Family Distraught After Brutal Murder

A Downpatrick Family were left shaken and stirred after the brutal murder of their chickens.

The police were called early on Monday morning with CSI's in attendance. They discovered two small chickens, two hens a rooster and a duck, slaughtered for no reason other than pure bloodlust. Police Constable Hugh O'Flock said "This is the worst murder scene i have seen in my 10 years as an officer. We have classified the suspect as a serial killer and appeal to the public for any information they may have".

All police & ambulance personell who attended the scene are being offered counselling due to fears over psychological damage from such a horrific and brutal crime scene.

A drake was also discovered at the scene and shocked emergency crews when discovered it was still alive. It was taken to the local hospital but its injuries were too serious. & surgeons were unable to save it. Its organs have been donated for transplant.

Weather Update

Weather –
Its been shite, rain and wind – tree’s blown over making the news for ‘nearly’ falling on people but not actually doing any real damage

New Suicide Hotline for Derry

The City of (London)Derry has opened a new suicide hot line due to the sheer volume of calls to the Samaritans.

The service offers advice on the following.

• Cutting – How to contain the blood
• Drugs – What can i get over the counter to finish the job?
• Locations – Where are the best places to jump from in Derry?
• What Rope? Magazine
  

The line has proved extremely popular – with the police still fighting to keep the residents contained within the city, suicide appears to be the only way out.

Government officials are considering changing the service from a charity to a government funded organisation. First Minister Peter Robinson has said “The number of people on benefits in Londonderry is ridiculous – this new service will help remove that burden from hard working tax payers”

Shock News - Jan Moir Apologizes (sort of)

Although not covered here, i have no doubt you’ll be aware of the article Jan Moir wrote about the late Stephen Gately on the Daily Mail website last week. It only took a week and she apologised for the ‘timing of the article’ not the outrageously homophobic content. Its nice to see that all it took for her to comment on it was 25,000 complaints to the Press Complaints Commission.

As part of her ‘apology’ she asked the question “Is there a compulsion today to see bigotry and social intolerance where none exists by people who are determined to be outraged?”.
Let me repeat the last part of that “determined to be outraged”...coming from someone who writes for the Daily Mail...ha..ha...HA HA HA

Illegal Fireworks Haul Recovered

On Friday police discovered 1.5 tonnes of fireworks in Newry. They confiscated the haul & ruined Halloween for everyone.

The fireworks have been confiscated and will be disposed of appropriately. Illegal fireworks have been a massive trade in October for years in Northern Ireland and stupid children blowing themselves up has routinely removed the ‘idiot’ gene from the gene pool.

The loss of so many illegal fireworks will ensure that for at least another year, the nations stupidest children remain safe unless they successfully stab themselves in the eye with sparklers.

Local Man Kidnapped

A local man, believed to be the editor of a poorly written sort of fake news website, was kidnapped on 1st of october. He has finally been returned unharmed & has apologised to his readers for the lack of updates to Norn Irons Local News

Sorry, will get back to weekly updates again