Luis Suarez - No Clever Title Needed

So. Luis Suarez. This seems too easy for jokes. It's incredibly easy to make fun of someone who is paid £200,000 per week and they then get upset and bite someone.  During the World Cup. In front of millions of people watching at home.

Long story short - bitey man bites someone at the World Cup and Fifa  have banned him for four months from any sort of football related activity.  Of course, the world is outraged....by the actions of Fifa. Here are some of the things people are saying (none of these are made up):

Lila Piriz Da Rosa (his grandmother): "Everyone knows what they've done to Luis.  They wanted him out of the world cup...They had their eyes on him to see what he does, it's barbaric what they've done to him"

I apologise, that may seem like a somewhat biased view. She is his grandmother after all.

What about Jose Mujica, president of Uruguay? 

"We feel like this is an assault on the poor because this gang will never forgive him because he never went to university"

and of course

"It's a match and these things happen..."

Yes Jose, these things have happened before.  In both 2010 (Ajax Vs PSV) and 2013 (Liverpool Vs Chelsea) so your statement is correct.  However, in both these incidents, the person doing the biting was none other than Luis Suarez.  

It is also worth noting that FIFPRO, the world players union, have advised that this ban may conflict with his "right to work".  He's been banned from football stadiums, not McDonalds so i'm sure he'll find a job if he inexplicably runs out of money. 

However, even if his ban does not get overturned, i suspect at 200k a week, his days will look something like this...

UNITED STATES GIVES IN TO GLORIOUS NORTH KOREA

The United States Of America once again showed its western inferiority today when it agreed to execute Hollywood stars James Franco and Seth Rogen for their attempt at releasing an American propaganda film called "The Interview" where they mercilessly mock our Supreme Leader.

All copies of the film are to be burned.

In other exciting news, North Korea have made it to the last 16 of the world cup after comprehensive victories against Brazil, Spain and France, coming top of their group with 12 points (an additional 3 points were awarded due to the quality of their performances).

Kim Jong Ba

The Queen and Prince Philip Tour Northern Ireland

The Queen and Prince Philip began their tour of Northern Ireland yesterday. They started their day with by visiting the one place they're loved more than any other - West Belfast. Photos are soon to emerge soon of them posing hilariously in the stocks at Crumlin Road Gaol.  Joking aside, it is a fairly monumental achievement that British Royalty managed to spend the morning in West Belfast without a single security alert and it is a testament to the progress of the PSNI.

The effective closure of The Mater Hospital (with the exception of hospital staff and emergency vehicles) was surely worthwhile. I know i'd be absolutely fine if i got turned away by security services because i forgot my photo ID when going to visit my critically ill family members.

They then visited Paint Hall Studios where Game Of Thrones is filmed.  While not fans of the show themselves, Prince Charles has been known to enjoy the series with his favourite and most watched episode being Season 4, Episode 2 which he has viewed a total of 192 times on his Sky Plus box.

The rest of the day was spent with various brown nosing members of Stormont.

Wednesday was all fun and games and, showing the terrifying and embarrassing gulf between US and UK television, they went to visit the antiques road show.  The episode will not air for some time but lets hope they get told whatever item they brought is actually a fake and worth 100 times less than they thought.

What exciting things do they have in store for us tomorrow on their final day in Norn Iron? Find out...in a few days, when we get round to updating this again.

DOE NI Make Their Yearly 'Road Safety' Advert.

So. Did you watch the video?
In what seems to be the DOE's yearly competition to outdo last years advert, they've come out this time around and just flat out killed a bunch of kids.  (flat out..see what i did there).

If you didn't watch the video (and you wouldn't want to. I feel like i should have maybe said that somewhere before the video) here's the summary.
A class room of kids goes out on a field trip to Lady Dixon Park
A man is driving a car too fast.
The man flips the car on the corner (somehow).
The children get smushed.

All of this backed by an acoustic version of Sweet Child O' Mine by known road safety advocates, Guns N' Roses.

In an exclusive, The Norn Iron News have obtained the minutes from the meeting that decided on the content of the advert. Names have been redacted for obvious reasons.

Minutes from the Department Of The Environment (Northern Ireland) road safety campaign meeting. April 2014

*irrelevant notes removed - ed*

Advertising person 1: So, what do we do this time? We've killed lots of people in our adverts, handicapped quite a few and had a lot of barely passable graphic content.  You, Advertising Person 2 - What was our most powerful advert to date??

Advertising person 2: Probably that one where there was that kid playing football in his garden, then a man lost control of his car and it rolled over the hedge and killed him.

Advertising person 1: Yes, that was my favourite to date.  But what can we do to top that? What will shock people more than killing a child?

Advertising person 2: Er..killing like...15 of them?

Advertising person 1: Goddamit Advertising person 1...you're a goddamn genius. You have whatever budget you need, make it happen.

Advertising person 2: Should we maybe change the scenario a bit? Make the driver someone different, like a woman or an elderly person. Or perhaps find a way so it's not a car inexplicably rolling several hundred feet?

Advertising person 1: Dammit man, it's always a man in his 20's - you know this.  They're the only ones who drive dangerously.  As for the car rolling.  Did you know that it's possible for your car to suddenly roll for no reason, even when you're stationary? It's been checked, it can happen.  Now stop with the stupid ideas and focus on the good one.  Get out there and kill those children.

End Of Minutes

As you can see, the meeting was straight forward and a total success.  If there were Baftas for advertisements, this one would be sure to win the 'Best Graphic Advert in the PSA Category'.  I've no doubt that the kid of people who drive like maniacs will get a sudden burst of realisation when they see the consequences of their dangerous driving in a one minute advertisement on television (post watershed of course).

World Cupdate

 And so, out of all the home nations, Britain's expectations weigh upon the shoulders of the English players.  A Squad good enough to at least make it to the last 16, they have so far triumphan...lost their first two games, and are out of the cup.  Despite the 'ABE' brigade (Anyone But England) it's nice to see at least one of our crappy countries do well, and since Norn Iron, Scotland and Wales are kind of crap at football, England are all that's left.  Help us Roy Hodgson, you're our only hope.

Sadly, England had the 'Group Of Death' in World Cup Group D with giants Italy, um..Uruguay and, er, Costa Rica.  Italy and the mighty Costa Rica* have progressed through to the next round leaving the English players to fly home and face the inevitable butchering in the press.

Of course, the mighty France have breezed through their group and will inevitably be lifting the cup come July.

Chrisarea Sportsteam.

*This is why we don't write these before the games have been played. Oops. 

We'd Like To Welcome Our New Staff...

Because the editor is terrible at updating this blog, we have a couple of new staff on board to help report the news.

Flamboyant Frenchman Chrisarea Sportsteam is on Sport and in a coup for any Western news source, Kim Jong Ba is reporting for us from North Korea on all the news that they don't want you to hear.

Thanks to these guys for joining the team and hoping we can keep updates semi regular.

Sooooo...

Let's just ignore the massive absence shall we. Life got in the way.