&E departments.
• Some twat from Cookstown was on the apprentice.  A nation cringes as we hear our own god awful accent on tv.
• The Republic Of Ireland's economy collapses, they revert back to ye olde currency of the potato (thanks to advances in modern technology, smaller denominations other than the basic 'big/small potato, are available - the Chip, the French Fry and the Crisp).
• Some shit about the Titanic.
• HBO TV Series Game Of Thrones is filmed in the back water of Saintfield, still no one knows where it is.
• There was probably some fighting between Protestants & Catholics over something or other.
• There were probably some bombs
• Another 3 people escaped from the "City" of Derry, 2 of them were returned but one is still on the lamb, believed to be armed but probably not very dangerous. To be honest, he's probably accidentally shot himself by now.

That's everything that's happened in the last 12 months. Nothing else of note, and don't believe any other news sources that tell you otherwise.

Good God, it's back!

In a move that nobody asked for, the Norn Iron Editor has come out of retirement for the third time.
Mainly due to having too much time on our collective hands, the site will be updated once more
with our talk of the news in Northern Ireland.

No doubt we'll get bored and disappear again in a few months.

UK ELECTION SPECIAL UK ELECTION SPECIAL UK ELECTION SPECIAL

The mainland is in the grips of Election Fever! Gordon Brown, David Cameron and the other guy are making wild promises they can’t keep in order to get themselves into power.


Let’s take a look at the main parties policies on Northern Ireland and see what effect it will have on our little Island



Labour Party
Finances – Give them a little bit of cash to keep them quiet for a while
Policing and Justice – Already sorted, let them get on with it
Environmental – Let them get on with it
Military – They’ll sort it out between themselves

Conservatives –
All Aspects –
Make deals with key Northern Irish Politicians to hope we get into power & let them do what they want.

Lib Dems –
Finances – Give Ireland back to the irish
Policing & Justice – Don’t make them have to take it away
Environmental – Give Ireland back to the Irish
Military – Make Ireland Irish Today

Monster Raving Loony Party
Finances – More Investment in Infrastructure & Projects
Policing & Justice – Ensure the powers of policing & Justice stay controlled by Stormont.
Environmental – Ensure Green Belts are protected & Invest in renewable energy sources
Military – Military occupation not considered unless absolutely necessary. Government to try & handle current crisis.

Paedophiles, Catholics and High Street Stores

Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone has put the Vatican in the shit again for the umpteenth time in recent weeks after claiming that Homosexuality is behind the molestation of thousands of children at the hands of priests.


The Cardinal said “I have been told there is a relationship between homosexuality and paedophilia. This is true, that is the problem”. He went on to add “Clearly celibacy is nothing to do with it, the biggest problem this world faces today is the threat of the gays. Coming into our countries, stealing our jobs and raping our men folk. They’re worse than the Jews. Clearly we need to take action and outlaw homosexuality for the safety of the children”.

The Vatican has been in crisis ever since yet more revelations of priests molesting children and even the fact that the current Pope, Benedict XVIXMCMSVIIIIXIIIVX, had the chance to stop it when he was just a cardinal, but chose not to.

Keep watching the site for more updates on this as they unfold. I am bitterly disappointed that i wasn’t about to write about this one when it first kicked off.

Also this week, Primark has decided to stop selling padded bikini’s for children. People being (understandably) out raged about 8 year old girls hitting the beaches this summer like the opening titles of Baywatch. Primark have removed the product from stores and have donated all the profits from any current lines sold to a childrens charity.

Norn Iron Editor Found Alive In Austrian Basement

Yes – we’re back, and still alive.


Has been a busy few months, and now its kicked off in Northern Ireland, no doubt you’ll need to be kept up to date with all your local news.

Keep an eye on the site for new stories over coming weeks

BREAKING - LOCKDOWN AT MAGHABERRY PRISON

Maghaberry Prison in Northern Ireland is in Lockdown after traces of Semtex were found in the prison gym.
Over 150 PSNI Officers and Army personnel have been drated in to search the prison.
Prisoners have been locked in their cells since Wednesday night and officials fear for the worst when they finally release them from their cells on Monday morning - Prisoners have threatened riots and will strike from their usual daily routines of rock breaking and making number plates.

The support team pulled in to help with locating any threats will begin the inmates 'deep cavity' searches at dinner time on Saturday and hope that at the very least, the intrusion and potential 'trauma' will slow the prisoners down on Monday morning when the cell doors open.

UK Police Draw Up 93 Page Bike Riding Manual

UK Police authories have drawn up a 93 page manual on riding a bicycle for officers.
Not even motorcycles - PUSH BIKES
fuck me
i dont think i even need to write nething
fucking idiots

National - Six teenagers avoid serious injury after drinking ethanol

Six teenagers in England somehow avoided serious injury after drinking ethanol stolen from school in an effort to get drunk.

They have said they copied the storyline from BBC drama 'Waterloo Road'.  The Daily Mail brigade are up in arms about how TV is influencing our youth even though the program showed school children nearly dying as a result.

Did these teenagers think they would be ok? Did they stop watching the program as soon as the on screen kids got drunk in minutes?
What the fuck is wrong with people??

Big Freeze Hits the North Coast

Weather Update -
Temperatures as low as -2 Celsius have hit the City of Derry this week.
All roads out of the city have been closed by the freezing conditions.

The met office have said "expect conditions to worsen over the coming weeks, heaving rain, strong winds and more ice are forcast.  On the plus side it gives the PSNI a break from policing the roads to stop them getting out"

Calum Best - 'My dad punched me'

Calum Best, who is apparently a relative of famous Northern Irish drunk and little known footballer George Best, has spoken candidly of his experiences with his father.

"My dad punched me in a drunken rage, "your not mine" he said".  Why this is seen as a shock is not clear,  most people would punch the spoilt and vain little bastard without having to consume alcolhol.

Calum has made a film about his life with father George called 'Brought up by the booze' and hopes that "children of alcoholic parents can find comfort" in his work. 

Actual children of alcoholic parents couldn't give a shit about Calum Best & his film as being punched in the face by your drunken father is usually one of the least upsetting events that can be caused by an alcoholic parent.

So is this film a cynical ploy to get his face in the papers again or is it a genuine heartfelt tribute to his father?
Only the public can decide.


Editors note - I think its the former, but regardless of his reasons behind it - it doesn't make him any less of a first class cun....

Children in the Republic of Ireland Happier than British Counterparts

A new report published this week has revealed that children in the Republic of Ireland are happier and fitter than their British counterparts.
Based on factors such as school life, exercise and happiness at home, the paddies have a better quality of life it would seem.

The report announced "They spend less time on computers" - This fact seems superfluous as it is well known that the Republic of Ireland seems like 1891 compared to the rest of the world and only having one 'Computer' in the whole country (a replica of the famous 'difference engine' created by Charles Babbage). If you were to talk about 'facebook' and 'xbox' they'd have no idea what you were talking about.  The closest thing they have to social networking in the ROI is a huge network of carrier pigeons. 
The high levels of fitness can be attributed to a diet consisting more or less of potatoes and working from as young as the age of 5 in the potato business.
Irish representatives have so far not answered our emails for comment.

Family Distraught After Brutal Murder

A Downpatrick Family were left shaken and stirred after the brutal murder of their chickens.

The police were called early on Monday morning with CSI's in attendance. They discovered two small chickens, two hens a rooster and a duck, slaughtered for no reason other than pure bloodlust. Police Constable Hugh O'Flock said "This is the worst murder scene i have seen in my 10 years as an officer. We have classified the suspect as a serial killer and appeal to the public for any information they may have".

All police & ambulance personell who attended the scene are being offered counselling due to fears over psychological damage from such a horrific and brutal crime scene.

A drake was also discovered at the scene and shocked emergency crews when discovered it was still alive. It was taken to the local hospital but its injuries were too serious. & surgeons were unable to save it. Its organs have been donated for transplant.

Weather Update

Weather –
Its been shite, rain and wind – tree’s blown over making the news for ‘nearly’ falling on people but not actually doing any real damage

New Suicide Hotline for Derry

The City of (London)Derry has opened a new suicide hot line due to the sheer volume of calls to the Samaritans.

The service offers advice on the following.

• Cutting – How to contain the blood
• Drugs – What can i get over the counter to finish the job?
• Locations – Where are the best places to jump from in Derry?
• What Rope? Magazine
  

The line has proved extremely popular – with the police still fighting to keep the residents contained within the city, suicide appears to be the only way out.

Government officials are considering changing the service from a charity to a government funded organisation. First Minister Peter Robinson has said “The number of people on benefits in Londonderry is ridiculous – this new service will help remove that burden from hard working tax payers”

Shock News - Jan Moir Apologizes (sort of)

Although not covered here, i have no doubt you’ll be aware of the article Jan Moir wrote about the late Stephen Gately on the Daily Mail website last week. It only took a week and she apologised for the ‘timing of the article’ not the outrageously homophobic content. Its nice to see that all it took for her to comment on it was 25,000 complaints to the Press Complaints Commission.

As part of her ‘apology’ she asked the question “Is there a compulsion today to see bigotry and social intolerance where none exists by people who are determined to be outraged?”.
Let me repeat the last part of that “determined to be outraged”...coming from someone who writes for the Daily Mail...ha..ha...HA HA HA

Illegal Fireworks Haul Recovered

On Friday police discovered 1.5 tonnes of fireworks in Newry. They confiscated the haul & ruined Halloween for everyone.

The fireworks have been confiscated and will be disposed of appropriately. Illegal fireworks have been a massive trade in October for years in Northern Ireland and stupid children blowing themselves up has routinely removed the ‘idiot’ gene from the gene pool.

The loss of so many illegal fireworks will ensure that for at least another year, the nations stupidest children remain safe unless they successfully stab themselves in the eye with sparklers.

Local Man Kidnapped

A local man, believed to be the editor of a poorly written sort of fake news website, was kidnapped on 1st of october. He has finally been returned unharmed & has apologised to his readers for the lack of updates to Norn Irons Local News

Sorry, will get back to weekly updates again