Michael Collins 1890 -2021

 

Normally we have obits written months, even years in advance. But unfortunately no one saw the untimely death of Irish Revolutionary and pioneering Astronaut Michael Collins as even a possibility. 

Born in October 1890 in county Cork, like most irish people in 1890, he left for London as soon as he was able and joined the civil service while studying.  He joined the IRB (friends of the Ra) then moved back to Ireland. 

He took part in the Easter Rising and got scooped by the Brits.  Due to be taken in for some painful interrogation, he accidentally moved to one side and ended up in a different queue and was taken to Wales where he immediately started planning 'what next'.

A load of stuff happened. He became a shinner - MP for Cork South and became part of the first Irish goverment.  Norn Iron popped into existence, there was a civil war in Ireland and then in 1922, he went incredibly quiet.

He popped up in the 50s in America as a fighter pilot.  In the late 50s, he became a test pilot into the 60s and in 1963 he joined Nasa. 

Collins was assigned to the Gemini program and in 1966, launched on board Gemini 10. He became the first astronaut to perform 2 space walks on the same mission.  

Moved over to the Apollo program, he was first made capsule communicator for Apollo 8 - the astronaut at mission control and progressed to become primary crew for Apollo 11. He orbited the moon for an entire day, the lonliest man in the solar system.

Post Nasa, amongst other things, Collins became the director of the National Air and Space museum before retiring to live out his remaining days quietly.

He never returned to Ireland and passed away on 28/04/2021 aged 130

Arlene Foster Resigns

 Arlene Foster has today stood down from being leader of the DUP and as First Minister of Northern Ireland.

A case of jumping before she was pushed out by a no confidence vote, Arlene was keen to avoid the usual method of removing members of the DUP – Attaching them to a Lambeg drum on the Twelfth.

There are several front runners for the position.

Edwin Poots:

Pros for the DUP:

Really really hates the gays. Like its pathological 

Creationist – Believes the earth is 8 years old

Thinks a woman’s place is in the kitchen, not as leader of NI’s most popular unionist party

Wants to move not just Northern Ireland as far back in time as is possible.

Is a white man

Loves the Queen literally more than anyone has ever loved another person.

Cons for the DUP:

His appointment may lose votes from younger moderate unionists who may switch to Alliance.

Odds: 3/1

Gavin Robinson

Pros for the DUP:

Not a fan of the gays. Has voted against a few key pieces of equal rights legislation

Is a white man

Wants to move NI backwards

Loves the queen so much he went to West Minister to be closer to her.

Cons for the DUP:

Might be slightly too progressive. Doesn’t hate the gays enough.

Not clear just how far backwards he wants to take NI.

His appointment may lose votes from older angrier rightier christianer unionists who may switch to TUV

Odds 9/1

The dug up corpse of the Reverend Doctor Ian Paisley

Pros for the DUP:

Its Ian Paisley. The good one, not his shit stain of a son

Its Big Ian, founder of the party

We need someone to shout No, Never ad nauseum right now

Cons for the DUP:

Will need controlled like a marionette. Might be seen as disrespectful

Seemed to lighten up when he was first minister. Might be too progressive for some.

Odds: 1/5 Favourite

Jeffrey Donaldson

Pros for the DUP:

While in the UUP, walked out of the peace talks around the good Friday agreement. Like they all wish they’d done at the time.

Openly offensive about Catholics

Defected to the DUP

Doesn’t like the gays

Loves a wee expenses fiddle.

Got knighted and has officially touched the queen.

Cons for the DUP:

Not DUP enough. If he was, he’d have been in the DUP back in the day and not the filthy UUP.

A little mysterious – Looks like he might have a soft spot for themmuns.

Odds 3/1

Ian Paisley Jr

Pros for the DUP:

His name is Ian Paisley

Really good at swindling the public purse out of money

Wants to make his papa proud and thinks the way to do that is to bring back the troubles.

Cons for the DUP:

He’s a smarmy twat and none of them really like him but keep him around cause his name is paisley and if you squint and he’s having a bit of a munch on a pie or something, he looks like his da.

Odds 50/1

Robot Hitler

Pros for the DUP:

Hates Europe

Proven track record for brain washing people

Literally banned gays

Passed some anti-abortion laws that still survive today in Modern day Germany.

‘Sweet’ moustache

Cons for the DUP:

Was not a fan of Christianity and concerns this might alienate the religious right vote that keep the DUP in power.

Vegetarian

Some slight baggage associated with his past

Odds 2/1

Sinn Fein: Why They Are To Blame for the actions of Loyalists by Arlene Foster

We have got an exclusive unedited excerpt from tomorrows column in the Bel Tel from Arlene Foster.  Be sure to pick up the paper or, if you're a modern idiot who enjoys terrible journalism for a monthly fee, subscribe on their website to read the articles and still get advertised to!

My name is Arlene and i have a story to tell you.

In June of 2020 while we were in a pandemic, a man died.  Honestly, i don't know who he is or what his deal was, only that themmuns loved him.

We'd just told everyone to stay at home and behave themselves.  We put the toasters in the cupboards where they belong and stayed indoors.  Catch it, bin it, kill it. Hands, Face, Space. Sinn Fein, IRA, beardy Gerry.

All of themmuns went to his funeral.  Literally forty hundred thousand people, all out on the streets. Some of those people were shinners who, just days before, said not to gather in large groups.

The hypocrisy of them.  The utter gall! The DUP are many things but we are certainly not hypocrites.

The PSNIRA were in Belfast giving fines out to peaceful protestors, but did they do anything at all about this funeral? I mean, yes..sure, they gathered evidence and passed it all to the Public Prosecution Service who decided not to press any charges but this is clearly the PSNIRA at work, protecting their friends. 

We have carefully explained this in the young DUP weekly meetings to our members who still have no fucking clue what this is all about were absolutely aghast and decided to take this to the streets to peacefully protest.  Translink had the audacity to try and run their normal bus route nearby so they kindly asked the driver to leave.  It is fortunate that they did as the bus inexplicably went on fire.

The PSNIRA then turned up and looked at our brave loyalists with funny eyes and obviously they reacted poorly. Trying to set the police on fire when they look at you is our god given right as loyalists.

So you see, Belfast, Newtownabbey, Carrick and LONDONderry being on fire isn't anything to do with my party stoking tensions. This is clearly all a direct result of the actions of Sinn Fein. If pretending that this is all their fault is wrong, i don't want to be right.

Blaming anyone but the shinners reflects poorly on the poor loyalists and on the honest and hard working members of the DUP who have spent the last few weeks stirring the shit out of the pot to get people angry calling for calm.

 

This is not protest. This is vandalism and attempted murder. These actions do not represent unionism or loyalism. They are an embarrassment to Northern Ireland and only serve to take the focus off the real law breakers in Sinn Fein.
My thoughts are with the bus driver. https://t.co/2JRcOb6s8C

— Arlene Foster #WeWillMeetAgain (@DUPleader) April 7, 2021

Covid!

 

Oh shit, we forgot about covid. That happened in 2020/21.  I’m sure we’ll go into it at some point.

While we’ve been away – Part 1: The End Of The Fucking World.

 

So we last posted in 2018.  I was going to do a run down of 2018 – 2021 but I mean why bother.

2018 was all Trump and Brexit.

2019 was all Trump and Brexit and somehow actual living muppet Boris Johnson became PM. At the end of the year a few people coughed.

2020 was largely uneventful, still Brexit but Trump got defeated in the election so we can have another old white dude as leader of the free world (though admittedly he seems considerably less insane).

2021 Is full on crazy Brexit and Norn Iron is on fire so I feel like maybe we should start screaming into the void about NI again.

 

So that’s the review of the time we’ve missed.

Fuck it. We're coming back

 It's true. After yet another multi year break, Norn Iron News can finally use the funds we saved up heating our house with wood pellets to get our journalists back out on the streets of NI and around the world.